Social-Disaster Solidarity?

So...

I guess I'm in 'post-social-disaster related meltdown/crash mode'.

No, the thing wasn't bad. I actually made friends and had a really good time. I enjoyed meeting Zane's people and even had the opportunity to introduce them to Within Temptation. They both liked the music a lot and everything was fine.

However, Stasia was there, and I spazzed, hardcore. My brain went into total shut-down and my mouth forgot how to work.

All I wanted to do was just take her in my arms, kiss her, and tell her how beautiful she was in that little black dress.

And I ended up standing next to her like a total dork because I was hoping she'd initiate the physical contact so I knew if it was okay to touch her.

Ugh... (face in hands) ... omg... I fucking suck so bad.

My one and only saving grace might be that she finds awkward as adorable as I do. If I got lucky and attracted someone who shares that characteristic... then I might be okay.

Also, she said we're still on for our cuddle date tomorrow... so, there may be a chance to redeem myself if she doesn't just end up canceling on me because I'm such a fucking dork.

Fucking hell...

This is agony...

I'm pretty damn sure this is how it would have gone down with both Jaded and Ash if I had ever met them at a social event before getting to know them in-person at first.

So, I guess I'm learning that yes, while trans women don't trigger my PTSD... apparently they short-circuit the fucking hell out of me.

It's such a fucking curse to feel this much sometimes.

Once I realized that Stasia was not going to reach out for me, I had just enough clarity of thought to sit the fuck down at her table. Then, once she left, I ended up chatting with a lovely woman. She was super sweet and I was very happy to realize that she wasn't triggering my PTSD either.

Yeah, so… as soon as Stasia was gone, I was suddenly just fucking fine. I was animated, conversational, comfortable in my own skin, and all around I just had a good time.

I also met that fine woman's other half, who ended up asking a lot of questions to clarify who I am as a healer and a sex mage. It was a lot of fun to talk about something that personal so openly and honestly.

Fuck... I'm weird.

Who talks about sex magick at a social function?!

Me... I guess... I'll talk about sex magick at a social function.

Also... Set was there. Zane even knows him from another group. Yeah, he tried to talk to me and I froze there too. Oh... fucking hell... why do I have to be so awkward?!

I got some good hang time in with our group's moderator. She's fucking sweet as hell (and way hotter than I'd expected). We ended up going on a short walk together and, again, no triggering of my PTSD.

I think I can actually be friends with women!

I mean, I even thought about a little bit of a cuddle once or twice.

I guess I just have to know someone.

Then I can make the awkward kind of quit on me a little bit.

I think I just need to remind myself that I would love the fuck out of anyone who was as much of a social disaster as I am.

Social-Disaster Solidarity?

Perhaps.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  I actually ended up allowing myself to go to bed at a much more responsible time last night. No bad thoughts. No tears. I felt good enough to sleep, so... I really hope that's a trend that decides to continue.

- Spoons -  I need to do laundry today...

Yay spoons?

- Writing -  That darling woman I ended up chatting with asked me about writing a story with her as a Dragon shifter (or someone like her). She actually ended up giving me an idea to write a Gender-Fluid Dragon Shifter... OMG, that would fucking ROCK!!

Family:

- Spawn -  She has her puppy now... so cute. I'm glad they got the puppy just as she was finishing up middle school. This will be a good therapy animal for her and once he's more potty trained, he'll start to come with her on her visits. This is awesome.

Cuddles

- Zane - We actually ended up not hanging for most of the night. The venue was a place with a lot of classic video games and other arcade level fun like ski ball. I was there to be social and not play, so he ended up leaving me to my own devices. I'm cool with that.

I really enjoyed meeting his friends too!! That was awesome and not in any way socially awkward. Even when I had to explain, multiple times, that my social/entertainment life is crippled by my lack of funds and transportation.

Technically, that was my second date with Zane, even if it didn't result in cuddles. I really like him a lot and I hope I see him again for the cuddles soon. I'm definitely at the comfort level with him that I could take things up to Sweetie Mode.

- Stasia - Yeah, so, I'm made of nothing more than epic fail there. Fuck... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck... I hope she's still coming over tomorrow.

- Tristan - I'm worried about him.

He definitely counts as a 'loved one' in my world and things are not as they would be desired on his end. It hurts a lot to see someone I care about this much suffering like he is right now. I just want to hold him, kiss him, and use my soft touch on him to help the bad shit fall away for a little while.

It wouldn't solve anything... I know.

I guess it would just make me feel better if I could love him more.

- TCN:Shaw - So, I am totally ghosted here. This saddens me, but what did I learn? What did I gain from my too brief time with him?

Well... I learned that my gag reflex isn't as bad as it used to be. I actually really enjoyed it when he took my mouth. I'm hoping that I have the opportunity to grow in that respect.

End Notes:  

I did end up messaging Stasia a short apology note for my awkward. She said it was 'okay' but didn't go any deeper into reassuring me, which I just have to live with. I need to be okay with the fact that not everyone is going to be totally reassuring when I fail like that.

I sent her my 'getting comfy' pic and she sent me back a heart...

(tummy knots)

I suck.