I feel like this is my own damn fault.
I was the one who challenged the gods.
I was the one who said that they couldn't hurt me anymore.
What the fuck was I thinking?
Did I really think that just because I had Bran back that other losses couldn't hurt me just as much?
Fuck...
And the hits, they just keep coming. I barely have time to catch my breath from one dick punch right to the feels before I get knocked to the ground by another one.
It was just a few days ago that I realized the depression was worse than I had originally thought, and once I dug I discovered my own intimacy issues...
...it made me resent Bran for a day or so, and then I Goddessed the Fuck Up and owned it... just yesterday. I owned the fuck out of it. It still hurt, it still sucked, but it was mine and I knew I was going to walk away from it.
And then!
Of course!
Completely ripped apart by my abandonment issues only hours later.
The pain was so excruciating that I was practically crumpled on the floor, unable to catch my breath, because I was crying so hard. The senses of grief and loss completely fucking destroyed me.
But, I should have seen it coming.
This person had been fading out of my life for months... so, really, I should have known it would come to this.
I took my deep breaths. I calmed myself down. I realized my irrational feelings of pain and abandonment were the result of my disorder, and then I apologized to my friend. He texted me back saying we'd talk about it in a bit.
And then I never heard from him again.
So... yeah... that happened.
Then I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I went directly to my Wonder Twin and told him what was happening so he could talk me down. Which he did, flawlessly.
I let Bran know what had happened as soon as he got off work. He immediately went right back out and came back with salmon, chocolate, and a horror movie.
I told Cuddle Crush and my Cuddle Potential too, and they were there for me as well.
I have people in my life who actually want to be there.
I'm not going to waste my time on someone who used to mean the world to me and clearly wants nothing to do with me anymore.
I deserve better than silence, absence, and being ignored.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - Metal-AF cleared his entire Tuesday for me. Because he loves the fuck out of me and he knows how much I need him right now. Bran is totally okay with this. Because he loves the fuck out of me and he knows how much I need Metal-AF right now.
I'm in good hands.
- Spoons - Give me a fucking break.
I'll let you know when I have a day that I'm not a soul crushed emotional mess... then I'll do the fucking dishes. All of them. Not just washing the one I need to use right away before leaving it dirty next to the sink again.
(grumble-bitch)
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
Nothing new to report.
Family:
- Bran - Right... so, Bran got home.
He's SUPER excited about his new toys.
Fuck... I just realized that I was too wrapped up in my own misery to be excited about his new toys with him.
Okay, not a horrible offense, but I just inked the word 'toys' on the inside of my left wrist to remind me to be excited about his toys tonight.
I'm a bad wife.
Anyway.
I gave him the brief on the most recent broken heart, and he was heading out anyway. He didn't miss a beat. He came home with comfort salmon, chocolate, and a horror movie.
But, I DID bring it to his attention that he runs away when I need emotional support, not gifts. I told him it wasn't anything I expected him to do something about right away, but I just wanted him to be mindful of that moving forward.
Later on, I told him that Metal-AF had cleared his entire Tuesday for me. Bran told me he was really okay with that.
Between now and then we need to establish that it's just not Bran's nature to be my emotional support, but it IS Metal-AF's. I want Bran to be comfortable handing me off to him.
It's time.
It doesn't strip anything away from my relationship with Bran other than a painful expectation that's never fulfilled.
I think he'll be understanding about that.
- Spawn - Nothing new to report.
Sweeties:
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - Okay, total paradigm shift here because this is what I was going to write about yesterday before she loved the fuck out of me and made shit all better.
A week or so ago... Cuddle Crush included me in something that sidled up a kink to me.
I've been ... oh ... ye godz ... confused and scared out of my mind ever since.
This comes in two parts.
The scary part is my narcissistic abuse triggers. It's the sheer terror of this expectation that I would deliberately disrespect her in order to provoke her to abuse me. That I would purposely anger her just to take have her take out that anger on me.
Okay... but then we had that chat yesterday and she was so fucking soothing. She reminded me of the trust and the love already between us. She reminded me that anyone who would abuse a sub like that was NOT a real Domme. She reassured me that yes, eventually we will push boundaries (as a good Domme should) but not until I trust her completely, and that will take TIME.
^^^TIME!!^^^
The one thing no Dominant has never given me in the past before expecting my full obedience.
In Claimed, Reece faced her fears with Cinn and it was this act of pure love and devotion between the both of them. It won't be any different between me and Cuddle Crush.
My life for her.
--
Now, the other part...
Well, that's something I used to be into a really long time ago. It's just a little brain twisty to get into it with her... but last night I suddenly found myself warming up to the idea.
Age play was a monster sexual fantasy that I never had the chance to fully explore when I was in the scene twenty years ago, and I just grew the hell out of it as I got older.
I especially put it out of my mind once I graduated to full Proud Cougar status.
So... try wrapping your brain around that one.
Cuddle Crush is cub age to me, and I'd be shifting to be her little?
But, how could I ever say no to her?
My life for her.
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Cuddles
- Metal-AF - I know my updates here have been pretty slim.
It's just that we're in a bit of a holding pattern until we have a chance to cuddle the fuck out of each other again.
We chat literally ALL THE TIME. He's always there for me, I'm always there for him.
It helps so much to know that I have him in my life. He's taking such good care of me that it makes me hurt less when others break my heart.
That being said, I really need Tuesday to happen.
This getting knocked the fuck down before I've even fully gotten back up again is getting really fucking old really fucking fast.
But, I tell ya, It's sure making me appreciate the fuck out of the true loves that I have in my life.
(potential(s)) # 1 Okay, so the former Potential #1 got the Code Name: Rabbit - that brings Potential #2 up into the #1 slot, and fuck, I really hope I get to meet him in person soon because he's such a sweetie and he really deserves a code name of his own.
Anyway, most of his yesterday was spent with family.
Unfortunately, my internet was befuckled most of the day, so I completely missed his message in the evening that his family had gone home and he was available to chat.
I responded while I was at the tail end of the horror movie and expressed my disappointment that I'd missed him because a chat with him would have really cheered me up.
He expressed equal disappointment because he would have really liked to have been there for me in my hour of need.
^^^ HE was upset that he didn't get a chance to BE THERE FOR ME ^^^
See what I mean about having people in my life who actually want to be there?
We did have a chance to chat a little bit... He has today off. He has a cold, though. So, he should head to Urgent Care at some point. I want him to take care of himself.
It would have been nice to meet him today, but a) depression house is messy as fuck, b) sweet cuddle boy is sick anyway, and c) this gives us more time to take it slow, which is what we should be doing. (thank you for that sage advice, Bright Star)
We have time.
As long as nothing soul-crushing happens to me this coming Wednesday, then the strength charge I build up from Metal-AF cuddles on Tuesday should at least hold me long enough to do dishes on Thursday...
This cuddle guy has a pretty erratic work schedule and sometimes he can be available on weekdays too.
Yup.
It'll happen.
LOL, wouldn't it be funny if I just started calling him Red Falcon, or some shit like that?
Friends:
- Blue Falcon - Annnnndddd, here we go.
I tapped in yesterday to see if we were on for Movie Night tonight. He responded by telling me he'd given my last shred of contact with him to his new 'lady friend'.
Those were not his exact words, that's just how it felt.
I made with the fake happy... and then I came back with the real anger/hurt... and then I apologized for the conflict and explained that my feelings were just hurt.
He said we'd talk about it in a bit... and a bit never happened. I don't know if he was waiting for me to say 'okay' or something, but I took him at his word. [now I'm second guessing this and wondering if I should at least say 'okay' but then I look at where I said I was HURT and I realize the ball really is in his court.]
I was devastated, of course, and of course, Metal-AF was right there to talk me down. I still cried so hard I couldn't breathe. This is the Blue Falcon we're talking about. The one person who was so close to me once that he saved my fucking life. And now I get only a few hours with him at all if I'm lucky, and he just flippantly gave that to someone else without even saying a single word to me about it.
It was a fucking dick move.
But, I also realize that this is my abandonment issues hitting me hard, and I am the one who told the Blue Falcon to move on with his life. There's no way he could have known that I would react that way. So, last night I forgave him.
I still ended up needing a nap to rest my cry-eyes, and while I was down, I fucking realized that I deserve cthulhu damn better than this! The Blue Falcon has been fading out of my life for MONTHS now, and now he's just going to take all that I had left of him away? Without even a warning at all?
When was the last time he even texted me first? When was the last time he even checked in on me to see how I was doing?
He's been a fucking bad friend.
Don't get me wrong - those _two_ times where we got naked were still amazing, but other than that it's been a fat wad of nothing. Like he only needed me when his dick needed to get wet?
When did he stop caring?
So, fuck this shit.
He can text me first when he decides that he wants me in his life, I'm fucking done being the one to always reach out first.
Keep in mind that the Blue Falcon is the most Lawful Good person on the planet. So, once he stops being mad at me for lashing out at him, he'll touch base and I'll explain myself.
We'll forgive each other and we'll move on, but it won't be the same. I'll still fuck him when he needs me to, but I'm not going to show him the same emotional investment that I did before.
I fucking have people in my life who fucking WANT to be there.
I'm going to fucking focus on them.
End Notes:
That's kinda all I have in me today.
I need my Netflix now.
