Much to my dismay, I caused my beautiful Hannah-Cat to panic last night.
She hadn't read the entire blog entry, she only got to the part where I'd been talking about the Spawn and how my case worker had ditched us for another week and I had no frozen pizza for us.
My sweet, angelic Hannah-Cat was ready to order us a pizza to make up for this fiasco.
I was able to calm her down, though. The sheer kismet that the Spawn showed up last night WITH pizza...
I mean... for fuck's sake... how the hell do I rate karmic pizza?
That's just one of those little things where you feel the full weight of the macrocosmic forces draping their cloak across your shoulders and you can clearly hear the words 'you are protected'.
Now...
The tense side of this is how far Hannah-Cat was willing to go to fix it. At first, she thought it was a money issue (and yeah, funds do factor into this) and then I made it clear that it's a transportation issue.
Oh... uh... yeah.
She laid down the law pretty fucking quick on that one.
I don't know how she managed to do a long-distance kitten pout, but, fuck she can actually pull that one off.
She told me to ask for help.
I told her how hard it is for me to ask for help, but I didn't go into the severity of the details on that one. I didn't tell her just how bad JerkDad's narcissistic abuse was on the subject. I just said it was left over bad juju... so she doesn't know the whole story.
She doesn't know about the way he progressively stripped away my independence and then blamed and tortured me for not being more 'self-sufficient'. How he even crippled my ability to pass a job interview because I'd have a panic attack just trying to talk about my qualifications.
Fuck...
I will suffer the worst shit in silence just to avoid the feelings of guilt and shame if I really need to ask someone for help.
And then, of course, there she is...
And she tells me how 'sad' she would be if she were to find out that I was struggling and she could have helped.
Fucking hell...
The power this woman has to just melt my fucking heart with a few little words.
Yes, I'm crying my fucking eyes out right now, shut up.
--
Okay...
So, we've identified a trigger then, haven't we?
I can't ask for help without intense feelings of guilt and shame.
You can also throw paranoia into that mix. I'm terrified that anyone helping me is going to feel used.
It took the Blue Falcon months to reassure me enough that I would feel comfortable asking him for help, and even then, it was hard.
The root of the trigger is easy to find... it's in the adult domestic abuse I endured with JerkDad...
If I dig, there's probably some stuff from my adolescence and teen years in there too.
I think a lot of it comes down to points in my life when I wasn't working because other things were more important. In my teens, I had some bad juju to work through. With JerkDad, I was a stay-at-home mom of a special needs child. A lot of 'sense of failure' was beaten into me over that last one.
Right now, I can't work, my Borderline has reached the 'invisible illness' critical mass where workplace environments are deadly toxic to me and I don't have enough reliable spoons anyway. There are days when getting this blog up is the only spoon I have for the day... and then I just fucking collapse. I'm lucky if I made extra food the day before.
Okay, okay... so trigger...
Lack of independence...
(sigh)
I see you... slippery giant mother-fucker...
(grabs the flamethrower)
It's going to take me some time...
But, I'm going to fuck your world up.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - Yes, I will talk to Valkyrie about this. I'm sure she has some suggestions.
Bottom line. My inability to ask for help is a product of PTSD and it's closely related to my Borderline Personality Disorder in direct relation to my abusive past with a Narcissist.
I can't just stop being symptomatic because someone tells me not to be any more than I can will myself into not having a broken arm.
However, I can still confront the fuck out of this now that I'm so clearly aware that it's been an ongoing and debilitating problem.
And, let's be clear about one other thing, Hannah-Cat has been annihilating blockages and barriers left, right, and center. I know I can trust her to be right by my side as I face the fuck out of this one.
In the more immediate sense of this, it means that I have to TELL her, it's a trigger and a symptom of the mental illness. That way she can validate it and we can come up with a more direct battle plan to avoid the trigger entirely.
Yes, that's a thing!
If one is cognizant enough to know that they have a trigger, they actually don't have to face the fuck out of it alone. They can (huzzah!) educate someone about it and ask for help with the fucking trigger!
If it came to anyone else... srsly... any of my friends with a deep-seated trigger like this? I would validate them and come up with a workaround.
Why would I expect anything less than that kind of loving treatment out of her? She'd consider it an honor to help me unlock this thing.
Family:
- Spawn - Can you believe that we never made it to watching any of our shows last night?
She gets dropped off at 7 pm, she stayed up till midnight, we spent that entire time talking.
Well... not exactly. I still had the blog to finish, so that kept me going til about 8, but then I was all hers.
Then she had some Emo music that she wanted me to listen to. (epic smile)... I don't think she's going full Emo, yet, but she seems to really love the music of Anna Blue and Damien Dawn. She really identifies with the lyrics and they're helping her learn how to express herself more openly.
She's even starting to write her own Emo music in her head. So, this is some pretty huge growth. She's really developing into a solid teenager and I love it. I wouldn't have it any other way.
A lot of her own Emo is about self-identifying as a very fucking proud as hell FREAK, and she's reaching out to other people who aren't quite comfortable with the fact that they're different, yet. She really wants to touch the hearts of people who feel an intense sense of rejection for being who they are. She wants to tell them that it's okay to be themselves and to express themselves as anything they are or need to be.
She's fucking exactly like me. She wants to love everyone as pure, whole, perfect beings who are deserving of acceptance and love.
Seriously!!
MY SPAWN, PEOPLE!!
Could she possibly rock any more than this?!
And, as a point of pride, I said it would be totally cool if she got famous and people started commenting that she's totally open, accepting and loving... and how did she get that way?
"My mom raised me right." (double thumbs up)
The hysterically funny part about that? And she's exactly on the same fucking page as me. JerkDad has primary physical custody. She barely even sees me at all. So, we both agree that it would be a massive dick punch for him, and we both totally want to do it for exactly that reason.
She has been on the receiving end of his abuse for a while now... she can't stand him, and she's totally cool with any sneaky, underhanded way to bitch slap him back once in a while.
--
She's also super hyped to meet my friends over the course of this coming week.
We also had a chance to discuss abandonment issues and how I learned to resolve them.
I'm going to help her learn the technique.
Fucking Bad Ass!
Sweeties:
- Hannah-Cat - My sweet girl spent the night with Drogo last night...
This makes me epically squee happy. (bouncy)
They're both so worthy of love and attention and I'm glad they got some bonding time in.
I remember what compersion is supposed to feel like.
This compersion is a bit bittersweet, though... just because of how intense my desire is to snuggle the fuck out of the both of them. Except I'd need to set an egg timer so that they both had equal time in the middle. :)
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Pathfinder - He was included in a pic blast of the Spawn in her Stabby the Unicorn T-Shirt, holding up a knife. He says he misses her face and he loves her. :)
Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Team Sweetie -
- Iron - He got the blast too and appreciated it.
- People -
- Nolan - Blasted as well!! Also loved it. Nolan had happy news last night, so I'm eager for the update. He's also REALLY looking forward to meeting the Spawn on Monday. :)
- Drogo - Also agreed that the pic of the Spawn was adorable. :)
Reasons:
- Jaded - And, one last person in the blast who thought the Spawn looked sweet. <3
Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized that I’m dissociating again. So, there are five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]
- Reticent:Alice - I'm not sure if I've mentioned this or not... but Hannah-Cat helped me resolve my issues over Bran being gone.
That was one of the last points of contention that was still causing the dissociative events.
Alice just couldn't resolve the fact that he'd abandoned us, again, while still not giving us any relationship repair or closure at all.
However, we had that revelation about forgiving the Screeching Harpy... and now this...
If Bran had not left... and left as painfully as he did (both times!)... I would not have been inspired to explore the fuck out of Solo-Poly.
I wouldn't have Drogo as my Mentor.
I wouldn't have Hannah-Cat as my Sweetie.
These two have enriched my life so much in a very short time... I feel so blessed to know them and to be accepted by them.
Now, don't get me wrong, Bran and I are still a thing.
I'm just not upset that it's a long-distance thing anymore.
He's doing him, and it's such a good thing for him. He's earned my respect and my support.
I'm doing me, and it's become such an amazing thing for me. He wanted me to work out my own support system while he was gone, and I did.
So, that's it.
No more pain.
No more contention.
No more conflicting emotions.
It's all done... I'm happy with the way things are.
Tales from the Accidental Unicorn: [Disclaimer: This is still my blog, and my primary source of soundboarding my emotions and complex thoughts. So, no pressure! I still just need a place to get this out in the open so I can sort it out in my head.]
It's easy to understand why there's some tension or reservation about moving forward with this. Triad's so very rarely workout due to the lack of balance.
However, most triads don't work out because of the tendency for a couple to pair off, leaving one person to feel left out and neglected. Thus spurring feelings of jealousy and resentment.
I don't sense that being the case here.
Yes, a couple would definitely team up... but then the point of contention would be that couple arguing with the third person that it's supposed to be their turn in the middle. (giggle)
"It's your turn in the middle."
"No, you!"
"Get in the middle."
"I was in the middle for four hours last time, you deserve attention too!"
"Would you just stop arguing and get your ass in the air?!"
Now, with the exception of that last bit (ass), the person arguing against being the center of attention, again, could have easily been any of us.
And the thought makes me giggle a little bit because we're all so loving. And kinky as fuck. And really loving while being kinky as fuck.
--
And (alternately) still, more to the point, and to be brutally honest, I would actually expect them to the ones to pair off if it came to that. They are the Primaries and that's the way that I want it to be.
I do not, in any way, predict that I would feel less important to them because I put their relationship first.
I've only been enjoying the freedom of the Solo-Poly Gig for a little over a month now. I still have a very vast landscape to explore there.
So, I'm just not ready to settle down with anyone yet.
All I really know is that I have experienced an extreme sense of joy when I have spent time with them as individuals. My one date with Drogo and my two dates with Hannah-Cat. I've relished every second, every sensation, every surrender.
I can't help but feel that joy would be increased if I were with them as a pair.
But, it's all speculation right now... we're still feeling all of this out, and there's no pressure. I don't want to move too fast with any of this.
I just need this space to talk about my emotions so I can give them form.
That's it.
I'm not pushing for anything.
End Notes:
Triggers? This one’s for you:
