I'm learning the very interesting way that there really is something to be said for being a rarity.
When I started this Solo-Poly journey a little over a month ago, I really wanted people to come into my life who could see me and who could see my true value.
I was done being neglected, ignored, abandoned, and invisible.
I fucking deserved better, and I knew it.
I wanted people who knew it too.
Humph...
Talk about getting what you ask for...
I mean... wow.
So, in one respect, I've known for years that I'm a Unicorn. All it took was me getting more comfortable with my body and paying attention to the fact that I look about 10 years younger than my true age.
I'm geeky as fuck.
In geek subculture, a hot geek girl is a Unicorn.
Okay...
So, that brings us to much more recently as I slowly came into my awareness as a Pansexual.
Jaded had a meme about the harsh plight of the trans lesbian, because of the extreme rarity for cis women to consider them female enough to count.
In Ash's world, I was the first woman to hold her femininity in my hands and regard it as precious. It was the first time someone had accepted her as a whole, perfect being. Worthy of love.
Lastly, there was Stasia, who called attention directly to it. I'm a cis woman who gets it. I neither merely tolerate, nor do I fetishize trans. I get it.
Even Nolan has confirmed this.
I'm a cis woman who regards trans individuals as whole, perfect, majestic beings who are worthy of acceptance and love.
According to Stasia, that made me a Unicorn in my own right.
The rest is all Hannah-Cat's fault.
(bites lip) That hot little kitten of mine.
It started out so innocently. I met Drogo and we hit it the fuck off so nicely, but I did know that he had a partner.
I expected the usual.
I expected Drogo's partner to tolerate me at best, or vehemently despise me at worst.
Yeah...
... nope...
... she had other plans.
Instead, she popped right up in my inbox, bouncing and wiggling, "Hi, you're cute! Can I cuddle you too?!"
Cognitive dissonance ensues.
And yet... when I cuddled Drogo... he had so many positive things to say about her.
I trust the fuck out of Drogo.
So... yeah... cuddles...
And then the next thing I know I'm falling tits over tea kettles in love for this sweet little angel.
I ended up chatting with her about this yesterday... and Drogo is so good to both of us... and she is so good to Drogo and me... and I have every fucking intention of being so good to the both of them...
... o ... m ... g ... !
I say to her.
"You do realize you kinda just made me your Unicorn?"
So... now we're still trying to process that a little bit.
My relationship with Hannah-Cat is moving a lot faster than my relationship with Drogo, and I'm just fine with that. I'm perfectly okay with him taking everything as slow and gentle as he needs to.
However, even he did admit, this could possibly be a thing between the three of us.
No one's pushing any boundaries yet.
We've simply all stated that we're open to the possibility.
I've also made it abundantly clear that I don't need it to be anything serious. I'm really loving the freedom of exploring the vast landscape of Solo-Poly and I have no desire to tie myself down to anything. So, as far as I'm concerned, they're the Primaries and I'll be more than content to be their loyal side piece.
It is kinda bad ass, though.
I will be adding a new section I think.
Tales from the Accidental Unicorn.
Because... none of us were looking for it. It just happened. I find it hysterically funny, but heartwarmingly beautiful at the same time.
(and omg, the sexual fantasies!)
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Writing - Lots and lots of Spawn time coming up. If I write at all it's going to be late at night after she's gone to bed.
Family:
- Spawn - So, I have to admit that I'm really fucking frustrated and sad right now.
My case worker is on maternity leave. There is SUPPOSED to be another case worker that's picking up the slack, and this woman is SUPPOSED to have my contact information.
I was told, rather pointedly, by my case worker that this woman was going to contact me, and we would sort out our meeting times and shit.
I was ALSO told that this slack case worker was aware that I rely heavily on the case workers for trips to grocery stores.
It's now been two weeks, and fucking nothing.
I just ran out of a component for my standard lunch, so I'm going to have to figure that out.
However, that's not what has me upset.
The Spawn and I have a tradition.
(really about to cry now)
Every Friday night on her weekends with me, we eat a frozen pepperoni and sausage pizza for dinner.
Yeah...
... so guess what I don't have?
And I just feel hurt, sad, and fucked. Even though I know she'll understand... it breaks my heart.
This is my Spawn.
She deserves her fucking pizza.
Sweeties:
- Hannah-Cat - Fuck...
Can I just say how special it makes me feel that she drives for over an hour out of her way, just to spend about an hour in my arms?
Do you realize that most people wouldn't consider an hours worth of cuddle worth a two-hour round trip?
Hannah-Cat makes me feel worshiped in a way that is so overwhelmingly good... it worries me just a tiny bit... like she'd crawl naked over broken glass just to get to me.
Oh... my sweet girl... she got into an ouchie on her way away from me... and I can't help but feel partially responsible. If she weren't coming to see me, it wouldn't have happened. I think she's okay. She's ouchie, and she'll be ouchie for a bit... and I has a sad because there are times when I can't protect her.
And I want to mother-fucking murder the mother-fucker that made her ouchie! (scowl)
--
Okay... but... the snuggle, though?
(bites lip)
I hope it was worth it.
[long string of expletives] she's so fucking beautiful!
I got up an hour early just to be caffeinated enough for her.
Being in her arms is a special kind of bliss...
... have you ever snapped the last bit in on a 5,000 piece puzzle that kept you up at nights?
Hannah-Cat's snuggles feel like... closure.
Like every empty space is filled, and every shred of heart tissue has finally been laid back along its striations, and every crack in the soul's veneer has been sealed with gold... it's... it's completion.
It's fucking heaven.
She makes me forget what it felt like to be broken.
Her kisses are so soft... and sweet... like, if the petals of the most delicate orchid and marshmallows had a baby.
Try to imagine the frosting on cupcakes infused with rum... yeah... that's her breasts.
I'm getting closer to being able to explore the rest of her...
... come on, this was only our second date.
...
... she showed up and pulled me into the bed with her. We held each other and kissed... clothes starting coming off... so. much. touching.
At one point she rode my hips a little and made me wish I could afford one of those strapless strap-ons... you know the ones? The kind that has the removable vibrating bullet...
... gods how I want to make her feel my cock...
I finally got to leave some bite marks along the back of her shoulder and neck.
I teased her with my nails.
Fuck, she's got a sweet ass. That got some claw teases and some spanks.
(whine)
And then she had to go...
I walked her out to her car and kissed her goodbye... and then I saw some insect behind her and I warned her because, and I quote:
"Some winged creature has threatened my princess!"
Yeah...
... I'm not kidding...
... I actually talk like that.
(long sigh)
I want this girl in my life.
-----
Later I got a pic of Drogo's arm draped over her and his hand grabbing her pussy, and I felt this intense rush of emotion.
I wanted to be there with them so bad.
I wanted to be touching the both of them while he was touching her.
Accidental Unicorn, indeed.
Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Team Sweetie -
- Iron - I love it that we seem to have these brief little morning check ins almost daily... This morning I talked about how in love I am with Hannah-Cat and I thanked him for how much he set in motion. He credited my love to an unblocked heart chakra and just told me he did what needed to be done... agent of karma style.
I remember him telling me how often that is his fate. How he just gets airdropped into someone's life at the exact right time to work the fix, and then he never sees them again.
And I balked... I'd never 'not talk to him' again.
But... (sigh) look how busy he's been...
I guess it wasn't my choice, now was it?
- Undeclared -
- Alpha-cub - So, this went well.
A bit fast... hookup style? We got to the naked and sexy pretty quickly.
I guess there just wasn't a whole lot of cause for pretense. We'd already been getting to know each other via message and email, so we knew that most of our compatibility boiled down to sex. So, I guess I'm really not sure why I would have expected a more drawn out lead in.
Being a hookup bothers me less than it used to because I have so much going for me in quality relationships right now. So, a little straight fucking seems like a pretty good idea too.
The sex, though...
... D A Y U M !
He did NOT fail me one little bit.
This is someone who knew, going in, that I needed him to hold me down and he kept me well and truly pinned.
(big grin) I even struggled... a lot... and he kept me down.
...
There was a tiny oops, though.
And I have to own it.
I talk to so many people that I sometimes forget who I have or haven't told about my defective body/mind connection in regards to my orgasm.
(wince)
I guess I totally neglected to mention it to him.
...
So, there he was, pounding the fuck out of me (he still could have gone harder, I'm just that unbreakable) and he's doing the porn star guy ego thing where he's asking me if I'm going to cum for him.
Ugh...
Not the appropriate time to say anything about the broken.
Not the time to say 'I've never had an orgasm with a lover.'
Not the time to tell him that I believe that part of me was buried under layers of trauma when I was still just a child.
Oops?
--
Drogo has a very different theory in regards to my orgasm, and NO, it's not just that I 'haven't had the right guy, yet' - he's not on that kind of an ego trip. He does have a plan to see if he can unblock me, though.
--
After the sex, Alpha-cub and I chatted a little bit... and then we got dressed...
(BIG GRIN)
But there was one other little awesome as fuck thing.
He brought me a prezzie!!
On my first date with Pathfinder, he brought me flowers, so I can't say that no one has ever brought me anything, ever.
But, this is the first time someone has brought me a gift that will actually be around for a really long time.
He knows how much I love Supernatural, and now I have Baby sitting on my shelf!!! (squee!)
So awesome!!
Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Devil’s Mirror - Okay... so, I've totally been fucking up here!
There are TWO guys that I hunted down from the Primal group on Fet.
I only created ONE TCN - and I kept getting them confused.
FFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!
Devil's Mirror is a total sweetheart who is constantly forced into the position of being an asshole. I've recently told him that he doesn't have to be a dick with me, and why, and he's probably still processing this information.
We have not met in person, yet.
It might be a while.
Friends:
- RuneWolf - He's the OTHER PRIMAL - we had our cuddle date today!!!
In short, this is how it went:
[first sight] Nope, not my type.
[laying down, space between us] This will not ever lead to Primal sex of any kind, but the conversation is good.
[after a bit] Oh, I get it, this is meant to be 100% platonic. He's a cool guy, I'm cool with that.
[laying closer and some very lite touching] This is awesome, I'm really glad I met him.
As he was heading out he said it was really nice to just hang, and I finished his sentence by saying that the 'no pressure' was the best thing in the world.
I think he'll be around for a while. :)
We really connected a lot with various subjects. We're both writers, we're both magically inclined, we've both been directly involved with Gods...
He can see me.
It's cool.
:)
Reasons:
- Jaded - I would like to take this moment to point out the irony that she keeps tapping in, and I keep forgetting about her.
What. The. Actual. Fuck?
End Notes:
Spawn just showed up.
She brought pizza.
Best news I’ve had all day.
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