The Cuddle Call went out...

I'm sorry today's entry is coming so late... there were a few moments when I debated not posting at all, but no. I need this.

It's been a really long, really rough night/day, though... so I think I'm going to be curt with this entry.

Here's what it comes down to, for the most part.

I just don't fuck around anymore. One relationship doesn't go the direction I think it's going to go, I have no problem saying 'okay, what did I learn from you?', 'Oh, that. Thank you.' and then I kiss it goodbye and focus forward on my next range of possibilities.

It's not that I don't mourn the loss. It's just that I don't let it slow me down anymore. Yeah, these things still hurt like hell. Yeah, I still feel like I'm dying. Yeah, my bloody, mangled mess of a heart is barely functioning, but fucking hell, godz damnit, it's still fucking functioning.

Over the last few days, it's become clear that my love may have been misdirected (again). It's okay. I'm okay with that. I still learned from it. I still learned that I can love. That's the lesson. So, fuck you, whatever abandonment issue tried to pull me down over that one. I don't fucking care.

I let it go.

Yesterday, I worked on my Sanctuary Spell three times, and I reclaimed and refocused those energies on Self-Care (self-explanatory), reaffirming my sacred space as a Temple, and also focusing on sending out the Beacon, so I could pull in who I needed to pull in for me, but also pull in those who need the Goddess right now.

The Cuddle Call went out, along with a smokin' hot picture. I have people coming in from the cold already. Some are here for me. Some are here because they need me. Some, it's both.

It's good.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  I did see Valkyrie today. We did get a chance to discuss why I'm not sleeping. I've managed to pin this down to the lack of closure in my current situations.

Bran experiences such a profound sense of cognitive dissonance whenever I try to confront him about what happened two years ago, or about the abandonment now, that he can't/won't acknowledge my pain. Regarding two years ago, he will never say "That was shitty, I'm sorry you got hurt." - those words will simply never cross his lips. Regarding the commitment ring I never got, he will never give me that ring or give me a straight answer as to why it didn't happen. And regarding the abandonment... well, you see where we are there. I think I've chatted with him for a grand total of five minutes in the near month that he's been gone. When I sent him the hot hot hot picture I took of myself yesterday. His only response was to ask if I got new glasses.

Closure.

I have none.

And Jaded... she's still too wrapped up in her own pain to realize what she put me through...

... I'm moving on there, though. I'm drawing people to me that fill the needs she could have filled.

But, still... closure...

This is what keeps me awake at night.

I end up in conversations in my head where I'm confronting them, and all that ever happens is that I end up crying myself to sleep.

So, the only way I've had around this is to stay up until I'm nodding off and then drug myself stupid. So, at best I'm only getting 2-5 hours a night. I mean, what the fuck do you do when the thing you need the most (sleep) has become as toxic to you as your trauma (reliving the trauma when trying to sleep)

Valkyrie wants me to start working on some Ghost Stories.

Original recipe Ghost Stories.

The 'Fill A Need' Ghost Stories.

Soooo... somewhere I have to find the energy to write, without sleep, so I can get the self-made closure that I need that might get me to sleep.

(sigh)

Right... I'll get right on that.

- Spoons -  Good fucking luck... somehow I have to figure out how to walk almost a mile and a half this week. I realize that doesn't sound like much to you, but you try operating on one hour of sleep with an invisible illness.

- Writing -  This will happen. I will make this happen.

Cuddles

 - Ash -  Right... because here we are again... another 'I love you' followed promptly by another abandonment. Only this time I really don't think it was her fault.

I think I don't really know what was going on with the life-stressors on her end. Once I pulled back, the whole thing read as a bit 'catfishy', but not in the 'here's a supermodel and I'm going to pretend it's me' level of catfish. More the 'I'm lonely and I need to be accepted for who I am by someone'. level of catfish.

I'm not the least bit offended if our online discussions were only an escape for her. I'm happy that I was there for her and that for a few short days I provided that escape.

Whatever that was... or if she comes back... whatever she needs it to be. This is still the woman who taught me that my shredded, pulp of a heart could actually still feel love and for that she'll always have a special place in my heart. So, honestly... whatever she needs me to be, I'm comfortable with it.

 - Iron -  We've been chatting more. Which is good. I love our talks. I just love knowing that he's there and that he hasn't forgotten me. I'm not trying to pressure him into taking over as my Alpha or anything. The sex will come when it comes, and I know it will be great when it does.

- Zane -  There are not enough words for how much I am coming to rely on him as a stable Sweetie. And... for the first time, EVER, a Sweetie is bringing me into his world a bit. We're going to a thing on Friday for like-minded people, and he's bringing two of his friends from his waking world. Like, I get to meet new people. Zane is introducing me to his people.

I'm meeting people.

PEOPLE!!

- Stasia -  And here it is... doors close, but others open. Each person is a stepping stone to lead you home to the one you're meant for. YES! IT STILL FUCKING HURTS to be abandoned, but that shouldn't stop me from taking that next step.

Jaded taught me that trans women don't trigger me.

Ash taught me that I can still love.

I don't know if Stasia is only here to get me to the next person, or if she's it... I've only been talking to her for all of five hours, but we connect, profoundly, and I'm not giving up.

I have this love to give. I have this heart to give. I have these arms that are ready to hold someone who needs to be accepted as a whole person and loved as such.

Someone out there deserves to be loved in a way that is pure. Not fetishized or tolerated for their gender-awareness-identity, but well and truly embraced as a person.

Just a person.

Someone who deserves to be loved.

Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized I’m dissociating again, so these are the five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]

More of the same, I'm afraid... the conflict rages on.

- Warrior:Sarah - / - Healer:Anne -   Total understanding and support, and on top of that we're a fucking GODDESS, so FUCK THEM ANYWAY!!

- Reticent:Alice -  Closure, dammit... need closure. She can't stop crying. Dear fucking godz... get Alice some closure.

End Notes:  

Sleep...

I need you, but getting to you is like walking through brambles of trauma...

Fuck.