There really is a certain power in being Solo Poly.
I can connect with whoever the fuck I want to connect with, and I don't have to give a fuck over whether or not I get any sort of partner approval.
If I want to date this person? Fine!
If I want to fuck the snot out of that person? Be my guest.
Nothing is holding me back anymore and I'm just starting to realize that this is really the first time I've ever experienced this in a Poly setting.
The 14 months that Bran left me alone, I tried for Sweeties, yes, but I was trying for single men online. I wasn't going after Poly's back then. I wasn't attempting to date within a community of like-minded individuals.
I think I was still so burned out by what happened with the Screeching Harpy that I was reluctant to associate myself with Poly. Even though, looking back, I fully realize now that what she practiced wasn't Poly at all. What she'd had with her husband was tolerated painkillers with other lovers while her abusive husband did whatever he wanted and threw it in her face...
…
... you know...
In some ways I guess I really can't blame her for what happened. I don't think anyone in her world had ever given her a model for how a healthy relationship was supposed to play out. Both romantically and/or with a mother/sister-figure.
It just hit me... like right now as I wrote that last paragraph... all those memes that talk about forgiveness not being about condoning someone else's behavior, but taking back one's power, finding self-closure, and moving the fuck on.
I need that, you know?
The closure.
That's one more thing that I've been missing... the closure with her so that I can accept the abuse that she inflicted and make my peace with it. So, if I can recognize just how relationship-ignorant and mentally ill she really was/probably still is, maybe I can let it go. Maybe I can move on from that.
I can't just say 'she should have known better' because, well, there's really no way she could have known better.
I know you're confused right now.
How did a train of thought on Solo Poly end up here, with me talking about forgiving the woman that almost killed me?
(sigh)
Because I was just thinking about my own terrible error in the Poly world fifteen years ago... and about the clan that I wronged because at the time I was undiagnosed and untreated for literally the hardest mental illness to diagnose and treat. And also, because at the time, I was also under the boot of my own narcissist and completely unaware of just how badly I was being mentally and emotionally abused.
I lashed out and committed terrible wrongs because of how much pain I was in.
My first baby-steps in Poly were... pretty fucked up.
And if I need him to forgive me, then I have to forgive her.
It's as simple as that.
So, you see how it all wraps just around like this weird ass cosmic burrito?
The pain that she caused me during the abuse prevented me from exploring Poly during the 14 months of hell -> My current Solo Poly adventure brought the un-code named him back into my life -> Realizing that I really need/want his forgiveness/friendship looped me right back to forgiving her -> That forgiveness just closed one chapter on the abuse AND the 14 months of hell.
Fuck me.
Solo Poly, Bitches.
Told you there's power there.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - You already know about my session with Valkyrie yesterday... but DAY-UM! Is she ever going to be amazed the fuck out of this forgiveness revelation! Especially with my sense of closure that I'm getting from it! It's going to completely blind side her.
- Spoons - LOL - even if I had the spoons to do the dishes, I'm getting picked up right after I get home from the weekly blood sacrifice to the anti-coagulation gods and the chiropractor today... heh... oh, jeez... what a week... :)
- Writing - I did not write yesterday/last night. Too tired. Could not get the brain-mojo to happen. We'll see what tonight brings, but I want to get to bed at a really decent hour so I sleep enough to get an early start tomorrow. Because:
NOLAN!! I'm coming for your snuggles, you handsome bastard, you!!
Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- People -
- Nolan - (chuckle) He and I ended up talking about it last night and really strengthened our bond even more... it's uncanny, the way that we feel about each other. It's that kind of comfortable platonic love where we just feel like 'home' to each other.
We make each other content, and it's so lush, and it's so wonderful.
Hence the new category. Nolan is one of my People, and I am one of his. (big grin) I'm definitely his Emily! Nolan would totally destroy worlds for me if it came to acts of vengeance.
I think I'm going to do everything in my power to just make Thursday Nolan's day. Nolan deserves a steady stream of snuggles.
Yeah... I gotta make that happen.
We make each other content, and it's so lush, and it's so wonderful.
Hence the new category. Nolan is one of my People, and I am one of his. (big grin) I'm definitely his Emily! Nolan would totally destroy worlds for me if it came to acts of vengeance.
I think I'm going to do everything in my power to just make Thursday Nolan's day. Nolan deserves a steady stream of snuggles.
Yeah... I gotta make that happen.
Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Cain - Sadly, yes, sweet Daddy Cain did not make it out for our long anticipated first date yesterday. So, that's one bit of self-exploration that I'm still waiting on. I'm okay, though. He had a very valid reason and I know he'll get to me when he gets to me. That's just a part of me that will come to the surface... eventually... Either with him or with someone else. (shrug) - It'll happen.
Colton isn't one of my people in the sense that I don't feel him sliding into one of my partner slots or anything, but I'm definitely forming an emotional bond here. Distinct feelings of 'love', but not clingy 'in love', if that makes any sense.
My love is my appreciation for his being in my life and my foreknowledge of how much of myself he's going to help me explore. What I feel for him is the pure love of submissive gratitude and I just want to bend to him, give him my body, and let him pull sounds out of me that I didn't even know I could make.
We also discussed a scene...
... (epic fucking giggle - clapping hands!) ...
My first real SCENE!
And it's a fantasy role-play too!!
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!
A role-play that doesn't make me feel awkward. Like I could totally see something like this happening in real life!
ACK!
WANT!!
- Brodie - Brodie is my Friday date... it's going to be really interesting to see where the fuck we land, lol.
Friends:
- TCN:Elliot & TCN:Brielle - And these two are the reason that I haven't said hello to anyone yet this morning!! I need to get this up and get in the fucking shower before I leave for my medical shit today!
End Notes:
So, yeah...
Solo Fucking Poly.
Who the fuck knew how awesome that could be?
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