... love is pretty fierce with a guarded girl...

Trust Issues were discussed more when Bran got home from work last night.

Because I realized a lot of things yesterday...

I never trusted Bran in the beginning of our relationship. I was always looking over my shoulder. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was always waiting for either the abuse or the abandonment, whichever came first.

There are reasons for this, of course.

My childhood wasn't the greatest, especially when it came to boys. My adolescence was worse. Middle School was a nightmare, both in school and at home when it came to asking for support. Same fucking thing happened in High School... innocent blood was shed.  

Then we get into New Adulthood and the beginning of relationships – yeah... don't even get me started. Sheer desperation and the varying degrees of hell I found myself in. Fuck, when it came to JerkDad, I didn't even know I was being abused until Bran woke me up to the fact and then got me the hell out of there.

It wasn't that Bran wasn't trust worthy, far from it.

I was just too damaged to trust anyone, and that included him.

Our relationship prevailed anyway... despite my side relationships that tore me up, he was always there to pick up the pieces. And then there was the extended ordeal that had us homeless for two years. He never left my side. Even when I was hospitalized in the psyche ward for six weeks after an alcohol induced suicide attempt. He never gave up on me.

Once we made it somewhere safe... it took me a little bit to drop back out of survival mode... and... lo and behold... I started to trust him.

And I grew complacent.

And I grew dependent.  

And I stopped appreciating him.

And I started taking him for granted.

And I was so busy searching for the person who could heal my damage from the last side relationship that I completely ignored the person that was right in front of me.

I trusted him.

And I treated him like shit because of it...

… fast forward to now, and what do you have?

I'm more concerned about him. I check on him often. I reassure him of my love. I ask him how his day was. I tell him I love him all the time and I tell him that he's my Happy Place.

I'm much more independent and self-reliant. Since I know I can take care of myself and survive on my own if I have to, our relationship is no longer about my 'needing' him because I have no other option. It's about me 'wanting' him in my life.  

I appreciate the fuck out of him. I am much more conscientious about whether or not I've thanked him. Sometimes I still forget to say something, but again, there's still the 'I Love You's' every day. More to the point, every meal shared, every hug, every kiss, every snuggle, every Mo... I cherish all of it. Every second with him is as precious to me as life itself.

I'm not searching for anyone else anymore... Bran is it for me now... he's my Happy Place.

You see...

… just because I don't TRUST him...

… it doesn't mean that I don't LOVE him...

… and it doesn't mean that I can't feel him loving me.

The lack of trust just means that my walls are up. I'm more guarded again. That's it.

So, I told him all of this last night.

He gets it.

He's cool with it.

There's poetry in loving a guarded girl, because love is pretty fierce with a guarded girl.

--

It's ironic that Cuddle Crush dropped in my lap right at the point when I fell head over heals for Bran again... that's just cosmic paradox right there. LOL – I'm NOT complaining. I fucking love that girl too!

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – Since those revelations yesterday and since talking to Bran about it, I DO fell less 'RAW'. Like the fallout from Wednesday's meltdown is finally starting to settle and I just need the cooling rains to wash it away.

I'm still not looking forward to his traveling, but I've given myself a heavy handed reminder that I DID survive without him just fine. Yeah, it sucked, but I fucking survived. Yeah, it will suck, but I'll fucking survive it again.

I'll do what's necessary.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 4 hours 54 minutes, 3x awake, 11x restless, 22 minutes awake/restless.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – There were So Many Snuggles this morning.

- The Unicorn – So, I forgot to mention that we've leveled up on the Ostara Bunny thing. We're done with the egg hunts, baskets, sweets, and lame toys. She's fucking 14. She didn't even use half the crap I gave her last year. I felt dumb.  

This year Francis graced her with a cute card with a Fox on it and a $25 iTunes gift card that she can use to buy stuff in Minecraft.  

Also... Sailor Moon finally got less lame. It only took 35 episodes and 15 hours of the Unicorns life that she's never going to get back, LOL.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  She tortured the hell out of me last night. She was going out dancing and she sent me video of the red dress she was wearing...  

… I'm still finding it hard to breathe...

It was sweet sweet torture and I totally deserved it after all the flirting and sexy pics I've sent her. She finally got me back.

Love that woman.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Kinda tired today... even with the caffeine incoming... I think it's going to be a nappy day again today.