Being what you need IS what I need.

Ash and I made it up into the 'I love you's' yesterday, and I know what you must be thinking. It's far too soon for that.

I'm not even going to try to justify it. I'm not going to try to convince you that this is okay.

I can even hear Sawyer in the back of my mind, cautioning me so strongly against giving Ash any part of my bloody, mangled heart so soon.

Nine days isn't enough time for it to have healed.

Unless there were a few outside factors involved.

Fuck...

... which there may very well have been.

Iron removed a huge 'pain spike' from my heart during our session. He realigned my kundalini too. And I know for a fact that Apophis is going hell bent Angel of Mercy on me right now too.

And then there's Eros.

He didn't pull me out of my love for Jaded, and I DO still love her, I'm just pulling back to a healthier kind of love where I'm not letting her trigger me. I'm pulling back to loving her in a way that's not as toxic for me.

I may get annoyed with her a little bit (or a lot bit), but I haven't fallen out of love with her.

Eros is the kind of guy who wouldn't let me suffer that kind of love on my own. He's the kind of guy who would have worked with Mercy-Apophis and helped a couple of good hearts find each other.

So...

... there's that...

... I guess... lol.

I guess that would help to make some sense over why I fell so hard for Ash so quickly when I know that normally I would have known better. Normally I would have held back, but she's grown on me so fast.

I love our non-stop chatting... the way we're pretty much obsessed with each other. I even found her song yesterday. Stardust, by Gemini Syndrome.

I haven't had the chance to do the lyrical breakdown with her yet to tell her what the song means to me and how the words fit her/us and our relationship.

Heh... I don't even think Jaded listened to a single one of the songs that I dedicated to her.

I love all the ways that Ash is so different from Jaded. She is so much what I need right now. She lets me love her. I'm visible to her. I've become this person that means the world to her in a very short span of time. She actually needs me.

Do you know that she was actually worried about not being what I needed?

We were talking about her gender fluidity and how badly she needed someone to love that quality about her instead of just tolerating it, and I do. I think it's something that makes her beautifully unique and gorgeously special. I fucking love it about her. I don't fetishize it, but I practically worship it because it makes her different. Unique. Wonderful.

She needed that.

She needed someone that would embrace all her sides.

And that's just my natural output. I love the freaks. I always have.

So, I mused that she needed someone like me, and I just dropped in her lap. And she actually worried that she wouldn't be enough of what I need.

Heh... oh, hunnie.

Being what you need IS what I need.

Family:

- Spawn -  We had our typical Friday. We talked for three hours and then hit an episode of Supernatural and two episodes of our latest anime, SaikiK.

Apparently, JerkDad is visibly showing animosity towards me. Which he hadn't done before overhearing me calling him a narcissist.

Truth hurts, Asshole.

She's done with Middle School any day now, and then I'll probably get to see her more over the summer, like usual.

It's really good having her around.

I love listening to her stories of what she wants to do when she gets her YouTube Channel.

It's messed up hearing about her interactions with her dad, though. He's finding it harder and harder to relate to her. She says something and he just doesn't understand her, but then she tells me about it and her logic makes perfect sense to me.

They're on the same page, but she can't articulate things in a way that makes sense to him. His warped logic just does not compute. They're on a totally different wavelength.

Yet, she can say the exact same thing to me, and I get her completely.

LOL...

... fuck...

... that must drive him absolutely crazy.

Sweeties:

[Empty Slot] - Especially with how fast things are moving with Ash - Team Sweetie will be filling up slots pretty soon here.  :)

Cuddles

 - Ash -  Pretty much covered her. She hasn't checked in yet today. Probably either sleeping in or on Family Duty. It's all good. I know I'm loved.

 - Iron - / - Zane -  Both tapped in. Zane's been ill, poor guy. I need to back the fuck up of nudging Iron so much. He gets busy. He's got a lot on his plate. I need to just fucking trust that he's my Alpha, that Apophis sent him, and that he's there.

End Notes:  

I'm in for a typical Spawn Saturday.  :) I'm going to make spaghetti while she does her homework.  :)

Ash just tapped in. I was right, she needed the sleep.  <3