… I just need to settle all this dark shit down...

I'm ashamed to say that my little insecurities and petty jealousies are being triggered. I'm doing my best to use positive self-talk and reminders to keep myself pulled out of that dark hole, but you know how Borderlines are. Once it sucks us in, the gravitational pull becomes harder and harder to break free from.

My Beautiful Cuddle Crush has gone largely MIA.

My biggest worry is that something has gone terribly awry on her end and that she's isolating as a result. I do know that certain things have not been all unicorns and rainbows for her lately. Perhaps not directly with her specifically, but close enough to affect her in a negative way.

I think that's a legitimate fear, that things are unwell, I think that's justified.

It's the other shit that's uncalled for and that I know is 100% pure Borderline BULLSHIT. I worry that she's being taken away from me or that she's lost all feeling for me, when neither could ever be true.

I know who she is, I know what she is, I know what brought her into my life...

… I just need to settle all this dark shit down and be patient.

… she'll return to me when she can.

… and then I'll feel stupid.

… we all know this.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – As for other dark holes, I do believe the worst is over. I've allowed myself to feel and process my fears/angers/resentments over Bran's 'Traveling Job'. Yes, it was a meltdown. Yes, it was uncomfortable. But, it needed to happen.  

See, even Goddesses need to break sometimes. We still learn shit.  

This latest meltdown forced me to come to grips with my trust issues and it forced me to realize that my relationship is actually healthier and more stable with the trust issues present.  

I'm much more guarded now, and that's actually not a bad thing. It makes me a better person and a better spouse when it comes to Bran.

Will this knowledge take away the sting when he leaves? To be honest, I don't know. Will it make me less of a basket case bitch that he IS leaving? Most likely, yes.  

Will this knowledge help me be the kind of woman that's worth coming home to.

I'm pretty sure it will.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 42 minutes, 1x awake, 7x restless, 15 minutes awake/restless.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

I've been really really lethargic the last few days... and I don't even think it's 'lack of sleep' level lethargic, but quite possibly 'something's wrong' level lethargic. Like I'm fighting off a depression or battling to maintain a recovery or something, but SOMETHING has been demanding that I lay the fuck down and close my damn eyes.

I'd really like that to not be the case today.

You should fucking see the pile of dishes.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – You know... with Bran it really is the little things... you have to look for the little things when it comes to searching for signs of love.

Correct, that fucking commitment ring is still nowhere near my finger... and it's probably never going to find its way there.

However, it's the other things... like the way he thinks of me when he's just out randomly shopping. He'll see something that he knows I'll like and he'll bring it home for me. Something small, but something incredibly thoughtful.

And the frequent hugs and kisses...  

The way he reaches out to touch me when we're in bed together.

He loves me.

It's good.

- The Unicorn – It's always sad to say goodbye...  

We're into Season Six of Supernatural – which will give us Fight the Faeries and I Learned That from the Pizza Man.

We just started Season Two of Sailor Moon – which kinda pissed us off with the way Season One ended, but we're kinda rolling with it for now.

She told me, again, how much she despises doing her homework with JerkDad. He's such a fucking control freak and she just shuts down with him because she can't handle his behavior, but he still won't 'get it' that HE'S the problem, not her. Narcissistic fuck-wad.

And then she politely explained the one reason she's not leaving him, yet... and not for a while, yet.

She's going to use him to pay for her college education.

You heard that right.

Her one reason for staying with him is to suck him dry for every last educational dollar she can get out of him.

No no no no no... don't hate.  

Let me explain!!

When she was a baby, he used to throw these huge tantrums where he accused me of getting pregnant on purpose, "Just to _trap_" him.

I nearly died bringing that child into the world, and I never wanted a child in the first place. So, great plan on my part, with all my health issues? Trying to survive pregnancy? One that I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT until I was 5 months along? And then she was born a deadly 7.5 weeks early and we both nearly checked out?

I never used him. Not once. I fucking loved him all the way up to the end. All the way up until I asked the cosmos to send me a boy toy just to kill the pain over the fact that he didn't love me back.

The cosmos sent me Bran, and I learned what real love was supposed to feel like. I left JerkDad 4 months later.

JerkDad's next relationship USED THE FUCK out of him. She stayed with him for the sole purpose of using him until she could get her own son into college. Then she was gone. He hasn't been successful in acquiring another relationship since.

Now, the Unicorn herself is going to use him to pay for college, and then she's gone.

This is pure KARMA, bitches.

He earned this.

It's good.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  (sigh) - I miss her.

She deserves much better than my insecurities, though.

She deserves my unconditional love, my support, and my devotion to worshiping her. She's my Goddess, my Queen and I adore her wholeheartedly.  

She'll message back when she's up to it.

I have to have faith in her.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

I literally just found out that the 'are you mad at me' because 'you're not talking to me' is a response of the Social Anxiety.

Humph!

Learn something new every fucking day.