I always find the blessing hidden deep inside the curse.

I feel a lot of positive movement happening right now.

Which, in a way, is a little unnerving, I'll be honest. Mercury is in Retrograde and starting anything new or opening up negotiations during this time is very ill advised, and yet... here we are.

Alternately, we just hit a very intense blue moon, and that's when a LOT of this really fell into place... so the cosmic forces are confusing us with a little bit of good cop, bad cop here.

Then you toss in Apophis, and it's game over.

See, Apophis is an agent of Karma, I don’t think he gives a flying fuck what Mercury or the moon have to say about anything. If he's planned something in advance, it's going to happen. He was very clear with me that he wants his story told.  

Yes, he's the avenger. He is wrath. He's 100% Don't Fuck With Me...

… but that's only one side of him.

Apophis is also the healer, as strange as that might sound. He is kindness. He's 100% You Survived, You Earned This...

… that's his other side.

When I was introduced to him, I was told that he'd been following me because he was attracted to my sense of perseverance. That there was more to me than the average person. I didn't just get the fuck back up again whenever I got knocked down (and I got knocked down a LOT), but every time I got back up I was aggressive about rebuilding myself better than I had been the last time. I owned the fuck out of it. I didn't play the victim.  

YES, I will ACKNOWLEDGE the tragedy that took me down, but I don't do this as a means of attention seeking. I only bring it up when it's a natural part of an explanation of why I am the way I am.

Vehement hatred of Apple Products, the color green, and snowy owls? - All Set. All related to the breaking that hit me so hard my mind literally shattered and now I've got six personalities? Yeah... that one. Not complaining. I fucking LOVE my split personalities. They're one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Can't trust anything with tits, ever again? - all Screeching Harpy. All related to the bitch who nearly destroyed me and my marriage. Not complaining. That experience taught me how to be a much more loving wife and how to appreciate and treasure my husband more than I ever have in the past. It also shaped me into the kind of person who would let something as rare and as beautiful as Cuddle Crush inside my walls. My attitudes on the current, two most beloved, people in my world were shaped by the pain that nearly killed me.  

And these are the exact types of reasons why Apophis singled me out.

I always find the positive.

I always find the blessing hidden deep inside the curse.

I always figure out some way to twist these gnarly little mother fucking blood inducing thorns into something beautiful and  not to be ignored.

I make my pain mean something.

So, yeah, a lot of really awesome stuff is happening right now.

I'm meeting some amazing people. I'm socializing again. I'm expanding my world and I'm drawing good people into my world. Now, whether you believe in cosmos, karma, or just plain old positive attitudes, it doesn’t matter. The end result is still the same.

This is finally getting to a point where my recovery isn't about survival anymore. It's about living.

And I can live with that.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – I'm literally going to have to scan through my entries for the past week and build up a bulleted list/timeline of events to tell Valkyrie everything that's happened. It's been that kind of a week.

- Spoons - / - Writing – It just keeps getting put off or ignored, every day. Every day, when I get to the point in my schedule where I could/should do some writing – the spoon isn't there. Yesterday I was so flooded with Facebook popularity that I ran out of time/energy before leaving for Movie Night. Today I'm going on 4 hours of sleep.

Is this sex scene EVER going to get written?!?!?

- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – Ye Godz, is that really the reading? Oh no... please tell me this isn't right...  

3 hours 23 minutes, 0x awake, 6x restless, 12 minutes awake/restless.

Three fucking hours?

I can almost guarantee you that sex scene isn't getting written today.

- Fur-babies – There was some MASSIVE cuddlage with the Blue Falcon's Fur Babies last night. So much so that my knee started to give out from the way that my leg was braced/resting on the coffee table. Fortunately, the Blue Falcon knows his cats pretty well and all he had to do was make room on his chest and pat his hand. Instant gravitational pull. One still stayed with me because she was comfortable, but the other is SUCH a daddy's girl!

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – The scales are seriously tipping between 'I love you more than my own life' and 'I'm annoyed as hell with you, right now.'

On the one hand, there were some awesome cuddles that transitioned into some of the best sex that we've had in a while. The kind of sex that only happens when he's not super stressed out. The kind of sex that happens when things are truly exceptional between us.

But...

Then he got caught up binge watching a show and we didn't go to bed until almost 4 am.

So, goodbye spoons, and see you tomorrow sex scene?

(grump)

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  I’m going to go ahead and admit that I'm feeling insecure again.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Stop judging me.  

It's all Borderline Bullshit and I know it. Logically I know it's my mental illness whispering dark words in my heart and telling me that this isn't going to happen, or that she's already falling out of love with me.

It's just that the emotions feel so real and I keep needing to feed on her reassurance that she's still there and that she hasn't left me.  

Thankfully, I recognize the presence of my mental illness here, and she's already reassured me enough times that I’m able to back the fuck off and let her message me when she feels able/available. After all, she had mentioned being 'busy' in reference to Facebook, and I didn't fully understand that until yesterday when my popularity went off the charts. So, I get it.

She's still mine.

I know she's mine.

She's my Fated Mate.

Right now we're unable to consummate that bond, and I think it's hurting both of us. So, maybe it's a good idea to just go ahead and get distracted.  

She has enough distractions in her world.

I can fill up my Cuddle Buddy dance card and get distracted in mine.

It will come when it comes... She will find me waiting for her when she's ready.

- Pathfinder – He's legit moving!! Like, done with training, career starting, MOVING. And I'm sooooo fucking NOT sorry to say it, but he's moving the fuck on too. Things got a little stupid on his end... he jumped into something he probably shouldn't have, and he regretted it. He's scraping the last of that oily residue off of himself now and he's going to start a new life somewhere far, far away from his troubles.

I am SO fucking proud of him!

He's going to swing through on his way, so I'll get one last cuddle in. Depending on logistics, it might be more than a cuddle, I'm good either way.  

Our bond won't sever due to the distance. What Pathfinder and I have is so... unbelievably unique and profound. It's just not the kind of thing that requires physical contact to survive. I love him dearly and I feel incredibly connected to him, but I'm not in love with him, so there's no strain on my heart from the distance between us. It's not like it is when Bran goes long distance. With Pathfinder it's just this thing where I could see him once a year and it's fine.  

However, with the way he's still working through things and with the way he needs my soft touch... and with the way I'm HIS Valkyrie... it's not really the kind of relationship dynamic where I'm the needy one.

I need to keep that in mind too. The distance might not kill me... but it could be messing with him. I should monitor that.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon – I'm very surprised to say that I was able to ask about the Blue Falcon's new Hunnie and I was able to hear about her and their interactions without a shred of pain or jealousy.  

If anything... I'm so fucking proud of him!

He's evolved, and I can see that he's evolved, and part of me wants to take a little bit of credit for that evolution. He specifically did point out something that he learned from me that he's used in this relationship.

Where I'm the most amazed with him, though? He feels something with her that he swore he was incapable of feeling.  

I totally knew that he COULD, I just knew that he hadn't met the person who could bring him to that place, yet.

The Blue Falcon believed with everything in him that he was incapable of 'romantic love'.  

He was wrong.

HA HA HA HA HA!! Suck it. LOL.

He's so twitterpated it's fucking hilarious to witness!

He gets it now! He understands love. What a treasure!! I'm SO happy for him. He EARNED it. After putting his life on hold for me the way that he did, he deserves to make up for lost time and find the woman/wife/child-mother of his dreams.  

(wicked grin)

… also...

… he used the 'soft touch' on her...  

… fukkin-a...  

… yes, you read that right…  

… he learned my soft touch through experience and he used it to melt her...

… lol... yeah, bitches...  

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – I need more cuddles.

I'm a little worried that our posts are flooding our Facebook group a little too much too fast...  

I'm really fucking lucky that Metal-AF is in my life... I give him full credit for my not being in pain last night. He helped me move on from the Blue Falcon. He proved it to me that there are still good cuddlers out there and that as unique and one-of-a-kind as the Blue Falcon is/was, I'm still capable of forging new bonds that are just as wonderful and also just as unique.  

Metal-AF showed me that the world isn't done surprising me yet. He showed me that there are so many more connections out there for me. Some are going to be answering my call, some are going to be calling me, some are going to be equal evocations where the need for each other is completely mutual... no more one-sided loves.

This is such an exciting time for me...

… I wonder who else is coming along for the ride.

( Potentials ) I gotta say, I'm really impressed with one of my potentials here too.  

Brief point of note for those of you who might be new here: Code Names do not always reveal themselves to me right away. Sometimes it takes a date or two before that unique connection or personality trait stands out.

Anway... I'm also going to divert for a second and then I'll loop back to the potential.

One of the things that made my relationship with the Blue Falcon so special was that we were clearly two very different people. When it came right down to it, we actually shared very little in common. If it hadn't been for the wild confluence of events that brought us together, we would have never crossed into each other's spheres.

And yet, we were both so laid back and tolerant of differences in other people that we just regarded each other as 'someone cool to hang out with'. We simply enjoyed each other's company anyway. We found each other interesting and we NEVER ran out of things to talk about. We exposed each other to new experiences and we learned from each other. It was fucking awesome.

Okay, now looping back.

That's the exact same vibe I get with this potential. I mean, the LENGTH of our chats so far... absolutely legendary. I love it!

And, oddly enough, we seem to be on the same page of intimacy that I was with the Blue Falcon too! Right there with the loving/connected - naked cuddles – sex positive but not required.

I did explain that despite the attraction, sex needs to be off the table for right now, and he told me that he already knew that because he'd been reading my blog and he was aware of my stance on Cuddle Crush. He's cool with it.

We also took the time to delve a bit into 'emotional attachment' and how we will be careful with one another so that neither of us gets hurt.  

No really.

Take a second.

Go back and read that last bit.

Since when have I ever had a conversation with someone about being careful about emotional attachments? Like, where the hell did that even come from?

Oh, and before that fries your brain, get this. I INSTIGATED IT!  

And I don't even mean in the 'please, don't hurt me' kind of instigation either! It was more the 'hey, I'm going to watch out for you and make sure you're okay, no matter what' level instigation.

What the hell? Where on earth did that come from? Little miss reckless didn't just dive into something and then make everyone regret it 5 months later? Someone actually learned from some fucking mistakes and primed for the transition back out of the relationship before even going into it in the first place?

This is a personal evolution that I never thought I'd ever see in myself.

This is a strange place for me to be... I'm still in recovery... honestly, I'm still so many broken pieces right now... and yet, at the same time, this is the most emotionally and mentally healthy that I've ever been.

What a marvel...

Srsly.

End Notes:  

So... I don't want to get ahead of myself here... but I'm on final coffee and I actually feel pretty awake... Like, hey I can face the day, awake.

However, there have been days in the past where that 'awake' was just enough caffeine induced adrenaline to get me through the blog posting and then my eyeballs pucker into my skull and I'm flattened for the rest of the day. Too caffeinated to sleep, too fucked to be productive.

For the love of all that is luscious... please just let me write this damned sex scene!