I find it interesting how much I seem to be living in the world of memes lately.
Today's meme is the one about meeting that one person and realizing why it never worked out with anyone else.
Now, I want to make it clear, I have FELT that way about people in the past. These parts of my heart have been OFFERED to people in the past. (*cough*Jaded!*cough*), but what good is such a precious gift if it is never claimed.
Hmm... (smile)
And there's that word again...
Claimed.
You see, there's something to be said for the people who actually SHOW THE FUCK UP and say 'Yes. YOU! You're MINE!' instead of months of online chatting.
Also, let's not forget the ones who maintain contact, and come back. None of this pathetic one-night-stand bullshit where I just get ghosted right after.
There are certain people who make it dead fucking clear "This, this thing? Yeah, this is a thing. We're a thing now."
They stake a claim.
To a degree, a sense of ownership is laid down. Those cheeks have been rubbed and the scent glands have been activated. Someone says 'you are my person, and I'm not letting you go.'
And then that feeling sets in...
This is why it didn't work out with anyone else...
It all becomes so clear.
The months of chatting online, but to no avail.
The months of one-night-stands and ghosting.
It all led to this...
... this thing...
... this claiming...
...
... they didn't just fall into my lap...
I didn't find them on any online dating site.
I didn't see them posting somewhere or find cause to hunt them down.
I didn't make first contact!
Do you realize how fucking rare that is?!?!?!?
This wasn't even in response to one of my open Cuddle Calls!!
For fuck's sake!!
Drogo saw me socially interacting and I piqued his interest... He was the one who made first contact and look where that lead us?
Hannah-Cat wondered about the possibilities, and I have now learned that Drogo also encouraged her to make first contact and holy fuck god damn oh my god what the fuck how the hell?
Yeah...
This just got really interesting.
I've been completely closed off to anything involving afab's for over two years... and then this sweet, little kitten just came up, paw padding and purring against me.
I ... I mean.. Like, I ... fuck, I just... how the fuck do you not pet it?
How do you say, "I'm sorry, you're cute and all, but this is a pussy free zone."
You don't!
You just fucking don't.
And then everything just woke the fuck up...
And I realized why nothing with tits has gotten this close to me since my trauma.
It's because I've been hers this whole time.
I find my heart opening.
I find my barriers crumbling.
Nothing is dead inside anymore.
I'm alive, I'm breaking out.
And she's the reason why.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Spoons - Dishes tomorrow.
- Writing - About 500 words into part 4 of my Alpha Wolf Fantasy - FINALLY got to the sex! (roughly at 4K total)
- #YarnSlut - Not yarn, exactly, but I have some projects that I'm strongly motivated to work on.
Physical Health / Self-Care:
- INR - Dead normal.
- Blood Pressure - Same.
- Nervous System - I need to make an appointment.
Since my last pap was only in January, and it was super clear, my doctor didn't feel the need to do another one, but the rest of the full STD screening was done.
Sweeties:
- Hannah-Cat - <<<=== Oh, fuck the hell yeah! Look who got a major status upgrade!
She went from 'potential' to full-on 'Sweetie' overnight. Didn't even rise through the ranks of 'cuddles' or 'people'... not even 'AmbiguSweetie'... just zero to overdrive.
Because... fucking hell... this is my kitten and she knows how to go faster and faster and faster (that will make sense by the end of this entry).
Our conversation ramped up right after my date with Drogo... and she started crushing the fuck on me... and, I gotta admit, I had my reservations, but I know it was just the PTSD. I knew how I already felt about her. I just really needed to take things slow and I needed her to be patient with me.
We had our first cuddle date set up, but it seemed like it was AGES away... and then yesterday... she was free... and she was in a position to sneak away for a few hours...
OMG! (squee!)
Fucking hell!!
She knew how I felt about women... and she knew how I was starting to feel about her... she knew that I wanted to let her in... and she knew that she wanted to be the one to claim me. She knew she wanted to be the one to help me overcome my feminine intimacy issues.
She wanted to be the first girl to get to me... to mark me.
Yes... exactly… to literally claim me.
My gorgeous little kitten had every fucking intention of burning her sigil into my heart and making me hers.
And...
... yeah...
... holy fuck...
... oh my god...
... mission mother-fucking accomplished...
I had so many barriers.
I still have barriers!!
I knew I'd be able to give her chaste little kisses... but I wasn't ready for lips yet...
HAH!
Fuck that noise...
Those charming little lips seduced the fuck out of me and omg... we made out for like an hour...
Kissing her is like that soft place of pure bliss ... um... very similar to that first sip of coffee in the morning... or slipping off 'too tight' shoes that have been on your feet all day... or easing into a near scalding bubble bath with milk and rose petals...
It's invigorating and freeing, and soothing all at the same time.
And now I'm just hers.
I will never get enough of her.
She quenches a part of my soul that I didn't even know was parched.
...
... ahhh!!
... (squee!!)
Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Team Sweetie -
- Iron - I'm very happy to report that he tapped in again this morning and it wasn't just small talk pleasantries. I brought it up that I've been doing amazingly well, and that in the last month since I'd seen him, I'd experienced so much exponential growth, I wasn't even sure he'd recognize my energy anymore.
He said I shouldn't be so sure about that because the spike that he removed from my heart was a major blockage and he sensed my full potential just writhing underneath. So, he was pretty sure of what I was capable of without that spike there.
I ended up telling him that I can't tell if I'm really healed, or if I'm just so used to walking around broken that I only feel okay and that I wished he were around to scan me and help me figure it out.
He says soon.
And then he asked me what I was doing on X-Date, but that's my next Mentoring session with Drogo... so, yeah... not giving up my Drogo time for anything.
Iron and I will just have to sort it out eventually.
- People -
- Drogo - Because, yeah, this gorgeous mother-fucker isn't getting his time taken away for ANYTHING. The sweet Sarah Anne NEEDS her Drogo.
I'm gonna pounce the fuck outta him.
Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Alpha-cub - AAAAHHHHH!!!! In like an hour! (once I get this posted)
- TCN:Nelson - And... much to my surprise! A few hours after posting my last entry I got another message to him. He made it clear that he still wanted to continue our conversation and that he was enjoying it.
Well... okay then...
Let's see where this goes.
- TCN:Kobe - And, guess who else tapped in last night??!!
We ended up chatting about our mutual con/non-con fantasies and how compatible they are. We both come from a place of passion where we really just want to feel wanted. There's nothing dark or dangerous about either of us. It's just about desire, and the need to be desired.
This might actually go somewhere someday... who knows?
End Notes:
Last night, I received an offer to get spanked.
Know what?
Zero desire.
And I fucking love getting spanked.
It's just that the only hands I want on my ass are Drogo's right now.
I mean, in the D/s - BDSM sense of 'Drogo is my Mentor' and when it comes to finding my thresholds and pushing them... my ass is his. My body is his. I am his.
My exceptions would be Primals and Alphas because Drogo stakes no claim on those parts of me. If I'm exploring thresholds with Primals and Alphas, fuck yeah, they can spank me or do whatever the hell they want to me. This guy was neither Primal nor Alpha, though. So, I defaulted back to belonging to Drogo.
I'm right there with Hannah-Cat too.
She's not breaking my barriers when it comes to woMEN.
She's annihilating the fuck out of my barriers when it comes to woMAN.
It's just her.
There's something very very very special about these two. Both individually and as a couple and I feel a very intense pull to put a lot of my focus on them.
I'm still going to live, laugh, enjoy, cuddle, and fuck others... yeah.
I need to do this solo-poly thing and rock the fuck out of it.
However... in terms of what I want that has the potential to go deeper.
My only Mentor is Drogo.
My only girl is Hanna-Cat.
I belong to them.
I am claimed.
-----
For my beautiful Hannah-Cat...
"I can feel that you've mesmerized my heart.
I feel so free.
I'm alive, I'm breaking out."
No comments:
Post a Comment