... a "Unicorn in my own right."

Things didn't work out yesterday/last night with Stasia and to be honest I don't really know what that means. I know she said she was busy, but I also feel like I need to prepare for the ghosting too.

No no, I'm not accusing her of any malice. Far from it. I'm just saying that yesterday I did a little solitary sex magick and I directed my intent on granting whatever was for her highest good, and look what happened. I didn't happen is what happened. So, it may be possible that I'm just not in Stasia's best interests at this time.

Sucks, but I'd rather she get what she really needs/deserves from life and that might not be me.

Or maybe she really was just overwhelmed/busy and we'll make an honest try of it again soon.

Either way, I'm just going to keep the lines of communication open. She still deserves love, compassion, friendship, trust, and acceptance for who she is - and dammit - I'm going to fucking give it to her.

...

However,

If things don't work out in the 'relationshipy' sense... if this leads to a tapering off in communication before I'm eventually cut off... then I still need to take a step back and examine the lesson.

In our brief time expressing interest in each other, what did I learn about myself from Stasia?

If she was only in my life long enough to teach me something, then what was it that was so important for me to gain from this?

... thinking ...

1) I have it confirmed now (because it's happened three times) that trans and otherwise non-binary, female leaning, individuals trigger a deep sense of Twitterpation in me. They don't trigger my PTSD, but they hit me really hard on the 'crush' button. So much so that they completely short-circuit me in person.

I still maintain the standpoint that I don't fetishize trans. No, this isn't that. It's not that trans women just automatically 'turn me on'.

No, this is different.

It's their inherent sense of feeling rejected by society for being who and what they are. Sometimes those rejections even become violent in their world. It's in the way that so many of them are forced to live a lie just to protect themselves.

I feel driven by this deep need to connect with them on their level and to accept and love them as who they are for being themselves. I want to embrace their divine feminine and truly worship it within them.

I want to engage in a beautiful girl/girl relationship and make someone feel awesome for being a true girl on the inside and trying to pull that out onto the outside.

And I guess that leads me to ...

2) My ability to engage in a girl/girl relationship with a trans or otherwise non-binary, female leaning individual.

I'm especially rare in the case of trans lesbians... a cis female who can be fem/fem with a trans woman.

Stasia told me that I'm definitely a "Unicorn in my own right."

So, yeah...

That's a major take away.

I have something very special to bring into the right girls life.

Now I just have to find the right girl who will let me.  

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Sleeping is getting a bit easier, but only just a bit. Still have a long way to go.

- Spoons -   - Writing - I’m starting to feel Ghost. I have a thing this morning, though. Hopefully he’s still there once I’m done with it.

 

- #YarnSlut -  Feeling a twinge or two here too.

Family:

- Spawn -  I’m getting TONS of updates on the puppy. I hope I get to meet the little critter soon.

Cuddles

 - Iron -  The lines of communication are still very open here too, which make me insanely happy. I have total faith that we'll have the opportunity to engage in play at some point. I don't know what kind of relationship status that will lead to with Iron as my Alpha, but I am hopeful.

Or... if it's not meant to be him... maybe he knows who my true Alpha is and there's to be an introduction at some point? (Ghost Story material)

- DIE! -  We’re still on for tonight.

- Stasia -  I’m going to let this sit for a few days before I attempt to tap in again.

- Tristan -  Definitely need to make sure I check on him.

- TCN:Kaden -  Fucking love the conversations here!! Really looking forward to Thursday.

Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized I’m dissociating again, there are five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]

This weekend was rough for the voices... lots of emotional conflict going on.

- Warrior:Sarah -  It took a really long time for her to assert herself yesterday. So much panic had set in.

- Healer:Anne -  Same here, getting into that Goddess mode seemed to take forever, there was a lot of meditation that needed to happen to pull her to the surface.

- Creative:Code Monkey -  Later, when it was clear things weren't going to work out, we started thinking about Ghost. How can we manifest this into a narrative to grant the internal wishes? How can we get creative with this? We have two story ideas already.

- Reticent:Alice -  Yeah, she was going batshit fucking crazy with her fucking fear of rejection yesterday. I think we forgot that we demanded Ascended Lovers from the cosmic forces.

- Child:AppleSeed -  As long as she has her nest to cuddle into, she's happy.

So... Ascended Lovers.

Need that as a take away too.

End Notes:  

A lot of this is suddenly pulling back to some very heavy-handed reminders that I need to be seen, heard, and validated as a whole being. I need my Goddess recognized, and now it appears that I have embraced myself as a bit of a Unicorn as well.

Don't get me wrong. Stasia is fucking gorgeous beyond compare... but maybe she's not the one for me at this time.

Maybe my own unicorn is still out there.

Maybe the girl who needs me the most is still waiting for me to find her?

...

(deep breaths)

Just hold on a little while longer, my love.

I'm coming for you.