She's given me something new to think about.

I don't know yet if I'll write another blog post in the morning. It seems kind of silly now because it's already after midnight and I have thoughts on my mind.

It's just that the blog is such a part of my morning ritual that I'm sure I'll end up writing something, so maybe I'll save the 'across the board' update for then and just focus on what I'm really thinking about right now.

I'm really thinking about Ash.

I chatted with her all day today. Even though she was at work and even though she had family duties after when she was home... our conversation just kept growing and unfolding.

It's so organic with her. 

We transition from one subject to the next... most of it involving me trusting her with more of my truth and how fucked up I am, but none of it has scared her away yet. 

As the day progressed, we went from bashfully confessing to a wee bit of twitterpation, to revealing that we haven't stopped thinking about each other, to eventually admitting that 'wee bit' just didn't apply anymore.

We're twitterpated.

She makes me feel so safe when she tells me that she doesn't think we're moving too fast.

I've told her about my Borderline Personality Disorder and about my recently shredded heart. She took it all in. 

She seems quite capable of loving me even though I come with a lot of wounds, baggage, and scars. 

I think it's because she's not without her battle bruises either.

She lives in a very harsh environment that I can't even begin to fathom. The complexities of what happens inside her, I get, but the rudeness and the violence in the way that people can't relate to her. The severity of the rejection she's had to endure for holding onto her truth...

She's so fucking brave.

I fucking love that about her.

I want to make it clear that I absolutely do not fetishize trans women. I really love women (I mean, kinda) I think women are beautiful creatures with bodies that deserve to be worshiped.

And yet, all three of the women I've loved in my lifetime have been trans. I don't love them because they're trans, but the kind of bravery and sensuality that they emit due to the trans always becomes something that I admire greatly about them. 

Now, Ash is different in the sense that she's not trans at all. She's gender fluid. At any given moment she could identify as male, female, both, or neither. And it's just as confusing for her as it is for others who are trying to relate to her.

And yet, she does not hide this from the world.

She exists, and spins, trying to figure it all out.

Fucking hell... 

          ... that is excruciatingly beautiful.

So, this thing that's been the biggest roadblock in her finding meaningful relationships or even just respectful friendships... it just happens to be the same thing that has me in absolute awe of her.

More to the point, I get it. The way her gender can shift isn't that different from the way that my voices can shift. So, I fucking get it and it's gorgeous to me.

And the fact that I'm a cis gendered female who can fully accept her 'as is', well... undoubtedly it's a huge factor in how hard she's falling for me.

Add in the mutual appreciation. The sense of her appreciating how much I can appreciate her. How accepting her unconditionally makes her smile so wide and that smile just sets me off on a whole new tangent of how beautiful and alluring she is... 

We're just feeding off each other right now, and I love it.

(warm sigh)

(deep breath)

I told her about Jaded too.

Not a lot of detail but just letting her know that I was shredded only a little over a week ago.

I've told her a lot about my wounds, actually.

But, every time I've also followed it by telling her that I don't need anything from her. Yes, I'm ripped to pieces right now, but all I really need is for her to keep me company while I stitch myself back together and she's perfectly FINE with this arrangement.

She's a part of Team Sweetie right now.

She's my blue lion.

She's giving me an anchor point. A leg to stand on. And she definitely has a princess inside her, lol. 

I can't wait to be with her.

I can't wait to hold her, run my fingertips over her surface, smell her skin, and taste her sweet lips.

It's going to be so hard waiting until next Friday for her, but she's worth it, and she's coming for me.

She's one more person who's going to keep her promise and actually be there.

(warm sigh)

She's given me something new to think about.

Now, when I close my eyes, I'm with her...

          ... I think I might actually try to go to bed soon here...

                    ... I just need to get some food in me.