Solitude is no longer my prison.

I ended up taking an unplanned break from social engagements yesterday. Brodie had a family incident that required his attention. It's totally cool, this type of incident is definitely the kind of thing where family definitely comes first and I'm not feeling sad, upset, or rejected/stood up at all. It just was what it was.

I did chat with a couple of people in an attempt to fill the space, but you know what else?

I was fucking fine on my own.

Yeah...

... that.

I was fine.

I experienced zero anxiety, zero bad thoughts, zero being brought to tears by the 'lack of closure' conversations in my mind.

What closure do I need with Bran? I've let it go. I've come to grips with the fact that I really lost him over two years ago, and that I may never have a relationship with him that will be as strong, or stronger than what was taken from us. This isn't his fault. This is something that was done to us. It just took me this long to figure out that it worked. Now, to the best of my knowledge, she still doesn't have him... no one does. He has himself, and I'm proud of him for that.

What closure do I need with Jaded? Yesterday our flirting took it to a place where she said she'd still be down to fuck. (shrug) We're not what we were either, but what we were was both unhealthy and toxic to me. NO, she's not a toxic person and the relationship wasn't at all toxic, but the way that I loved her and how that consumed my being... yeah, trust me, that was toxic as fuck. Now I've let that toxicity go, and I can love her in a much more 'pure' way. Which may result in nothing more than fucking... I'm so good with that. She's fucking hot!

So...

I'm okay?

Maybe even good?

Know where my head was at instead of my closure/not-closure?

I was thinking about things like my (hopefully, soon to be) Mentor, TCN:Colton, and about how badly I want to touch him and worship his flesh. How badly I want to surrender to his mercy and belong to him for a little while.

I think about the things that Colton is going to help me explore and I think about how grateful I'm going to be with every new layer of myself he helps me pull back to reveal new 'me' underneath. I think about his words when he said he's going to reward the level of trust and faith I'm going to put in him. I think about how that just makes my pussy all warm and gooey.

If I'm not thinking about TCN:Colton, well... then I'm probably thinking about Alpha-cub and how this luscious, young Spanish hottie is determined to pleasure the fuck out of me as well.

Trust me...

... there's plenty to think about.

I have so much laughter, lust, and love in my future that I don't need to look back anymore.

Solitude is no longer my prison.

It gives me time to catch up on my 200 social messages and get some writing in!!

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  I'll be glad to report to Valkyrie about my revelation regarding solitude.

- Spoons -  One load of dishes got done.

- Writing -  The latest Fet Fantasy is up to three parts instead of the predicted two.

Physical Health / Self-Care:

- Blood Sugar -  Still good!

Other self-care has been on point too. So, very little to worry about, although I’m still not eating enough of the right food, but there’s really nothing that can be done about that.

Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - People -

     - Nolan - I accidentally scheduled my upcoming Thursday with Alpha-cub and neglected to leave it clear for Nolan, but once I explained about who stole his day, Nolan gave me his full support. I'm giving Nolan TWO days the following week to make it up to him.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Stasia -  I sent her a big warm hug, just in case she needed it. I got a heart/like back. Then I offered boobies but got no reply. I don't think it was social suicide, though... at least I hope it wasn't.

 - TCN:Colton -  OMFG - there are seriously no words for the level of WANT here. And, while I know I will appreciate his touch very much, I know I also have this deeply ingrained, visceral NEED to give as good as I get. Both out of love and respect, but also so that he has all the information he’ll need if he's going to fully endorse me.

Colton's like me... some serious body shame happening there... so, he's asked me, more than once, not to touch him out of any sense of 'obligation' or 'duty'. He's empathically and emotionally sensitive enough to pick up on that and based on the way that he makes such a request, I can tell that people who offer him physical attention in that way must wound him on a very deep level.

Okay... I will admit... as far as what I am typically physically attracted to, Colton may not fall into the preference of my shallow physical stereotype.

But, fuck that shit!

He's seriously one of the most beautiful men I've ever met in my entire life.

Colton is one of those types of people that doesn't have to rely on physical stereotypes of accepted attractiveness to get what he wants and what he deserves.

The soul he embodies is right there, on the surface, glowing and perfect for all to see. It's like he's not even aware that he's a God already and he just needs someone like me to connect him to his own divinity.

When I see his gorgeous skin, my hands clench because of how badly my claws want to sink into him... my fangs are equally as enchanted.

He definitely brings my Primal Alpha Wolf to the surface.

I'm fucking dying here... why isn't it Monday yet?! Why isn't he in my clutches yet?!

ARGH!

want.

(pout)

 - Brodie -  I’m sure we’ll reschedule or run into each other at something social.

 - TCN:Kell -  TODAY!!

 - Alpha-cub -  Really looking forward to this coming Thursday!!

 - TCN:Nelson -  He and I met when I hunted him down from the Primal group on Fet. We've been chatty, but he's been resistant. We have a somewhat tentative thing on Friday. If he bows out I'm just going to let him go.

I've also been chatting with another Primal and that one I can't even get on my calendar at all... so...

FFS Primals?

What the hell does a girl have to do to get some savage fucking sex around here?

Reasons:

 - Jaded -  So, I've re-added Jaded to the naughty list where she will get random boobies and evidence of Solitary Sex Magic.

She very much appreciates this!!

Her comment was that I needed to be drilled, I agreed, and she said she wouldn't mind.

There was mention of setting up a date at some point in the not too distant future.

I'm gonna push.

I don't care if it's just a fuck buddy thing.

Anything with her is better than nothing.

End Notes:  

I'm looking forward to cuddling Kell in just a little bit here.

And, you know what else?

I'm starting to have a zero-negative-reaction thing to being just a hookup too? When I scroll past guys on OKC, if I see something hot, I find myself thinking 'dayum, I'd tap that', and it doesn't seem to matter that it would just be a one-time thing for both of us.

I think that's because I'm getting so much emotional fulfillment in the poly community that I'm starting to feel okay with a little random freaky sex.

Weird, right?!