These are not bad lessons to learn.

Yes, I did end up taking yesterday off in terms of Snuggles.

Although, it kinda seems like everyone else did too. Or, at least they took the day off from me. A few people chatted minimally, but I kinda feel just a little bit ghosted.

Which is messed up because people have lives. I get that.

I ended up binging Bates Motel and scanning a little bit more artwork.

It wasn't all dead, though. An acquaintance from the poly community that I knew about 9-10 years ago had responded to my Cuddle Call. So, a portion of the day was lite chitter chatter with TCN:Kaden. His schedule is a bit full, but we planned out a Cuddle Date in about a week.

It's going to be interesting to see where that one lands.

I pinged TCN:Shaw twice and got zero response. So, THAT'S annoying as fuck. I really felt a connection there and it would be so unbelievably sad if he turned out to just be a hookup. I deserve way better than being a hookup.

So, that leaves me with 'what did you learn?' if that's all it was.

If TCN:Shaw was only in my life for one night, did I learn anything from that?

I guess, emotionally, I learned a reinforcement of what I had just learned with Tristan earlier that day. I learned that my Virgin Goddess mode does enjoy inflicting pleasure and I can be very satisfied by satisfying someone else.

That's actually a pretty important lesson, considering where I was with things just two weeks ago when I cuddled with Iron. I was in so much fucking pain.

During my dates with DIE!, Iron, and Zane I needed to be deep in 'dedicated receiver' mode. Like Iron said, I was still bleeding out on the table.

Iron removed a lot of emotional shrapnel from me. I think that was reinforced by my cuddle with Zane.

Since then... I mean, a week later I was at 'I love you' with Ash.

I hesitate to say that I'm healed. I know I've still got a lot of damage to work through, but I can tell that I've reached that baseline where I'm really okay with the fact that I'm not okay. I'm desensitized enough to my own trauma that I can just get up and fly on broken wings.

So, Ash taught me that I can still love.

Tristan and TCN:Shaw taught me that I can still give.

These are not bad lessons to learn.

(sigh)

I guess I'm just sad that no one has reached the 'Sweetie' level with me, yet. So far I've had a lot of first dates and then a lot of dead space with those people after where I'm still in contact, but it's not at the same extent of communication that we were at before our date.

So, again then, that pulls back to 'what am I learning?'

Each person has brought something different and wonderful to the table, but so far none of these relationships have graduated.

I guess... let them come and then let them go?

It's entirely possible that all of these flings are there to help me with my fear of abandonment? That learning to love and then let go is still healthy and not as damaging to me now as it was with the year of hookups.

(sigh)

I don't know.

I guess it still hurts anyway, you know?

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Spoons -  Today's going to suck in terms of energy levels. I did go to bed at a bit more of a decent time last night and I seem to have slept okay. At the very least, I didn't cry myself to sleep, so that's a good thing.

This morning, in about an hour, I leave to head down to the Social Security office to notify them of my name change.

So, I'm awake two hours early.

I forgot to set an alarm.

I still got up right when I needed to get up. (interesting)

There might be a good time/space for a nap later before I have to get ready to go out tonight. I have that social gathering.  :) This would also, technically, be my second date with Zane even if we don't end up cuddling.

I guess I'm just hopeful that this whole socializing thing isn't a disaster tonight.

It's been a while.

Cuddles

 - Iron -  He's got a lot going on, but we're still in contact.

- Zane -  Tonight!

- DIE! -  T-minus three days to second date (hopefully, he won’t cancel again)

- Stasia -  Slight chance that she might show up tonight... which would be sweet... otherwise, T-minus two days to first date.

- Tristan -  He's also confirmed on the guest list to be there tonight... I hope that results in a decent hug/kiss if he does show up. I really need to be the object in a public display of affection. It would be nice to feel 'valued' and 'validated' by someone not being shy about us.

- TCN:Shaw -  I'm not expecting much. Which does still hurt... but if it was just a lesson, then I have to move on to the next person and help/be helped by them.

End Notes:  

So... I guess I'm at 'it still sucks to be a one-time-thing', but if I can form my emotional attachments to the lessons instead of the people, then it's easier to let go and just step forward into the next brief relationship.

It hurts.

But, I'm managing, I guess.