I'm moving super slowly this morning. And I'm really not sure what's up with that. Once again, I feel like I got to sleep at a decent enough hour because it was earlier than 3 am, but maybe 2 am still doesn't quite count?
At any rate... I seemed to have no trouble falling asleep, even without the TV/Netflix going. Bran has the cable bill set to come out today, so I didn't have my normal sleep distraction to help me. However, I was still just a tiny bit stuffy and taking the nighttime cold medicine on top of my other ‘tranq an elephant’ meds might have helped considerably.
I woke up naturally about ten minutes before the alarm, which is amazing, normally I'd wake up about 6 am and then have a shit time getting back to sleep, only to get alarmed out of a REM cycle at 8. Fucking murder that is!
So, I feel like I should be a lot more okay than I am... but I'm still moving exhausted/slow and I don't know what the fuck is up with that.
I'm still on the track of making new friends, and last night I was up until 2 am chatting with TCN:Brooke.
I'm still not quite sure where to place her. She's clearly very attracted to me and I can sense her seducing me. It's just that I'm still very uneasy about her because she's... um... girl. Not trans, want to be girl, but... girl, and I still have all these trust issues.
At the same time, we have a fuck ton in common. Her taste in music is legendary. She communicates in lyrics the same way that I do and I can genuinely feel myself wanting to cuddle up to her.
I guess I'm just not ready for it to go further than cuddles and she's expressed a very strong desire to kiss me.
I don't think I'm ready for that, yet.
Don't worry. I'll tell her this. I'm not worried about hurting her feelings. I know she'll understand that it's just a PTSD thing and that there's nothing wrong with her. I'm not rejecting her at all. I just need to take things really slowly.
We're supposed to have coffee soon and I'm really looking forward to it. It would be kinda awesome if she's the person who's in my life to heal my PTSD with women. I would so very dearly love to be able to expand my Pansexuality to encompass women (and girl parts) as well.
That would be great.
Oh! I also had my cuddle date with TCN:Kaden yesterday... it's all in his section below... but omfg omfg omfg, did that date ever go well!
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Writing - I swear to do my level best to make this happen today.
Physical Health / Self-Care:
- Blood Sugar - 107 this morning. Pretty much can’t get more perfect than that.
Cuddles
- Iron - Soooo... I was in contact with him around the time I was doing a little solitary sex magick to prepare for TCN:Kaden's visit. And I let him know I was going to do some SSMk before I got into the shower... I was already done before I got the message that he'd asked me to think about him while I was taking care of myself...
(warm purr) Uh... that is exactly what I'd done... that round of SSMk was all Iron... and more to the point, he wanted it to be.
Fuck me. Godz dammit. Oh, how I want to be his... He's the Alpha I want. I don't really think anyone else will ever measure up to him. I just don't think he has the kind of free time it would take for him to want to properly claim me. (sigh) I still want it, though.
I know.
I'm pathetic.
- TCN:Kaden - Eeeee... (giggle)
I'm still kinda in floaty headspace... ... that was an awesome fucking cuddle... no, literally.
Before I get going on this one, I want to be really, epically clear, TCN:Kaden and I have history. So, even though this was technically our first date, it didn't feel that way. We've known of each other for the better part of ten years... I was just in hiding for most of that time or we probably would have gotten involved a long time ago.
As it stands, I was already completely comfortable with him and, come on... he's been in the poly community for ten years. This isn't the kind of guy who's just going to ghost me after one date, no matter how intimate or involved that date did or didn't become.
We started with the cuddle basics, my head on his chest, his arms around me. His fingertips lightly tracing my skin. He started finding reaction points and learned that my shoulders leading all the way up my neck and into my hairline are very sensitive.
He's the first person who's pointed out that when stimulated I will bare my throat to the stimulation.
Um... he's right... Anything so much as touches my neck/throat and I will immediately arch right into it.
And queue self-awareness, Primal:prey.
I was wearing one of my racerback tank dops with the arm openings so wide that it's pretty easy to get another whole arm in there... hence, how some fingertips found their way down my back and along my shoulder blades... whoops! Well, there went the shirt! (he took his off too)
Fucking love skin-on-skin cuddles.
I loved the way he would hold me so tight and just squeeze the stuffin' outta me... that was fucking bliss right there.
After a bit, I became both overhydrated and underhydrated at the same time.
What?
I was thirsty and I had to pee.
It was an excuse to come back into the room completely naked anyway. TCN:Kaden also stripped down while I was downing some water.
That time I went for the little spoon.
He found out my hips are another HUGE reaction point. Mmmm, (purr) along with the better angle of winding his fist into my hair. FUCK YES... and a thousand times over again... fuck, the hell, yes.
But, yeah, grabbing my hips will send me deep into moaning my little head off.
So... much... grinding...
And he knew what I needed... his fingers had tested my readiness for him a few times and with the way I damn near screamed my pleasure to that alone... he knew.
Bless him for not asking.
Bless him for not being too timid to take control.
He fucking knew that I needed him to just take me and he did.
Godz yes, he made me scream... thank every fucking god in every fucking verse for that...
We did need a position shift in the middle... but it was good... those were even louder screams.
The earth fucking moved when he came.
Fucking hell...
I needed that.
It was really hard to say goodbye, but I'm sure I'll see him again fairly soon'ish.
I'm really happy that he came back into my life.
Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized that I’m dissociating again. So, there are five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]
- Reticent:Alice - For some reason Alice has been pretty concerned about how Bran is going to react to the emergence of the Pansexuality and the desire to specifically be in a primary relationship with a GenderFluid that started out on the XY'ish side of things.
And, no, that preference isn't fetishized at all. It's where my attraction lies for both spiritual and PTSD reasons.
Truthfully, you can really blame Ash for this. When I fell in love with her, this became what I really wanted the most.
I'll still date the fuck out of anyone, but this is what I want in a primary.
Anyway.
Alice seems to think that Bran will somehow take an issue with this... and when she thinks about it, she gets angry as fuck because he LEFT US. He abandoned us. We had to do what we had to do in order to survive and if he wasn't going to treat our relationship as primary, then he has no business dictating how we choose to survive that kind of grief and loss.
So... fuck...
Lots of angry shouting at Bran in Alice's head.
I wish I had some way to comfort her.
End Notes:
I guess I really don't have much to say in closing except to say that Bran has been gone for 34 consecutive days and he barely says two words to me. He's never even asked how I'm doing.
He's doing just fucking great and he loves to brag about how happy he is.
(tears fall)
Come on, Godz. I need someone by my side who wants to be there.
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