My heart is my own responsibility.

As much as I'm in full-on, completely twitterpated, absolute gush-mode over Ash right now, I do worry about the impact that's going to have on Jaded when she realizes that it only took me a week to move on and fall for someone else the way I'd fallen for her.

The intensity and depth are the same.

The way I can see Ash as beautiful in a world that's always told her that she's not.

The way I can fully embrace all of the qualities that make her unique. The same qualities that have gotten her rejected so much in her life, and yet, to me, those qualities are what makes her so stunningly gorgeous.

If I'm to believe the memes and Facebook status updates, that's the exact kind of love and acceptance that Jaded seeks to find, and that's the exact kind of love that I offered her. Over and over and over again. Every time someone broke her precious, fragile heart, I was there.

I was right there.

I felt her pain as strongly as I would feel my own. I cried for her. I got angry for her. I became protective of her. I reached out to her.

And I was invisible to her.

Lately, she's been posting shit about how no one has ever fought for her... but I did.

I did try to fight for her.

I got right up in her face and begged her to see me.

She told me I was pushing too hard, and then she pushed me away so hard that I still have bruises.

And yet, I still worry that it will hurt her when she realizes that I've moved on.

In her mind, this will read as my having given up on her as well. I'll be just like everyone else. I'll have left her.

I haven't, though.

Not really.

No bridges burned and open relationships are open for a reason.

It's just that the exalted positions of being my one true Alpha and the only woman that I’ll ever completely trust will have been passed on to Iron and Ash.

I'm not just going to lay crumpled in a corner with a thousand broken pieces of glass pushed up under my skin, bleeding and waiting for Jaded to notice me.

She didn't see me. She didn't want me.

I found people who did.

Yes, Zane and DIE! still count on Team Sweetie in there too, of course.

So, I guess I'm confused here.

Jaded is the one who pushed me away.

Why am I so fucking scared of hurting her?

"Stand up and treat her the way she deserves to be treated, or sit the fuck down and watch someone else do it for you."

Yeah, I'm putting that in my morning notes so I remember it as an affirmation.

The utterly selfless way that I loved Jaded had become toxic to me, and I have the right to reclaim that energy for my own mental health and wellbeing.

Ash appreciates me and all that I have to offer her. So, I'm perfectly within my rights to reinvest my love energies into her.

I guess Jaded's just going to have to eat it.

My heart is my own responsibility.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Writing -  Sooo... Ash has a Windows install disk... (bites lip) and she's bringing it with her. Yes, that means I could conceivably start working on Torvus again very soon.

Cuddles

 - Iron - & - Zane -  I did a quick tap with both of them this morning (like two seconds ago) just to nudge and send some long-distance cuddles. Just letting them both know that I'm still here too and I haven't forgotten about them either.

- Ash -  Her work is keeping her a bit busier today, so her responses are fewer and further between, but...oh yeah... we're still chatting and we both love it.

Seriously, if we don't reign it in a little bit, those 'I love you's' are going to start flying any second. And, still, I don't think she'd complain that we're moving too fast.

We both get super excited when the messenger bings. Any time mine sounds off I go all 'instant tummy flutter' for a second and my butt wiggles like I'm wagging my tail.

She's trying to work it out so that she can come to me sooner than next Friday. (smile) I guess I can't really blame her. The anticipation is killing me too.

I can't stop thinking about kissing her. Or feeling her hands on my skin.

(deep breaths)

I know that when I met Jaded, and she walked right past my walls, I swore that she was the only woman that I could love or trust like that, but I also said the same thing about her as my Alpha.

Iron was the first conversation I had after my Cuddle Call, and lamenting the loss of my Alpha was top on my mind. He filled that role effortlessly and better than Jaded did.

Ash was the last person to respond to my Cuddle Call, and for some reason, I had no issue with her identifying as a woman because I went right to her profile and saw that she described herself as gender fluid. I knew that if I opened up to her feminine side, I'd still have a safe place to retreat to with her.

I don't think Jaded was in my life to BE my Alpha, she was just there to wake up my submissive side and get me open to an Alpha.

I still believe that I'm not meant to be open to women (plural).

I still believe that my vulnerability and my trust are only meant for woman. Just one. Just one woman in all the world who I feel safe with.

I don't think Jaded was in my life to BE my woman, she was just there to wake up my vulnerable side and get me open to a woman.

Iron is my Alpha.

Ash is my woman.

I'm good with this.

End Notes:  

I changed my profile pic back to the Bubblegum Goth of total Twitterpation. (smirk)

I hashtagged it 'twitterpated' too.

I wonder how long it's going to take Ash to notice.

(wicked grin)

I'm going to send her naughty pictures later.