But, it's still lonely here...

I woke up very depressed today.

To be honest, I'm still trying to shake it off.

I'm caught deep in this loop of feeling invisible and like I don't matter to anyone. I feel like I don't make enough of an impact in anyone's life that they would shift things around enough to make room for me.

I feel like an option.

A second thought... sometimes only tertiary at best.

I guess you could even say that I feel unwanted, and who could really blame me? After the way that everyone left me in May, who wouldn't feel discarded?

Some days it just takes so much work to remind myself that I only didn't matter to the people who left me and that I'm working on a new support network now and those take time to build. It hasn't even been a month. I haven't proven myself to be indispensable to anyone, yet.

I think these emotions are a natural part of my grieving process, but I'm also letting go and purifying myself of anything I once was with anyone who used to matter that much to me.

I'm reclaiming my divinity, and that comes with its own strange perks.

Right away, I drew Iron to me, who helped in several ways, but one, in particular, was when he realigned my kundalini chakra.

Yeah... it took me a bit to make the connection between that, my divinity, and what my body is doing to purify its energy and reclaim itself right now.

I've pretty much been bleeding for two weeks straight.

I realize, now, that everything is leaving me. I'm being hollowed out for something new and I'm not entirely sure of what that is, I just know that it will be good.

This is a very physical manifestation of Goddess the Fuck Up! I can live with that.

So, in that reclaiming of my divinity. In that rededication to myself as an ascended, self-aware Goddess, doesn't it make sense then? This being invisible thing?

It's the same reason Jaded can't see me.

It's the reason a LOT of people aren't going to be able to see me.

Being ascended has its own set of consequences and one of them is loneliness.

Only someone similarly self-aware of their own divinity, like Iron, like DIE!, would be able to see who and what I really am.

So, of course, I don't mean much to anyone on this plane of existence. But, Iron was kind enough to point out just how surrounded I am by non-corporeals who love the fuck out of me and are deeply concerned for me right now.

They have no trouble seeing the Goddess because when it comes to me, that's all they know. They're often baffled by how much my earth life is falling apart when what they know of me is so powerful and in control.

(sigh)

It's a good reminder, to know that they're there for me, always.

But, it's still lonely here...

... you know?

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Spoons -  Pffft! Hopefully, I'll at least vacuum today, or soonish. Kitchen floor is a mess too... and don't even get me started on how grody the microwave is right now.

Cuddles

- Stasia -  If I'm really fucking lucky... she'll be here in about six hours.

Oh, fuck... there goes my anxiety again!

- TCN:Kaden -  You know, I honestly can't remember if I've mentioned Kaden yet or not.

It's an interesting story.

We were acquaintances in the local poly community about 9-10 years ago. I was just barely out of my relationship with JerkDad. Things were rocky with Bran because of some other woman he was entangled with. I was only just barely treated for my Borderline.

Kaden was dealing with his own mess of problems too. He wasn't at his best, I don't think that anyone could deny that, but I wasn't at my best either. We were both trying. I can definitely say that about us.

Things got a little messy for Kaden with the local poly's and he ended up on the ass end of a fuck-ton of vilification. And I don't remember how, or why, but I reached out to Kaden and I got his side of things.

Kaden remembers this vividly. I'm sad to admit that I do not, but I know me. I know that I've always been a healer and a creature of compassion. I know I would have wanted him to feel 'not alone' and 'heard'. I know that's something I would do.

Kaden just recently resurfaced in my life when he responded to my Cuddle Call. He didn't recognize me at first (different name), but he was sure we might know each other because of how many mutual friends we had with the local polys.

Now, I've come to learn just how much that one simple act of kindness meant to him all those years ago. I've come to learn how much I mean to him now as a reminder of that dark past and me being one of the few bright spots that made a difference in his being able to survive it.

So... you see?

Not invisible.

Sometimes the people you least expect to see you are the ones with the widest eyes. Sometimes it can take years to learn when you've had an impact on someone's life.

Sometimes it just takes a while to find out that you matter to someone.

...

Kaden and I are snuggling this coming Thursday and that should be interesting. I've started to share a bit about my preferences for Dominant men.

It will be very interesting to see what he does with that information.

Friends:

 - Sawyer -  He checked in yesterday to ask about the poly thing. It was good to talk to him. I do miss him. I wish we would have had more time to cuddle before he left.

End Notes:  

I'm still having trouble shaking it.

I want to matter to someone NOW.

What I really want is someone who's as unattached as I am relationship-wise, who could/would claim me.

I know that seems silly. I've only been tangentially 'single' again for about a month... but you have to understand. Bran really left me two years ago.

He refused to claim me then, and he's refusing to claim me now.

Jaded, as well, she sorta claimed me and then that died on the vine. And that's been going on for months...

So, even though those relationships only ended (less than) a month ago, I still feel like I've gone 'unclaimed' for a lot longer.

I guess that's just where I am with things... needing someone with enough relationship/life freedom to give me the level of attention I need... and enough possessiveness to grip my hair in a tender fist while the word 'mine' is softly growled in my ear.

That's not too much to ask...

... is it?