... the arrow had been fired.

Every once in a while I see a meme in my feed about how an arrow needs to be pulled back before it can be fired. So, when it feels like something is pulling you back, or weighing you down, it's possible that you're just getting ready to be launched into something big.

Okay...

Thing is, you're not going to feel that 'in the moment'. When you feel that sensation of being pulled back, all you're going to fucking know is pain and a sense of total regression. You're going to have this overwhelming sense that all your progress up to that point has been wasted. You're basically going to feel as if your whole life is falling right the fuck apart.

You only recognize the strength of that pull in hindsight.

When I look back now... I can see the knocking happening as early as March, or April. About the time I was starting to come to grips with the fact that Bran was going to leave and that I (for fuck's sake, again, relly? I have to go through this shit again?!) had to put myself out there again and wade through a veritable cesspool of stray penis trying to find the one or two cocks worth taking home with me.

That led to a resurrection of my OKC profile, which led to my finding my wonder twin... and the revelation that I'd been in hiding for the last 4-6 years. That I'd been avoiding human contact and holding myself back from socialization and making friends.

That was the knocking... the beginning of the end, right there... and you know how new beginnings are often disguised as painful endings, right?

Then May happened... all the pullback you could ever fucking possibly imagine.

About a week or so BEFORE the final shredding? That's when I put my Tantra ring back on and committed myself to the Goddess the Fuck Up.

May 22nd is when my legal name change happened.

May 23rd is when my heart wasn't just broken, it was shredded. I had lost EVERYONE.

Six hours later I was breaking new ground on a higher plane and Sarah Anne 2.0 was launched...

... the arrow had been fired.

Fucking hurt like hell, but look where I am now?

Not even a full month later and I have a FULL social calendar and I'm experiencing revelations and epiphanies at an exponential rate.

I'm living, laughing, growing, learning, exploring, solo poly'ing, solitary sex magick'ing, and fucking my way into a brand new life of being a glorious new Goddess me.

So, fuck everyone who left me!

They were just holding me back.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Spoons -  No time to do dishes!! TOO MUCH SOCIAL!! (not complaining)

- Writing -  See above, RE: time.

Physical Health / Self-Care:

- Blood Sugar -  Super stable lately.

- INR -  Totally normal.

Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - People -

     - Nolan -  I need to finish this the fuck up so I can hop a bus and get the fuck out there for my SNUGGLES!! And Revenge - and and and… being Emily. (inside joke)

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - TCN:Colton -  We continue to grow, connect, hyper-stimulate each other… yes yes yes… want. He’s going to help me explore so much and if our date goes well, which we’re both sure that it will, TCN:Colton will be the first person EVER willing to go public on a relationship status with me. He’s willing to mark himself as my Mentor on Fet.

OMG!!!

 - Brodie - Friday promises to be awesome.

 - TCN:Kell -  He’s my Saturday. We met on Cuddle Comfort.

 - TCN:cub-Eddie -  He’s my next Thursday. We also met on Cuddle Comfort. However, I forgot that I have this Sunday open too!! So, I’m trying to bump him up.

Friends:

 - Elliot & Brielle -  OMFG! It was SO amazing to get caught up with them. We all had so many stories to tell each other about life, love, and relationship rises and falls since we last saw each other. The cat and dog loved the fuck out of me and the dinner of grilled out brats and asparagus was AMAZING. Nothing but love for these two!!

Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized that I’m dissociating again. So, there are five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]

I’m a little emotionally conflicted by this delicious Primal that I met on Fet. He seems to have this ability to hold up a mirror that will show people how ugly they truly are inside. He makes people uncomfortable for this reason.

This makes me both excited and gut-wrenchingly fucking terrified to meet him.

I confront my issues, yes… but I’m kinda scared he’ll show me something I’m not ready to see yet. And yet, I trust the process!! If he shows it to me, I have to trust that I truly AM ready, and that I’m due for confronting that issue…

… see… total emotional conflict.

End Notes:  

Fly arrow, fly...