Because... Sanctuary...

The rest of the day after yesterday's entry pretty much sucked ass. Today isn't looking much better.

Yes, Sawyer, I can hear your voice in the back of my mind cautioning me against investing too much of my happiness in other people right now.

Relax, this isn't that.

Being able to admit to loving again with a damaged heart does not suddenly make that heart whole. It just means that it still functions, despite its bloody, mangled state of existence.

I'm still damaged.

I still need the help.

I still start to lose my shit if I'm left alone for too long.

Yesterday I was left alone for too long.

I took some time this morning to go over Iron's Five-Senses Grounding exercise, and it helped a ton. I'll have to remember to thank him when he taps in.

I've decided to stop nudging people, they're fucking busy, I'm sure they won't forget me and I know I can reach out to them if it gets really bad, but 24 hours of *gasp!* solitude, shouldn't be considered 'bad'.

It's just the dark thoughts, you know?

They're so fucking haunting.

I was talking with a dear friend of mine last night about how I hadn't heard from Ash and how I didn't even feel that she was receiving my messages and it was banging gongs on my abandonment issues and I hated hated hated it because I knew it was just the BPD talking and fuck you fuck you fuck you BPD I have no control over you and I fucking hate you.

And she calmed me right the fuck down and said: 'Well right. You wouldn't be able to just talk yourself out a broken arm, either. Sucks.'

*blink blink*

Then she continued with:

(Can you imagine though?

*arm breaks*

"Nope, not having any of that"

*arm sheepishly fixes itself*)

Dammit, Woman! Stop making so much sense.

She's absolutely right.

I've got miles of broken inside me right now... and not hearing from Ash for an entire day, right after trusting her with 'I love you'?

It's a little too much.

Even I'm willing to admit that.

Still... moving right along.

Hopefully, it's nothing serious behind the disappearance and it's just a tech issue or something like my friend said.

In the meantime, Goddess the Fuck Up, girl!

I have a solid battle plan to invest a lot more time in some self-care that will also result in the strengthening of my Sanctuary Spell.

Because... Sanctuary...