I gotta tell ya, it's the weirdest fucking thing in the world to be experiencing boundary issues again.
I haven't had boundary issues like this since I was in my late teens, early 20's and I was just beginning to become sexually active. Back then? It was my fear of men. Courtesy of my childhood traumas. Hell, my first real relationship was with a cross-dresser who later turned out to be trans.
Yeah... so, even back then, trans women didn't trigger my PTSD.
Thank you introspection. Now, kindly fuck off.
So, boundary issues.
This just hasn't been who I am for so long that I forgot what it felt like to have trauma affect me like this.
I mean, if anything, my current state of mind with amab's* and males, in general, is the exact opposite of boundary issues. I'm starting to let go of the stigma and proudly admit that I'm a Con/Non-Con girl. So, you get me around something with a penis and I'll give consent once.
I should only have to give consent once.
And then I don't ever want to have to give consent again.
If I have a boundary anywhere in there, I probably want it pushed. And the usual stuff like pinning me down and fucking me so hard my throat goes dry from all the screaming... oh, hell yeah, I'm totally there!
Boundary issues... not so much an issue...
... until this...
... the 'what the fuckery' abounds.
I'm still struggling so hard with this end of the spectrum when it comes to my newly awakened Pansexuality.
Afab's** are still so triggering.
That fucking bitch really did do a number on me two years ago. First it was anything with tits until Jaded showed me that trans women don't trigger my PTSD... but this is the second time in the last few weeks that an afab has approached me and challenged me to confront my fears.
Yeah, I know, Brookie really wanted to be the one to help me overcome those issues, but the energy was just off. It didn't feel right and I had to maintain my boundaries to protect my energy when it came to her.
Hannah-Cat, on the other hand... well she nudges in around the edges and makes me flirt with the idea that the right afab could potentially help me heal my PTSD.
(smirk) One breath of that and my sweet little Hannah-Cat is jumping up and down with her hand in the air, shouting "OH, ME! Pick Me! Me me me!!"... lol... she's SO fucking adorable! I love the hell outta her.
And I find myself wanting her, and wanting this, and knowing that somehow she just feels right. Like we already belong to each other too.
Yet, still, the boundary issues...
Like how aware I am that she is very sexually attracted to me, and how I am sooooo not ready to go there yet. Boob friendly I could probably handle in terms of the skin-on-skin contact... more than that will likely have to wait.
I feel the most intense desires to kiss her... forehead, neck just below the ear... spooning up behind her and getting her from behind all along her shoulder up to her hairline...
Lips, though? I freak the fuck out.
For
Fuck's
Sake
This is messed up.
Thankfully, she gets it, and she's promised to go easy on me.
And, come on, you know me!
Since when has there ever been a challenge like this that I haven't been up for?
I set 'em up and then I knock 'em right the fuck back down!
This kind of shit never controls me for long.
So, come on, Triggers.
Do your worst
(grabs the blowtorch)
I'm coming for you.
-----
*amab = assigned male at birth
** afab = assigned female at birth
[these are the socially acceptable ways to regard transgendered individuals factory settings]
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - (nods) Yeah, it was one of those sessions where it took almost the full hour just to fill her in on the details, but in truth, with the 4 high-level epiphany/revelations, I had on my own last week? We didn't need to do any work. I've been doing it on my own. All she needed to do was be impressed as hell with me.
She fucking loves me. :)
- Spoons - I need to scramble a little bit. I have an excuse to need a shower before heading off today. (smirk)
- Writing - I was FINALLY disciplined enough to get part 3 of my Primal Wolf Fantasy written... Um... still all foreplay... Each part is about 1,200 words long... so that means we're roughly 3.5K in and I still haven't gotten to the sex?
I also pulled in some of my date with Drogo. (smirk)
Three cheers for 'oh fuck' buttons. (winx)
Physical Health / Self-Care:
I'm going in for my full STD screening today. Including the very invasive PAP because I want to rule out HPV as well. I'm totally clear as of my last colposcopy, but I want to check again just to be extra safe.
Family:
- Spawn - Let's hear it for national holidays and birthday weeks! - I get the Spawn for massive extra time!! We'll be doing fireworks with Elliot and Brielle, so, that will be awesome. (squee) She also gets to meet Nolan and hopefully some other friends from the Poly community too.
SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR THAT!!
Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Team Sweetie -
- Iron - I fucking love it when he taps in just enough to let me know that he's still there and thinking fondly of me. It's hard to believe it's been like a month already since our first/last/only date... and how fucking broken I was.
Iron set a LOT in motion. He talked a lot about my wounds, what he saw, what he felt, and what he wanted to help me overcome, and I thought he was going to be taking a very active role in that healing process.
Nope.
Turns out, he was just there to call my attention to what needed fixing and the rest was up to me. I've been handling it just fine on my own... right down to solving my abandonment issues... which is fucking saying a lot because, HELLO! Borderline!!
I have our Facebook emoji set to a gray wolf head... and that popped up this morning. Then it was just a pleasant how are you, good, how are you, less stressed, that's good, I need coffee, so do I... and fade to black.
Nothing serious.
Just him letting me know that he's still there and that somewhere on whatever back burner he has me on, he's still Team Sweetie.
- People -
- Nolan - I fucking miss my guy!!
Why isn't it Monday yet?!
We were scheduled for another Revenge binge, but now I've been blessed with extra Spawn time. So, she'll get to come with and she'll probably suggest an Anime for us. LOL LOL LOL and THEN she and I will stay for Game Night!!
Which will be awesome!
She will meet more of my friends.
She will see mom happy.
She will see mom social.
She will be pleased to know that my life is in much better working order.
All thanks to my adorable Nolan.
Srsly, what would I do without him?
- Drogo - FFFUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK!!!!!
I miss the hell out of him too. (pout)
(pout) (pout) (pout) (pout) (pout)
It is going to be really fucking rough only seeing him every other week like this... and yet, I remember having that exact arrangement with Set, and we worked that out just fine.
I was fucking in love as hell with Set... and I was okay with every other week.
So, I need to reign this the fuck in and suck it the hell up.
But... argh... dayum... want... (squirm)
Fuck.
Suck it up, Sarah Anne.
Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Alpha-cub - Oh, yeah... and don't even get me started on this hottie.
Why isn't it tomorrow yet?!
Alpha-cub is so so so so so full of promise. I'm not going to lie, he's set the expectations pretty high, and that's usually a bad idea.
One is supposed to go into something like this with no expectations so that everything is a welcome surprise. Yet, this powerfully gorgeous thing has been relentlessly teasing me with his words and telling me all the naughty shit he wants to do to me.
Oh, fuck!
You know what I literally JUST NOW realized?
(dryly) I've met my fucking match.
I've met someone with the power of prose and who has the skills with the weapons of words like I do.
(shakes fist at Karma) Fuck you!
That's just not playing fair.
How dare the gods send me someone who can totally fucking beat me at my own game?
(smirk)
This is going to be so much fun.
- TCN:Nelson - This may very well be the last you hear from me on Nelson. To recap, I found him on the local Primal group on Fet that's been inactive for like two years and I hunted the fucker down. Here's a summary of our contact so far.
Me: [first contact] Hey, you're a healer, that's cool. I am too and I kind of need healers right now.
Him: Actually, I'm an asshole, everyone hates me.
Me: Ouch, sounds like you're the one in more need of a healer?
Him: I just seem to be the kind of person who always has a target painted on his back. People either hate me or try to save me, leave me alone!
Me: I meditated on that. Seems as if you're on your hero's journey. I am too. Here's where I am in my process and why I don't want to walk my path alone right now. It seems as if you really want to be alone, that's cool, I can respect that. But, if you ever need to not be alone, I'll walk at your side.
Him: I need time to think about what you just said, but thanks :)
Me: ...
Him: Okay, I thought about it and I still have no clue what to say other than thank you.
Me: Wait, so you're speechless?
.... (crickets)
(EPIC FUCKING EXASPERATED SIGH)
Fucking seriously, this is like the third one.
Is it really too much to ask of fucking self-identified Primals to be, oh, I don't fucking know... PRIMAL?!?!?!?
What the fuck is up with this wishy-washy bullshit!
WHERE THE HELL IS MY FUCKING ALPHA WOLF?!
(grump)
Or has it really been Iron this whole time and I'm just fooling myself into thinking that there's another Primal out there for me?
(crying now)
Is that my fate on this one?
My Alpha is always going to be too busy or too stressed or too even more busy for me?
This fucking sucks.
- Hannah-Cat - Okay, I need to pull my ass out of the dark funk I just put myself in...
... so here's the good news.
My precious little Hannah-Cat has today off. :) :) :) <3 <3 <3
She's going to try to come see me after my thing today.
I already told you where I am with her, my boundary issues, and my desires to face them with her.
She really was the one who opened me up to the idea that the right girl could help me. So, it just seems fitting that she should be the person who gets the first crack at that shell.
More to the point, I really want it to be her.
The energy that comes off her in waves just feels right. It seems to mesh perfectly with mine, and she definitely needs a protector too. Her love is so selfless. Her natural instinct is to give and give and give while reserving nothing for her own emotional emergencies.
Yet, she's doing remarkably well and staying stable on her own with minimal interference from any higher authority. She's much stronger than she gives herself credit for. She just needs a guide to show her how to consciously use that strength and take advantage of her natural gifts.
You know the rule.
Balance in all things.
Always.
Always the balance, in ALL things.
I can't let her help me with my PTSD without giving her something of equal value back.
Showing my cute little kitten that she's totally capable of going full beast-mode?
Fuck yeah...
... in a heartbeat.
---
Oh, and also, SQUEE!!
I might get to see her today!!
Reasons:
- Jaded - (wince) She's back to the disturbing profile pictures that indicate she is unwell in matters of the heart... again...
(shrug)
Not my problem.
End Notes:
I really need to wrap this the fuck up if I'm going to get in that shower.
-----
Edit: I was just coming back from heating up breakfast, and I was musing over the significant lack of Primals who are actually primal... and one of Iron's songs was playing on my Spotify.
Thank you, Radiomancy.
Message received, loud and clear.
I'll stop looking elsewhere and just wait for him.
(sad sigh)
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