I can't really say that I was unprepared for how good it was going to feel to be in Drogo's arms. My distance empathy has been getting stronger, I think.
I know for sure that I could definitely feel Drogo’s energy before yesterday. Of course, Nolan's ecstatic endorsement helped... but I really was already Drogo's to claim even before Nolan told me to just go for it.
Being with him definitely solidified that bond, though. A well it should have.
Yet, how can I even put into words what he makes me feel? How do I convey this rush of emotions?
I am claimed.
I belong to someone now.
Someone actually fucking claimed me!
I have left myself open for others to claim… but Drogo is the first person to actually answer the call.
He left his marks on my throat, he gripped my hair tightly and whispered the word 'mine' in my ear as many times as I needed to hear it before I finally stopped my convulsive writhing over the word.
He's agreed to be my BDSM Mentor and to be the first person EVER to go public with a relationship status regarding me. That's something that not even Bran was willing to do. It's already on Fet that I'm being Mentored by him. (shock) It’s on Fet. It’s out there in the open. I have a Mentor now.
Still... even just the thought.
I can be somewhere in public and hold my head high.
Someone actually finally gives a fuck about me. Enough to be in a relationship with me and to make that relationship known.
I'm not invisible, or hidden, or some shameful little thing that doesn't deserve to be acknowledged this time.
Fuck you, yes, I'm crying, shut up. It's happy tears.
It's more than just that, though.
A BDSM Mentor?
Srsly.
Do you have any idea how long I've needed that?
I've been begging the godz for that one ever since my initial introduction to the scene over 20 years ago.
For fuck's sake.
I have ALWAYS needed someone gentle, loving, and trustworthy to take me under his capable wing. Someone to protect me, guide me, and show me my body in new ways so that I could understand it more.
He's off to a good start too.
He's very soothing, very supportive, very inducive of that sense of 'let it go', 'give in', 'release'...
I'm so excited to see what else he has to show me.
(slow smirk)
Okay... I might have shown him a thing too...
Let's just say I definitely proved my worth and he knows that I'm not just in this for what he can do for me. I wasn't raised that way.
No, not my spawn givers, they were fucking toxic assholes, I mean me. The way I raised myself since the time I was about sixteen and I began to learn more about how I fit in with my own spiritual reality.
When I came into my own and my connection with Carpathian Mythology... later when I bonded with an Incubus and took on aspects of the demon... later still when I grew into my roles as a healer, a virgin, and a sex mage.
The balance is sacred.
No relationship of this caliber belongs in my Temple if it's not one that feeds on that balance.
I give as good as I get.
Always.
Drogo will always know what it is to be thoroughly and deservingly venerated...
...
...
...
... omfg!
... I have a Mentor!!!
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - You know... every week our session is one of THOSE sessions... where I have a whole list of updates that takes over half the session, and then we do the work if I have anything that I need to work on...
Valkyrie finds my life mind-blowing at times.
Sadly I did not finish writing my Primal Wolf Fantasy in time to get it to her this week, but I'm anxious to hear what she thought of my Con/Non-Con fantasy. (wicked smirk)
- Spoons - I CLEANED ALL THE THINGS!!
Apartment inspections are today. I even scrubbed my tub. I haven't done that... um... ever... and I've lived here for almost two years.
- Writing - I seriously have no discipline... I've been chatting or socializing so much that this totally got put on the back burner...
Bad Sarah Anne! No biscuit!
Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Team Sweetie -
- Iron - It was very sweet to hear from him. He tapped in just enough to ask how I was doing and I mentioned my wonderful date with Drogo, but I went into no details. He was happy for me and reported that he's been busy, but not to the point of running himself ragged again. Tattered, he says, but not ragged.
I sent him my pre and post Solitary Sex Magick naughty pics from the day and he appreciated how wet I get. :)
What my sweet Iron doesn't know is that some of what I would like to work through with Drogo would likely prepare me for a good scene with Iron... so, that could get interesting. :D
- People -
- Nolan - I feel like a pretty terrible Emily right now. I wasn't paying attention to dates when I scheduled one of our upcoming Revenge sessions, and I forgot that the Spawn will need me (around the time of my birthday). So, I had to cancel/reschedule Nolan's Thursday AGAIN!!
FFS... I need my Nolan. Nolan is my People. My Nolan needs me. I am Nolan's Emily. I am Nolan's people.
I have him down for EVERY Thursday after this!!
It will NOT be a problem in the future.
Thursday is Nolan's Day!
- Drogo - OMFG!!
WHERE DO I EVEN START!!
Drogo is the first time that I didn't just wait inside the entryway for him to come to me. I fucking ran all the way out to his car and huggled the fuck out of him the second he had exited his vehicle.
(wolfie tail wagging)
We came inside and proceeded directly to the Chamber of Snuggles.
All the cuddles... I love his warm, soft body. His shirt buttons were a bitch to get off one-handed, but I managed... (rawr!) because, skin... and all the touching...
Mmmm... and the kissing... and the marking... he really had to hold me down when he was leaving his red-hot imprint on my pretty white throat... I mean... all the bucking and squirming and moaning...
Heh... yeah.
(warm purr)
He was so good...
... he laid back and let me focus all my attention and energy on him.
Oh fuck.
I love touching him.
Venerating his beautiful body is both an honor and a reward.
(epic smirk)
<sing song> I found his 'oh fuck' button! </sing song>, at least one of them, anyway. OMFG!! And the absolute BEST part??!!??!! It was one he wasn't even aware of.
(SQUEEEEEEE!!!)
That's like, MAD props for a Sex Mage right there.
If you can make someone tingle in a place they didn't even know they had nerve endings... you've brought your A-Game!
He had my 'inflict pleasure' Alpha Predator out in full force. She was just watching his reactions with so much wolf-grin going on. Ah!! So lush... so exciting.
Made him convulse and shake... then made him cum so hard. (warm purr)
More snuggles.
He wanted to test his theory about my orgasmically challenged nature and it became his turn to inflict some pleasure.
Drogo is the first person to really show me that there is a 'pleasure tolerance' just as much as there is a 'pain tolerance', and that it's possible to put someone in pleasure overload if they haven't been on the receiving end of much for a while.
Humph!
Who knew?
At any rate... I couldn't take much of him before I needed to quit, drink some water, and catch my breath.
He definitely found out how loud I can scream!
Heh!
More snuggles.
He's going to bring the toys next time... both pleasure and pain...
(tosses a shotgun into the trunk of a black '68 Impala)
"We've got work to do."
Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Alpha-cub - Our email exchanges have been getting so delightful... He warms my heart in so many ways...
(ack!) (squee) he tells me he's gotten me a small token of his affections. Nothing too fancy, but it's Supernatural related because he knows that's my favorite show.
He also sent me the loveliest artwork...
Just a pen drawing of feminine wrists being held down by masculine hands...
(ugghhh!!) Someone sure as hell knows how to push my fucking buttons.
omfg.
- Hannah-Cat - Speaking of button pushing.
Alpha-cub isn't the only one good at bringing his A-Game to that party.
I've been chatting more with this pretty little angel kitty and um... I don't think she expected the weapons of words I had in my arsenal.
She's so twitterpated that I'm not even sure she knows which end is up right now, lol.
It's good though.
I could already feel her energy before my date with Drogo, and I already felt comfortable with her, but Drogo is completely fucking saturated with her and there is nothing but loving warmth there.
Hanna-Cat made me realize that the right girl could get me past my PTSD with cis women and I just feel this 'pull' towards her... like I know that person is her.
I'm trying really hard not to lay too much responsibility at her feet, though. I don't want to scare her off by being all needy and 'fix me' and shit. That's not what this is about.
This pull... it's that she's this small, precious thing that I must love and protect... it's this very loving thing that's asked for entry into my heart and I'm inclined to let it in... it's this revved-up little sex kitten that I'm dying to torture with arousal... it's this beautiful, young soul that's becoming more and more open every time I chat with her... and she's ready to explore the new worlds that I have to show her...
Almost like I'm the one mentoring her.
Oh... how the cosmic forces must have had so much fun spinning this fidget into motion... Between my relationship with Drogo and Hanna-Cat's relationship with me and their relationship with each other...
This is going to get fucking interesting.
Friends:
- Brookie - She tapped in yesterday when I was scrambling to get the house clean and offered to help. I politely turned her down.
Then she asked when we were going to be snuggling and catching up... and I had to politely turn that down too.
I did my absolute, level best, to go easy on her.
I told her how sweet and special she is because it's true, but I'm just not the one for her. She seemed to take it well, but apparently, that was just in the moment.
Later I got another message that indicated strongly that she's hurt, possibly even a little resentful, but I don't know what else to fucking do here.
I'm not going to force myself into an uncomfortable situation out of guilt. That would only give her the wrong impression and lead her on. It's much better for her if I just cut ties now and wish her well.
She'll be fine.
But, she needs to get over me.
The more she fixates on me, the less chance she has of seeing the person/people she's really meant to be with, and I can't have that. She deserves to be loved. Just not by me.
Reasons:
- Jaded - She tapped in super quick yesterday while I was with Drogo, sending me a pic from Pride. I told her how beautiful she was. I shared my pre and post Solitary Sex Magick pics and told her that I have a Mentor now. She's super happy for me.
I asked her how she's doing, and she told me she's taking it day by day.
That's a bit disquieting. It tells me that even with her new relationship status, she's still not all the way happy.
(shrug)
It's out of my hands now.
The best I can do is lure her over for a fuck-date and see if that sparks anything that might help her.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most hopeful on that one, though.
End Notes:
I'm still really stuck on the cosmic alignments of Drogo, Hannah-Cat, and me.
I'm trying not to read too much into shit. I don't want either of them to get the wrong impression and think that I'm pushing for something serious if they're just laid back and having fun.
But, I think you all know me well enough by now to know that I wouldn't reject serious if it went there.
They just feel so karmic to me right now... it seems that both of them are perfectly (and I do mean perfectly) equipped to tackle my traumas from two opposite angles... There's just so much that I'll be able to repair with them in my life.
Yes, I still have my visions of what I want my future Primary Partners to be... my Alpha Wolf, Primal:Hunter/Predator, Dom... and my beautiful, amab, GenderFluid Princess.
I'm just leaving myself open to other partnerships too.
That's all.
Not pushing for anything.
Just, remaining open.
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