There's so much about myself that I don't know, yet.

If any of you have read Claimed, then you really know that I'm no ordinary submissive.

In fact, there are often times when I feel that I don't deserve to be considered a submissive at all. The conditions of my surrender are so specific and they're not something that just any Dom/me is capable of bringing about in me.

When I was in the scene 20 years ago, this was grounds for dismissal by pretty much any Dom I encountered (no /me there - I wasn't into Dominant femmes at all back then). Just trying to get a Dom to understand my needs and how to unlock my submissive side was enough to get me labeled as someone who 'topped from the bottom' and I never really found anyone I trusted enough to fully 'let go' with.

Looking back, I realize that this was not something that was wrong with me. It was something that was wrong with them. Something that was wrong with the scene as a whole.

Now that I'm exploring again, and I see how much the scene has evolved, and I realize just how far ahead of my time I was.

Back then, Primal wasn't even a thing and using BDSM as a tool to overcome trauma was most certainly not even close to being a thing. NOW? Those things are pretty much the Gold Standard!

I can actually trust people now!

I mean, what the fuck?

Who knew?

I'm still playing it close and careful, though, and I'm sure Karma and Godsends have had their own roles to play here too.

Jaded woke me up, and she's familiar with trauma, but she might have been a bit too kink/fetish for me. I still can’t surrender to a cis female, but Jaded showed me that Trans women don’t trigger my PTSD at all and I would have been happy to have been hers. I mean, if we could have worked out my kink/fetish issues, that is.

Iron... fuck yes... I still want this very much, but I don't really think he has the time to 'teach' me anything. If we ever get involved, I think he'd appreciate being able to just jump in and know that I understand myself and my needs enough to give him some pointers on things I'd love to experience with him.

And, of course, that brings us to Drogo.

Soooo very skilled at using BDSM to overcome trauma and definitely has the patience, will, desire, intent, and follow through to be a good Mentor. He WANTS to peel back my layers.

He's the perfect person to do it too.

There's so much about myself that I don't know, yet.

And I just can't think of a better person to show me to myself other than him.

It seems we both need this… every single, tiny little part of me is awake and alive and screaming to touch him and to be touched by him.

omfg... want… need… must have… now… now now now… shhhhhhh…. soon.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Spoons -  I absolutely fucking HAVE to clean the living room and vacuum the floors today. Inspections tomorrow. FFS. At least that was finally the right motivation to deal with the hollow disaster that Bran left in his wake.

- Writing -  I keep getting caught up in conversations and letting them overtake my time/ability to write. So, I need to stop that shit. I want to finish my Hunter story so I have something to present Valkyrie with tomorrow.

Physical Health / Self-Care:

- Blood Sugar -  I unpacked and used my new glucometer today and my blood sugar was high. (exasperated sigh) - which means I have to sit the fuck down, read the instructions and calibrate the fucking thing. And set the time on the fucking clock. - Fuck - it's Adulting. Adulting I don't have time for today. So... meh!

Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

This whole area's been blank for a bit because of the lack of return dates. But, fuck, I've got a LOT of potentials waiting to fill up first and second date slots.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Stasia - I ran into her online dating profile last night. And I sent her a message just to say 'hi', but I don't expect anything to come of it. I found out two things about her during the read of that profile that made me realize that we're actually incompatible as partners.

(sigh) Big whopping serving of 'Crush-be-Gone'!

It's nothing bad. She's still fucking gorgeous and wonderful and I think she'd make a delicious cuddle buddy, but I don't even think that we’d make good sex or play partners. I'm pretty sure that I'm not what she needs.

So... let it go.

She opened me up to my Pansexuality... and I guess we can just leave it at that.

 - Drogo - I strongly doubt we're going to get into anything BDSM related today.

Today is more of a cuddle, touch, talk, get to know each other, and fuck in a way that will definitely bring some D/s elements into the mix, but mostly he's just feeling me out.

It's still his decision on whether or not he will Mentor me.

Fuck.

I'm a knot of anxiety.

I'm scared to death that he won't like me.

 - Brodie - We still need to reschedule, but we're still chatty, so... it'll happen.

 - Alpha-cub - I'm pretty fucking excited about Thursday... I know that Alpha-cub and I are going to enjoy each other.

However, I'm also going to admit to a certain level of disheartening here too.

Today I feel the need for a partner... or at least someone who will give me a regular date day/night.

So far, the only person who has been willing to commit to me has been Nolan, which is totally fucking AMAZING!!

I just want someone (with a penis [sorry vaginas!]) to commit where there's some really really rough sex involved too.

Alpha-cub sounds like he'd be great for that... but, I have a feeling that this will be just another one-off. (sad face)

 - TCN:Kobe - I haven't heard a thing since our chat... I wonder if I should poke him?

 - TCN:Kara - I pinged her on an online dating site a week or so ago, give or take. She's a very lovely trans woman. She actually started chatting with me over the weekend and expressing some interest in me (MUCH TO MY SURPRISE!! EEEEE!!) - we have put a cuddle date in the works but have yet to settle on an exact date/time, yet.

 - TCN:Hanna - I swear by the old gods and the new, that absolutely no guy I've ever expressed interest in has had a female partner that I've gotten along with, including my own husband.

Women fucking hate me.

So, try to imagine my level of sheer panic when Drogo's partner messaged me out of the blue and started trying to get to know me.

OMFG!!! (stomach knots and heart racing)

Enter Nolan, that amazing mother-fucking godsend of a handsome devil, who has not only a) been Drogo's protege, but also knows the skinny on Hanna.

Oh, yeah! Did I forget to make that connection clear?

Hanna is Drogo's mate.

I know, I know, I should have named her Danny, but in this situation, I'm actually the one I identify more with Danny because of how much of me Drogo will very likely be unlocking.

ANYWAY...

According to Nolan, Hanna is super fucking sweet and very Kitchen Table Poly.

And she just happened to chat me up and get bold enough to tell me that she thinks I'm 'cute'. <3 -- so, absolutely, unbelievably, and incredibly unexpected... but not in any way unwelcome.

We've already set the date for our cuddle.

OMFG!!!

I'm going to cuddle the partner of the guy who might very well be my Mentor after today?!?!!?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!!?!?!?!

Seriously, could my life get any fucking sweeter?

<3 <3 <3

Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized that I’m dissociating again. So, there are five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]

There really has not been a whole lot of emotional conflict lately. I still have the occasional angry conversation with Bran in my head, but even that stuff is starting to resolve as I become less and less under the mercy of my abandonment issues. Not to mention my growing abilities to just let shit go.

With everyone else, this is going great.

With Bran, it's still a bit of a struggle.

I think there's just too much history there for me to just give up and let go as easily as I can with the others.

There's also the one foot in, one foot out, where I'm still not even sure if he wants a future with me or not.

If he wants it, he has it, no questions.

But if he doesn't... I guess I won't be surprised either.

With all of his reset and all of my evolution, he may decide that we've just grown too far apart to make it work anymore.

(shrug)

It's so useless to speculate on this... I don't know what's going to happen at all.

End Notes:  

Yeah… fuck… vacuuming.

Bite me.