Support, don't save.

You know? Three days ago, I was fucking happy.  

I'd just met Metal-AF and my world had suddenly opened up to new ideas and new friendships. I even started talking to someone else who had (and still does) such strong potential to be a great cuddle buddy. Like, I'm talking Blue Falcon level (naked) snuggles.

And then her world fell apart.

And mine along with it.

Her ashes consumed me too.

See... 'cause once Bran came home, I looked up and said the stupidest thing I could ever have said. I said, "That's it, we're done. You can't hurt me anymore. There's nothing more that you can possibly do to me that could be worse than anything` you've already put me through!"  

And they laughed and laughed and laughed and said "Challenge accepted."

And then they fucking threw her at me.

I didn't regret it.

I still don't.

I loved her past my pain, I trusted her past my trauma, I accepted her as my Alpha.

She's worth any price I have to pay to have her in my life, but I need her healthy, stable, and whole.

(sigh)

She's not there yet.

And I fucking knew that.

I knew it.

We've both said as much.

When I said I no longer feared the pit, she said she wished she could be that strong. I... in my own way, I tried to warn her away from such a wish, because I knew the pain she'd have to endure before she'd be granted that kind of fearlessness.  

I knew she'd have to be broken and remade a lot more times before she'd get to where I am.

And I was just so fucking stupid.

How the hell did I think I would be able to just stand there and watch her break? I guess I'm a lot weaker than I'd given myself credit for. And I also have a much greater respect for Bran and all the times he supported me through my breakings.  

Yeah, the gods can't hurt me anymore... that's true, but they can force me to stand here and watch while they smash my Fated Mate to bits right before my eyes.

Fuck yeah, I leveled the hell up and this is a new game. A new playing field. The higher ground. It's not me in the thick of the battle anymore. It's me watching my friends and my loved ones suffer while there's nothing I can do about it because they have to grow and learn and be, all on their own, without my interference.  

All I can do is love them.

All I can do is support them.

But I'm not allowed to save any of them. No matter what I see coming for them. No matter what pits I see them about to stumble into.

Support, don't save.

Somehow, I have to grow now. I have to learn to live that as my new mantra.

Support, don't save.

This is my path now.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – This whole fucking week has just been one giant emotional roller coaster. So, don't be surprised or worried, seriously!! It's okay. This is totally normal for a Borderline when we're knocked off balance. We'll feel every possible emotion and we'll feel it 100%. It's all intense. It's all over the place. It's all confusing and it can change direction any second.

Because, I have so much good and so much to appreciate, and at the same time I have so much worry and outright fear. Truth is, I'm just like her. I'm tougher than fucking diamonds too, but I'm also just as fragile when it comes to love. Sometimes it hurts me that she doesn't see that. Sometimes it hurts me that she doesn't reassure me more. Sometimes I wonder why she doesn't notice that I'm in agony over her.  

But, then I remember that she's in fucking hell, and It's not all about me.

She needs me to be the stronger of the two of us.

Once again... fucking mad respect for Bran.

How many times did I ignore his pain?

- Spoons – Most of this week I've had exactly one mother fucking spoon. Get the blog posted. And then NOTHING. Can't even check my fucking email. No clue what today will bring... but I know I have shit to do. Phone calls to make. A life to live...  

- Writing – Fuck the mother fucking sex scene.  

Just chuck it in the fuck-it bucket. I don't even really fucking care right now. My gift will mean nothing to her right now. It's useless. I don't matter. My relationship with her doesn't matter. She's in too much pain and I have to let her be in pain. I have to let her hurt. I have to let her bleed. I have to let someone else be the one to hold her and to console her. I have to put their relationship first, because this will be one of the tests that either binds them or breaks them. My pathetic little excuse for a story isn't getting in the way of that.

Fuck it.

- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – Battery needed charging.

- Fur-babies – No visits recently – but a very 'in her cups' Catmom just delivered a very annoying Splotches to get him out of her hair for a bit. (shrug) I don't mind. I just wish she'd shut the fuck up and drop off the fucking cat without having to talk my ear off for half an hour.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Fuck you. Fuck it. I don't fucking care anymore.

If I have the spoon for it, I'm going to call insurance today to try to get help with a pool, but I'm just going through the motions right now.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – This is what he went through.

10-years with me... watching me ash and rise, watching me break and repair, watching me completely devastated, with no way to help me, while I kept looking the other way.

I hate myself so fucking much right now.

I have 10-years of thank you to make up for, and I don't even fucking know where to start.

Lately the gods have given me every fucking thing I've asked for, no matter how stupid or painful of a request it was going to turn out to be.

So!  

ARE YOU LISTENING UP THERE??!!??

I need Bran to know that I love him, that I appreciate him, and that I hold him in the highest regard above all others. I need to be his equal, his partner, and to be able to help him achieve his goals so he doesn't feel like he's doing everything alone. I need to be his wife, his listener, his comforter.  

I need to be there for him the way that he's always been there for me.

He's got his unresolved issues too.

Help me help him.

Please.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  And as for her?! I FUCKING ASKED FOR THIS TOO!!

NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

I sat right in Valkyries office, and I said that if I had my way, I would play Bran's role. I'd be her rock, her standing stone, her one safe port in the storm.

Yeah huh!

I did that to myself.

(hangs head)

What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me?  

So...  

… now what?

This tender fucking balance that I’m going to fuck up a thousand times before I get it right. Trying to support her without getting too deep and trying to save her.

And how much longer can I survive her treating me like I'm nothing to her?

I know she's just pushing me away to test me, but fuck, it still hurts so much and it causes so much doubt in our relationship.

How long do I have to regret my promise to never give up on her?

How many days, weeks, months, years did it take me to heal from JerkDad? From Set? Fuck, I'm still in recovery over that fucking Screeching Harpy... but, at least I'm including Bran in my healing process this time.

How. Exactly. Do. I. Do. This?

Your guess is as good as mine.

- Pathfinder – Here's a bright spot. I got to see and snuggle the Pathfinder yesterday... LOL, I think my favorite part of our visits (of which there have been 3 total) is when we redefine our relationship. How we don't need contact to feel close. We don't need to know where each other has been or what each other has been doing, we just accept the fact that we both have lives and we enjoy our time together when we have it.

Pathfinder is a beautiful creature. So loving. Sometimes a little too loving.  

He's enabling someone pretty hard right now... I gotta put my foot down and stop that shit! He's going to drown himself in that stank nasty pool of sewage if I don't get him out of there and hose him off.

And yeah, irony be damned, this time someone does need to be saved! He's the one holding onto the rope keeping someone else from falling. I've got to rescue knife the fuck outta that rope and pull him back from the edge before this shit breaks him too.  

This time it's a lesson he DOES NOT NEED to learn the hard way. He's already learned this one. This time he needs to learn when to let his Valkyrie pull him off the battlefield.

Nuff said.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – My heart is with my beloved Cuddle Buddie today.  

Yes, I can stop whining about myself for five minutes.  

He's got bad juju today, and I can't be there to support him in person. It's killing me that I’m not there. He needs my strength to get him through this.

Metal-AF and I are very firmly ensconcing ourselves as additional rocks and standing stones for each other. Which, honestly, is a very good thing.  

I think sometimes a partner grows weary of being the sole support system. I think co-supports are one of the most beautiful parts about Polyamory. That shared pain is lessened. Shared joy is increased. Metal-AF and I bring a lot of joy and lessened pain to each other's lives.

We're good for each other.

We need each other.

(sigh)

Both of us are facing some shit right now, and I honestly don't think either of us would get through it without each other.

So, as much as I feel hurt, and anger, and resentment over my situations. I also feel love, gratitude, and solace.

Balance...

… right?

… I need his counterbalance to pull me back from the edge of the pit that Cuddle Crush is threatening to pull me into.

… fucking hell...

… we better fucking cuddle soon.  

End Notes:  

(sigh)

Okay... I've got to extract myself from a cat and get my last cup of coffee and then get some artwork and shit picked out and get this posted... and then we'll see.

Wish me spoons.