My girl is out there.

And it's just been one of those days where I've been going so non-stop that I'm only just now getting to the blog entry, 12-hours later than normal.

After being stood up by Stasia on Sunday, I chatted with TCN:Kaden most of the day yesterday, waiting until the early evening when DIE! was due for our cuddle date, and then he stood me up too.

Um... okay...

So, do you think that slowed me down?

Fuck no.

Goddess the Fuck Up.

Nothing stops me anymore. (And I'm fucking loving that about this newly evolved me!)

I wound up staying up until 5 in the morning working on my OKC and Fet profiles. Then, just now I got a new Cuddle Comfort profile up.

I even met with someone from Fet already today. I don't know if it will evolve into anything, but the man knows how to give a very hot, sensual massage and he has one hell of an impressive cum arc. (I finished him off by hand)

I've opened a dialog with someone who is a leader in the local Primal community, so I'm really hopeful that I will see some movement there. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I doubt Iron as my Alpha, and I would LOVE for Iron to claim me as his. It's just that I'm being realistic about the fact that he might not and I'm keeping my options open to the possibilities of an Alpha who can devote more of his time to me.

Stasia as well. As much as I'm relentlessly attracted to her, she seems to busy to really devote much to me in the relationship sense. I would still love to play with her, but she's already so busy and in a relationship.

I want to be a girlfriend.

I want to be the Unicorn in some well deserving Trans/Non-Binary MtF leaning girls life.

I want to be the girl who can fully immerse herself in a girl/girl relationship with someone who wasn't born a girl.

I want to embrace someone who's felt that side of her only being rejected by women.

I want to be special to someone.

I don't think I'm that girl for Stasia.

So, I emotionally attach to the lesson I learned from knowing her instead of what I wanted my relationship to be with her.

Stasia was the one who confirmed my awakening as a Pansexual.

She's also the one who alerted me to my 'Unicorn' like status in the trans community. The Cis-Female who can love a Trans, or otherwise non-binary, female leaning, woman.

I think I have a bit of an affinity for GenderFluid individuals.

I think I can blame Ash for that.

I think that my ability to take someone born male, who experiences the confusion and rejection of gender fluidity... (warm sigh).

Fuck yes.

That's the kind of girl I would love to love.

So, now I've opened myself up on all channels. I have the Facebook Poly's, but I also have Dating, Kink, and Cuddles covered too.

My girl is out there.

I'm looking forward to finding her.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Today was the first chance I had to share with Valkyrie my revelation about shifting my emotional attachments to the reasons why someone came into my life and then exited.

Clarification:

People come into our lives for a reason, and that reason isn't always to stay.

I get seriously emotionally attached to people. So, it's a huge abandonment issue thing when they have to leave me.

But, if I can shift my emotional attachment off of the person and onto the reason, then that love is still there. It's still just as profound. It's still serving me.

She didn't really have the opportunity to speak to it... but I could tell by the expression on her face that she was fucking impressed as hell with me on that one.

I'm not going to go and say that my abandonment issues have been cured or anything as radical as that. It's just that I've got one more coping tool in my box that's helping me a lot right now.

- Spoons -  I actually still have to properly put groceries away.

- Writing -  Part of the problem here is that my life keeps evolving too fast for the fantasy of the Ghost Story to help me with anything. Still, I do have two ideas. One for an Alpha and one for a Girlfriend.

Cuddles

 - Iron -  I’ll keep you posted.

- Zane -  Chatting with him now.

- DIE! -  I’ll check in on him in a bit.

- Stasia -  I dropped her a message, but she hasn’t even seen it. Still hopeful.

- Tristan - Mmmmm, purrrr...

We had a chance to discuss a little bit more of his needs today... I definitely have some material to work with.

I have some fantasies I'd love to fulfill for him.

- TCN:Kaden -  We're one day closer!! I love talking to him. I can't wait to see how this develops or what it's going to develop into.

Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized I’m dissociating again, so these are the five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]

Valkyrie and I ended up talking about Bran, and she noticed the dramatic shift when I went from Alice (reticent) to SarahA/Anne (warrior/healer). She's been made aware of the constant war in my head when it comes to Bran. Jaded too.

There's not a whole lot I can do about either of them. Without closure... Without my ability to close off my love for either of them... This is just the way it is.

The only thing I can really do is hope to find the relationships that will fill in those missing pieces.

Until then, it just is what it is.

End Notes:  

I have like 20 conversations going.

I still need to put groceries away!!

I've got to go!

Love to you all!!