And things were going so well...
I felt like I was in a good, stable, loving place with Bran.
I felt like I was in a healthy, balanced, patient place with Cuddle Crush.
I knew I was in an amazing, tight, but distant place with Metal-AF... because anything further than five feet away from me is too far away, lol.
I was getting on with my things yesterday... I'd even said my good mornings with my beloved lady... and then I got to the point in my day where it was time for me to focus on the housework.
And my entire being just shut the fuck down...
None of me was having it.
Not even in a 'just push through it' sort of way... I'm talking in a 'balls out, GO LAY DOWN' sort of way, but not physically sick or in pain. Just pure mental shut down. 100% 'you will NOT be doing the things today, you will rest today.'
And that's when I knew something was wrong.
THANK THE GODZ Cuddle Crush was there for me, she let me soundboard it off of her.
I was able to figure out that the sleep and depression were operating in a vicious cycle, feeding off of each other. My depression was amplified by the lack of sleep, but the main reason I wasn't going to bed at a decent time was that I was too afraid of the dark.
I couldn't handle the lights out portion of the day where I'd lay there, trying to sleep, and I would have to face the thoughts brought on by the depression.
And that meant that there was something more to what I was feeling. Something deeper than just my recovery, or trying to cope with Bran leaving again, but what?
Also, how did this affect my relations with current and future cuddle buddies? Especially the lonely caregivers? What was it about their intimacy issues that was pulling them to me? How was I best helping them? Was I supposed to be letting them in to help me too?
(sigh) And then it all just sort of came crashing down.
I'm the one with the fucking intimacy issues.
Me.
Not just them.
I'm also the one not letting anyone in. I'm also the one not letting anyone help me. Not even with Metal-AF. I was letting him balance me. I was letting him kill my pain. I was allowing him to give me temporary relief... but I wasn't even letting him in.
I've been completely closed.
I haven't trusted anyone enough to let them know where I'm really hurting or why.
When I thought about it, I was able to eventually pinpoint the exact catalyst of my shut-down/shut-out too.
It was the weeks on end that I cried myself to sleep, alone, every night, whispering to myself "You're all alone. No one is coming for you. No one is going to save you. No one cares."
The one person I'd always trusted to protect me had turned a blind eye to my tears.
The one person I'd always trusted to protect me had turned a deaf ear to my screams for help.
I was left alone.
Broken.
Bleeding.
And no one came for me.
Neglect is a form of abuse.
(deep breaths)
And I gave up.
That's it... I just fucking gave up.
I gave up on him. I gave up on people. I gave up on everything and everyone.
If I let someone in, it was just the bare minimum needed for me to survive. If I told my story or shared my pain, it was with a brave face and the outright lie that I was okay, and that I'd already moved passed what had happened to me.
I haven't moved past fuck all.
And I still don't trust anyone to save me.
Because that's what the strong and the brave do, right? We're supposed to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and just be these beautiful disasters who only need company while we go about the business of saving ourselves, right?
Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?
Then why is my hottest non-sexual fantasy the one where someone looks me right in the eyes and gently says the tender words "No. You're not." when I lie and say that I'm okay?
Why do I keep wishing for that one person who will see right through my fucking brave face to this shattered mess inside, and why do I want that person to just hold me until I let go and cry... and cry until the tears refuse to come anymore.
These things don't happen in real life, right?
This is all just fucking bullshit.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
Fuck it.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
This too.
Family:
- Bran - I will give him absolute fucking credit, he does show me the utmost love in his own way.
Bran's love language is to shower me with material things.
Yesterday it was crucial that we stop at the pharmacy, and I was also out of my breakfast of choice noms, so we picked those up too. Then he pulled me into an office supply store to look for a travel case for November, my Chromebook.
We didn't find anything that met my specifications, but we found one that was close. He remembered seeing a better one at another location, so he drove me home and dropped me off so that he could go pick that one up, which he did, and it's perfect.
Later last night, I was working on getting my coffee maker set up for this morning and it became clear that my already 'long overdue for a change' water filter, had simply ceased to function entirely. So, I called him and asked if he could finally bite the bullet and replace my water filtration system. This has been a necessary thing that's been on the back burner for WAY TOO LONG.
He tried to put it off again, and I explained the problem, and then he told me to put my shoes back on.
Off to another store, we find a better filtration system and this time he even buys me several back-up filters, so I'm not going to run into this issue again. Fuck YES!
Then, genius that he is, he suggests that we pick up a gallon of filtered water because it's too late in the evening for me to stay up late getting the new filter all flushed and ready to do its job.
Also... he does notice how down I am.
While we're inside the store, he leads me over to the wall-o-chocolate and tells me to pick out something nice while he goes to grab the water.
I come away with a box of fancy chocolates that HE picked out for me.
Back home... there's even some 'feel better Mo', even though he wasn't feeling the greatest. His tummy was not happy with him.
--
He fucking cares.
He tries so hard to take care of me.
It's not his fault that material things just aren't what I need to really feel better and that actually addressing my emotional problems are what I need.
He's still the best at what he does, and I still love the fuck out of him for it.
- Spawn - I'm actually really glad this isn't my weekend with her. I need some time to cope with these new emotions. I need time to break down and cry, a lot, and I can't do that with her around.
Sweeties:
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - Thank every god in absolutely every fucking 'verse for her.
There are simply not enough expletives. I fucking love this woman. She didn't fail me one little bit yesterday. I was weak, and I needed to talk. I needed to not be alone for just a little bit, and she was there for me.
She showed me nothing but that fucking heart of gold compassion that I know is in her, but that I'm so afraid to try to access.
I keep wanting to be the strong one for her, because I know she's going through a lot too.
But, then again, this brings us right back around to the intimacy issue, doesn't it?
I can't be the strong one ALL THE TIME and she would NEVER expect me to be.
I'm allowed to break down with her. If she'd been by my side, she would have just wrapped me in her strong (omg, Amazon fucking buff, sexy as hell, makes my pussy clench just looking at them) arms and she would have let me cry on her shoulder for as long as I needed to.
She's like me. She'd be pleased to take my pain. It would make her feel good to pull this poison from my veins.
(deep breaths)
Someday, this distance won't separate us anymore.
Someday, she'll be allowed to love me without limits.
(deep breaths)
Someday... I'll get to share with her the experience of being Fated Mates, Co-Alphas, and more...
... someday I'll get to love her.
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Cuddles
We both have our own storms, but we are each other's rocks, and fuck... we need to be together.
I talked to Bran about this last night.
In the grand scheme of things, I'm beginning to explain the fact that Metal-AF and I need each other, and we need to be close to each other.
He'd be studying hard... I might have my shit together enough to do some writing, or I might just be binging Netflix, who the fuck cares.
I'd just be on the sofa with him. My feet in his lap. His nose in his books. My headphones on so the sound doesn't bother his concentration.
The presence.
The touch.
We would never take each other away from our partners. We would just keep each other balanced so that we could be better partners to our partners.
We'd just love each other.
We'd just be Wonder Twins.
(potential(s)) # 1 Nothing new to report.
(potential(s)) # 2 I sent him bunches of information about my PolyCule. He said he'd be busy over the next few days, and that he'd read it all, but he might not be able to respond for a bit.
I'm still looking forward to seeing where this goes.
I hope it goes somewhere.
I'm starting to panic a little bit in light of the intimacy issue thing...
Ugh...
(gut punch)
Friends:
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
Not in the 'chat for hours every day' kind of way that I had him before our failed cuddle date, but definitely in the 'I can still go to him for a deep emotional conversation at times' kind of way.
As soon as I came to my epiphany about my intimacy issues, he was the first person I went to because he was the most recent person affected by my intimacy issues.
I told him everything, and he agreed with most of it. He was so fucking comforting and then he dug right into the dirt and offered me his advice.
He noticed my very black and white, all or nothing, thinking when it came to my walls and my razor wire. He noticed that once someone breached those barriers, they were in, and they had access to everything and all the power to hurt me deeply.
Bright Star encouraged me to let newbies in slowly. To get to know them over time and to only give them pieces of me, little by little, until the trust is fully earned. Shades of grey.
So, don't stay closed, but also don't just open all the way up as soon as a connection is formed.
He told me to think of it like leveling up with a teammate in an RPG. LOL.
What a brilliant, beautiful man.
I've missed conversations like that with him, and I told him that.
He didn't say 'don't contact me again!' or anything... so, I think it's okay if we still talk like that sometimes.
Not all the time.
Not every day.
Not like before.
I'm going to give it a few days and then I'm going to check in on him, just to see how he's doing. I'll see if I can get us talking about something that's not deep/emotional/personal... but just general life/awesome.
I'd really like to get us back to comfortable dialogs where I'm not insecure about talking to him because he really is an amazing person and he'd be a gorgeous friend to have in my corner.
He's a fascinating human with a beautiful mind and a tragic past... the kind of person that this world just craves because he's so full of warmth and compassion, and someone who deserves so much better and so much more than he's been given.
I guess I just want to be close enough to watch him evolve and get everything joyful the 'verse has planned for him.
That shouldn't be too much to ask, right?
End Notes:
(deep breaths)
I feel better.
Writing about Cuddle Crush, Metal-AF, and Bright Star helped me to realize that I'm not alone this time.
It doesn't matter who neglected/abused/abandoned me or how much of a burden I was to someone when I needed him the most.
I have people this time.
And a fuck ton of salmon, lol.
No comments:
Post a Comment