Challenge Accepted, indeed.

I could close that dating profile at any time and be perfectly satisfied with what I've gotten out of it.  

I've reached out to a few guys. I've liked quite a few more. There was one guy who clearly didn't read my profile and suggested a very quick, very casual encounter. I very politely told him to fuck off, but I wished him well.

And then there's Metal-AF.

I was flipping through the 'like' and 'not-like', hitting my buttons accordingly. I was doing this on my computer and not the phone app, so there was no swiping. Anyway... So, I come across this one profile and it just stands out.  

• Cuddles First – priority one status. 
• Poly – Attached - (no danger of him getting needy and trying to drive a wedge between Bran and I) 
• Honest, complex, open. 
• Also suffers from a chronic pain issue (so he GETS it) 
• Totally cool with keeping it PLATONIC, but CUDDLY (HOLY FUCK-MONKEYS!) 

And I'm all, I gotta meet this guy!

So, I like him, and his profile disappears.  

FUCK

He'd been brutally clear. He does not message first. My measly little 'like' won't be enough to draw him in. I just screwed this. I try to bring him back up... and end up zapping my one chance to salvage the link to his profile. GAH!

I start FRANTICALLY keyword searching things that I remember him mentioning. No luck.

DAMMIT

I drop down into 'browse' - I'm going to have to sift through hundreds of ugly faces just to find him... fuck it... he's worth it.

I find him on page one.

Mischief Managed!

We've been exchanging messages ever since. Even comfortable enough to take it to email, and the in person is creeping up a lot sooner than either of our very guarded selves might have expected.

--

Once again, I'm being shown a set of needs that I didn't know I had until I met the person that filled them. Once again, I'm being shown the fresh landscape of my mind now that I've leveled up. Once again, I'm being asked to be 'open' in areas where I feel like I've lost my trust.

This is a new set of challenges.

This is a whole new game for me.

Once again, I say: Challenge Accepted.

I'm letting Metal-AF in. I trust him. I'll let him get close and I'll open my heart and my emotions to him.

Same as Cuddle Crush, it will devastate me to lose him, but I don't fear the pain anymore.

I'm going to keep proving it to myself that I can love, and trust, past my trauma.

Challenge Accepted, indeed.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – So far I'm in a pretty good place today. Emotionally I feel very stable. I'm a little anxious about something that might happen tomorrow, but the invite was only just cast –  no response yet – I'll keep you posted.

- Spoons - I really need to get on top of housework today... wish me luck!!

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 16 minutes, 1x awake, 13x restless, 36 minutes awake/restless. I really wish I got more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night.

- Fur-babies – YAY for Dreamy time!! Snuggles were had. Then I shared my white cheddar and prosciutto with him.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Magic Hippo Dance – Yeah... so I was left to do most of it on my own yesterday, just proving that I got this. As I was counting my reps I was going over my battle plan for increasing them once I'm out on my own. Figuring out how high I should go before I stop pushing myself.  

Then, my trainer points out that once we added in the warm up and cool down, it was actually a solid 55 minute workout.

Der, what?

I did a full body workout?

I've actually been at this for an hour this whole time? Every session?

Fucking hell... I didn't even feel a thing! If I'd done even ¼ of that on land I would have been crying my eyes out and unable to move for two days!!

Harumph!

Now, It's all about finding/affording the pool and getting me there. Money and transportation is a huge fucking issue.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – He was very non-committal and even a little... 'gruff'? when I mentioned Metal-AF. Even on the point of Metal-AF having some questions in one of Bran's areas of expertise. (sigh) It's just so hard to know with Bran sometimes. He doesn't really talk to me, so I don't know what's going on in his mind when he's distant like that. It's frustrating.

We worked it out, though.

I realized that it had been a long time since I've had a friend, and then I told him that... that's when he agreed that it's probably a good idea for me to expand my social awareness/circle a bit in areas where people are NOT my sex partners.

It's been like 5-6 years since I've had a purely platonic friend that I hung out with on a frequent basis.

Even Bran admits that this has been a trust issue for me and that Metal-AF is a huge step forward.

--

Also, Bran bought me dinner last night.

He knew I'd need something I didn't have to think about.

It's true. Some nights I don't even have the spoons to make microwave food go.

I love how much he loves me.

I love him back.

- The Unicorn – Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  I realized yesterday that I'd been selfish in wanting to call her my girlfriend. It wasn't because of my emotional attachment to her, even though that attachment is profound. It was because I wanted to show her off. I wanted to flaunt her. And when I realized that, I felt ashamed.

Yet, when I confessed that too her, she was actually flattered. She loved it that I wanted to show her off... LOL. Well, okay then... guess who gets to be my arm candy someday?

Later I told her about the full body workout and she told me she's proud of me, and not to forget it.

OMG – SWOON!

We're chatting now... I just told her about Jasper, and how I see things between her and I being even more intense than what I'd experienced with him.

I'm very anxious to hear her response.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – We're going to be emailing a lot today. I've asked for his help with something tomorrow.

It's a surprise.

End Notes:  

Trust is a funny thing.

I know I have a lot of walls. I know just how guarded I am.

I find it very interesting that I've now met two people who can get past my barriers because they're obviously meant to be in my life and to be within my walls.

Who else is out there?

How many more needs do I have that I'm not even aware of, yet.

I've rebuilt my mind from nothing so many times that I think I've lost count, but I've only ever focused on what I've needed to be just to survive.

No one's ever taught me how to live.