So, one should never beg for love, right?
*wince*
Only, I kinda did.
If you go back a couple of entries, there's this big ass open letter to Metal-AF, and in it, it's all about the begging.
You'd think I had more dignity than that, right?
Okay, but here's the thing. I wasn't prostrating myself before him. I wasn't kowtowing, worshiping in madness, begging my absentee God to come back to me.
I know he struggles with some self-esteem/self-worth issues the same way that I do, and I wanted him to know that he was wanted. That no matter what had happened, or what I'd done wrong, I still needed him.
Yes, it was still begging, but in this case, I believe it was a necessary evil to show Metal-AF that he was still loved and that he could return to claim that love at any time.
(smile)
Then I got angry.
I tried to hold back on that emotion for as long as I could, I really did, but anger is a natural part of the grieving process. When it comes down to it, I had reached a place of hopelessness where I felt he was never coming back and the instinct to emotionally disconnect took over. My walls had to go up... the razor wire had to get thicker.
I wrote him another open letter where I lashed out a bit. It's in another blog, but you're welcome to read it.
And as much as I hate to admit it, that was the one that got his attention.
I received a text last night while I was otherwise entangled, and then we met online, later on, to hug it out.
Explanations were given, but forgiveness happened long before the darkness that had enveloped us.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - I'm so glad I have a better report for Valkyrie than I thought I was going to today.
- Spoons - Nothing new to report.
- Writing - Nothing new to report.
- #YarnSlut - Nothing new to report.
- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
Nothing new to report.
Family:
- Bran - He was still really angry with Metal-AF and quite upset with me for forgiving him so easily until I had the chance to explain it in terms he'd understand. However, once I told him what had happened on Metal-AF's end, and how he was owning it now, he understood completely and offered his full support.
Bran's a compassionate guy like that.
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Sweeties:
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - I sent her a message too but received no reply. So, I'll make an attempt to have a conversation there today.
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Cuddles
- Metal-AF - See, because what this really all boiled down to was a massive PTSD MELTDOWN of epic epicness.
He freaked.
Who the fuck hasn't?!
Anyone who wants to hold it against him that he freaked can go eat a dick. We've all fucking been there and none of us are innocent of letting our daemons take over when Bad JuJu happens.
Metal-AF deserves our compassion. He deserves healing and recovery.
Anyone who disagrees can go to hell.
Friends:
- Blue Falcon - See Above; RE: Otherwise Entangled - (wiggles eyebrows)
When I started down this Cougar path, there's been one thing that I've always wanted. I've wanted to have a cub that I would have an on again / off again relationship with.
I wanted to be past my rejection and abandonment issues enough that when that cub wasn't otherwise involved with a partner or potential life partner, he could still return to me and we'd just have this great sexual relationship that always picked up right where it left off.
And in the off times, we’d still just be these really great, comfortable with each other, friends. Nothing awkward and no resentments at all.
Mission.
Fucking.
Accomplished.
I got the hell fucked out of me last night.
And it was probably going to be just that once because he plans on going on a few dates this weekend to select the next potential girlfriend.
But, the cuddles, the screaming so loud we greatly disturbed one of the cats... oh... ye, godz... did I ever need that.
Blue Falcon has some stamina.
He's like the godz damned Hulk. That mother-fucker can SMASH!
It really helped a lot!
And then in the post-coital cuddling, that's when Metal-AF texted me.
The universe just sort of re-aligned itself again.
Fucking Mercury Direct.
I swear to the godz that the next time Mercury is going retrograde, I'm just going to shut down everything and fucking hide in my apartment with a stockpile of food and popcorn for the Netflix.
- Bright Star - I know how bad he felt about having to rip me apart the way he did. It tore him to pieces to have to do it too. I wouldn't wish that kind of guilt on anyone.
So, of course, I included him in the updates that Metal-AF and I have reconciled and all is well.
He was VERY happy for me.
And we left it at that.
This is really good.
I think Bright Star and I will have no problem with casual social contact. I think we might even be able to have some sort of a tangential/social-situational friendship someday if he's able to work through some of his stuff.
That would be nice.
End Notes:
I honestly don't even have the words to describe what it feels like to have Metal-AF back, and he was suffering just as badly without me. We came to the mutual realization that we can't be without each other now that we've found each other.
The sense of wholeness is more than just the closing of the sucking chest wound. There's a euphoria there too.
We're bound. We belong together. Neither of us is meant to walk in this world without the support and love of the other. This is a friendship that needs to be, and without it, we both just fall apart and start to deteriorate.
We were meant to strengthen one another. We were destined for this friendship. We're only complete when we're together.
And neither of us has any problem admitting that.
[and we're still on for Friday Supernatural!]
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