Beloveds are Beloveds for a reason...

Bran was so sweet yesterday/last night.

Even though I was on point with my 'suck it the fuck up and deal', he could tell that I wasn't all the way okay. He actually caught onto it more than I did. Like when I only wrote 1500 words in an hour instead of my normal 2K, his first comment was, "Well, you did just get friend-zoned by the Blue Falcon last night."

Point taken.  

Even though the last time I was able to time myself I did only 1500 words too. So, I'm really hoping that's not my new normal, because that would suck!

Once when he came in to the room, he asked me how I was doing, and I said I was doing okay, but I guess my response was a bit lackluster because he was like, "No, you need a hug."

That's the closest anyone has ever come to my fantasy of being looked in the eyes and being told "No, you're not" when I say I'm okay.  

Right now I'm appreciating Bran a whole lot. It's wonderful that he's here for me. It's good to know that I can rely on him for emotional support.

After he finished with work, he prepared to head out to pick up my meds and he asked if I needed anything else. He strongly suggested such things as chocolate, cookies, and ice cream. I said no to those, but I did ask for a high-protein dinner I didn't have to think about much to make it go.

He came home with Bourbon Steak, Fancy Chocolate, and Cheesecake.  

Yeah...

… Beloveds are Beloveds for a reason.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – For the most part I do feel that I'm holding it together rather well. I was still able to get 1500 words in on Claimed yesterday. I made it up to Chapter 4 in a beta read for a friend. I'm still doing shit. The depression is at least a functional one.  

I'm not crying either.

I wish I hadn't seen that topless pic of the Blue Falcon, but I'm coping...  

It's just hard to be friend-zoned by someone you still feel passionate about.

I'll get through this.

At least this isn't like it was with Jasper. Fuck, remember how I cried for two weeks straight when I lost him? At least this isn't that.  

- Writing – 1500 words. Cuddle Crush still thinks that's pretty bad ass. I'm slowly closing the gap between the beginning/middle and where I skipped ahead. Then I still need to write the ending. Some more full read throughs for continuity. A run through Grammarly and Hemingway.  

It's hard to say how much longer it's going to take to finish this. I just hope she loves it.

- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 2 minutes, 3x awake, 17x restless, 43 minutes awake/restless

- Fur-babies – Dreamy came by last night. (smile) I don't know if he could tell if I was depressed too, but he did make it a point to cuddle. It helped.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – He also made it a point to be touching me when we were falling asleep last night. Normally I'm the one reaching out...  

He's a good man.  

I've been re-reading my entries from last year because they’re popping up in my Facebook Memories. And it's interesting to see how off balance I was with him a year ago. Our love was just so estranged. Most days I couldn't even tell if he even loved me anymore. Fuck, there were days I couldn't tell if I loved him!

I'm really glad that I didn't give up on him.

I think I'd be in a special kind of hell right now if I did.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

I did actually get the wording down on my next OKC profile last night.  

I'm not ready to put it back up, yet... but I'm edging towards it slowly.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  Yesterday I reported in to Cuddle Crush once I finished my hour of writing. Like I said, she still thought 1500 words were bad ass. I told her I was probably being too hard on myself.

She agreed and then said that she should spank me with her paddle every time I did that.

This was an opener for me to tell her a smidge of what's covered in Claimed. So, I did get a chance to mention that I don’t respond to negative reinforcement. She said that was something very new to her.

So, another FIRST!!

I also shared with her that my need for positive reinforcement is what got me rejected so much by other Doms during my time in the BDSM community. How I would try to help them understand the best ways to guide me past my trauma, and how they'd accuse me of topping from the bottom.

Her response?

"I'm good at learning. I like to learn."

Fucking hell, woman... could you make me wet and swoony any more? Could you be any more perfect for me as my Domme?

*sigh* Of course not... you're my Fated Mate, darling.

I want to finish this story for her.

I want to give her every key to unlock my mind.

I’m not sure how much experience she has in being a truly Loving Domme. I don't think it's common for a sub to be really into that, so even though she might love her subs, she's probably used to being harsh because that's in the job description.

In the story, she elevates Loving Domme to an artform.

This is my vision for her.

I wonder what she'll have to say about that.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Today is therapy... that means an impact on writing time, but if I get this posted fast enough I might have some time to pound down a few words before my ride comes.