The past is a tricky bitch.

The past is a seriously tricky thing sometimes.

Like, what if you run into someone you know from your past and you totally remember them, but they might not quite remember you?

And even more awkward... what if they didn't like you back then, but they're being seriously sweet to you now?

FUCK.

How do you break the news to someone in that situation?

How do you tell someone, "Hey, I love the fuck outta this, but just so you know, you used to hate me"?

(sigh)

Srsly...

… I was a completely different person 15 years ago.

For one; I was undiagnosed and untreated for my Borderline Personality Disorder. A condition for which I am remarkably well treated for now and my own therapist calls me an 'Enlightened Borderline'. So, we've surpassed Advanced... moved beyond Expert.. and taken this all the way up to 'Enlightened'.

For two; This was back when I was still under the boot of my narcissist.

Keeping in mind that the Narcissist/Borderline pairings had been going on in my family for at least three generations at that point, I had no fucking clue that I was being abused. I just thought that being in that level of pain in my primary relationship was normal.

...

... so... back then... I met this someone... and we kinda hit it off.

All I fucking knew was that when he kissed me, the pain went away, and from that point on everything was frantic efforts to get back to that sense of relief, or desperate lashing out over being rejected when things didn’t go the way I wanted them to.

I... did...

… not handle the situation well.

I was vilified and demonized in his clan, and for pretty good reason too. I was freaking right the fuck out. I was an untempered Borderline on full rampage mode.

He could not and would not forgive me for it then.

But could he and would he forgive me for it now?

That's the big question.

We've been chatting this morning and I really feel like I have a shot at being his friend. We're in the same community, and it would be very much in our best interests if we could be friends so there's no animosity tearing our community apart.

Fuck.

The past is a tricky bitch.

I really hope forgiveness is on the table.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  I slept last night. Like, for reals and shit.

- Spoons -  Dishes.

- Writing -  HAH!

- #YarnSlut -  Um?

- Fur-babies -  Meh.

Physical Health / Self-Care:

- Blood Sugar -  124 - I’m good with that.

- Magic Hippo Dance -  Remind me to annoy insurance about this.

Family:

- Spawn -  So, last night was the first time we've seen each other since my awakening as a Pansexual and it was really joyful for me to come out to her and explain it to her.

I never had a single doubt in my mind that she'd take it well, but it was super cute too. As soon as I was done explaining it, she just nodded, smiled, and said: "You know what mom? I kinda already knew that about you."

Of course, she did.

How could she not, we think exactly alike.

She even went on to describe herself as Platonic Pan (Pan-tonic?), because she accepts and loves everyone regardless of their gender identifications and she'd never reject anyone for being non-gender-conforming. She would think that kind of rejection is total bullshit.

Fucking love her.

Also, she's both girly-girl and tomboy, so she might eventually come out as GenderFluid at some point and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. Fuck, I'd be so damn proud of her!!

She's just too bad ass for words.

Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Iron - (squirm) want

- Stasia - I bit the bullet and pinged her this morning. She hasn’t seen it yet.

- Tristan - I have to admit, there's a strong part of me that would be so fucking happy if he went public about our cuddle date. He's quickly becoming a respected member of our poly community and it would give me a LOT of cuddle credibility if he sang my praises a little bit.

- TCN:Kaden - I'd be pretty fucking happy if he went public too. (sigh) I guess I just want to have a reputation in the community as a good cuddler with the ability to completely incapacitate people with my touch... (granted, that's not quite the direction I was in with TCN:Kaden, I was the receiver on my date with him.)

- TCN:Brooke - This is shaping up to be pretty interesting. I got her to admit to having a crush on me... and I set my boundaries. She was super receptive and understanding, but it was still gut-wrenching. I care so much for her and it would kill me if I hurt her the way that Jaded hurt me. So, I've vowed to be so very careful with her heart. I shall treat it as if it's the most precious thing I could ever hold in my hands.

I will keep my boundaries stable, knowing that she will respect them, but I won't abuse or neglect her feelings the way that Jaded did with me.

I'm too good for that.

Friends:

OMG!!! SO MANY NEW FRIENDS!!! Like everywhere, I'm meeting new and wonderful people and I fucking LOVE ALL OF THEM!!!

Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized that I’m dissociating again. So, there are five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]

Not a lot of emotional conflict today... I guess I'm starting to numb out on some days.

End Notes:  

Sooo... yeah...

Still not sure how to break it to him that he used to hate me.

#Awkward!