I took the plunge and reactivated my dating profile last night. Yes, we all know how much I was dreading that, but there were extenuating circumstances.
I did finally come out of my trust issue funk with the revelation that my relationship with Bran is actually much more loving when I don't trust him.
Cuddle Crush has been practically ghosting me lately... yesterday I think I got an answer as to why. There was upward mobility on her end. A major, very 'squee worthy' change.
I'm jealous as fuck too.
No, not in the 'SHE'S MINE' area of jealousy, not that. What happened for her is perfect and it's exactly what I needed to happen for her. She has the necessary counterbalance to make a relationship with me work now. So, if things ever line up to where we can start seeing each other, she'll be safe. There's no risk of me hurting her.
It's just that Bran should have marked me on that level a long time ago... and I really needed him to. He never did, and he never will, and I'm doing my level best to suck it the fuck up and not resent him for that. He shows me he loves me in other ways. He just won't ever show me that he's committed to me. (sigh) Whatever.
But, it's like I told Cuddle Crush, there's more than one way to mark a girl. It doesn't have to be a ring when staking a claim on someone, and it's like the old saying "Either stand up and love her the way she deserves to be loved, or sit the fuck down and watch someone else do it for you."
She agreed with me.
(chuckle) I don't know if she's going to take the hint that I want her to collar me, but... I had to try, right?
I have this image in my mind of a band of hand tooled (water proofed) leather with the word 'Claimed' stamped into it. Something I could even wear in the pool or in the shower. Something I could proudly display to show that she's my Alpha...
… right, so this profile...
It just felt like it was time to suck it the fuck up and get it over with. Bran will be traveling eventually, and it's probably a good idea to begin trying to make some connections sooner rather than later. Plus with the way Cuddle Crush has been so MIA lately, it's clear that she's not always going to be there for me either... so, I really am going to need 'something'.
Truthfully, though? I'm not expecting much.
I was really bitchy, but the new profile pic is hot.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy – Today I can really feel the depression closing in on me. My heart hurts. I think that's why I've been so lethargic lately.
I’m diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, but most of the time it isn't really bringing me down. I can still be pretty productive. And then something caves and I fall into it like I am now. So, this the kind of thing where the depression is always there, it's just that I've gotten really good at ignoring it most of the time.
Right now, I'm sucking ass at ignoring it... (sigh)
- Writing – Nothing new to report.
- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.
- Sleep / Fitbit – I was up late re-answering my match questions – and I forgot to set my sleep mode, so the readings are inaccurate today.
- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – Don't get me wrong. Bran and I don't always see eye to eye on everything, it's true. The lack of a commitment ring on my finger is a giant fucking hole in my heart, but the areas where we sync by far outweigh the areas where we don't.
Take last night for example – he came home with an easy, high protein dinner for me. He just knew I'd need something like that. He just knew, and he took care of me. That's LOVE.
I told him I missed him... he made sure I got cuddles.
It's big picture stuff too, like the way we regard Family.
Bran and I are both estranged from our blood families. We also lost a lot of the people we considered friends when we were homeless 4 years ago. So, we're very selective when it comes to who we consider family now, especially after getting burned a few times on that one.
But, once you're family, we will protect you.
Bran knows how important Cuddle Crush is to me, so he's extended his protection to her. She's family.
I know how important Cuddle Crush's mate is to her, so I've extended my protection to her. She's family too.
Make no mistake, Bran and I take this shit seriously, and we make a seamless team. Where he ends, I begin.
He makes one phone call, and they'll never find a body.
I light one candle, and they'll never find a soul.
Sure, there's no ring on my finger...
… but I'm just going to have to suck it the fuck up and live with that in favor of everything else.
… trust me, he's more than fucking worth it!
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Sweeties -
Not really dating at this time.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - I miss her.
Fuck, I miss her.
She really liked the new pics. :)
- Pathfinder – He liked the new pic too.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
I wish I could purge my previous likes from OKC – I'd like to start fresh. Originally I didn't want to start a new profile because I didn't want to lose my username, but they're using first names now, so I totally could have.
Meh.
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