Our love languages are different.

I had a PTSD Nightmare in the wee hours of the morning.

No reason that I can specify. There are no real stressors happening and I really feel like I'm in a good place in my relationship with Bran. I think I thought about the Screeching Harpy when I went to get more water... but it wasn't anything upsetting. I wasn't annoyed. I know there's a situation and it's actually to my advantage...

So, what the fuck, brain? Why the dream?

Of course, my fucking brain gives zero fucks. It just tortured me for no reason.

What happened wasn't Bran's fault. He was manipulated into hurting me. He was forced to become an accessory to the abuse. But, the fucking dreams don't care how much I forgive him in the forefront of my mind. In the dreams, I'm still right back there... I' still in the abuse. I'm still back in his flippant attitude where he allowed the abuse to happen and did nothing to stop it.

I always wake up feeling like he betrayed me all over again. I have that fresh, cold resentment sitting in the pit of my stomach. I can't breathe. I feel hatred. I lose my balance. My guard goes up. What little I've regained of my day to day trust is unhinged.

Why?

Why does this keep happening?

(sigh)

He's never just sat me down and apologized. It's not a part of him to tell me the words I need to hear in the order that I need to hear them so that I can move on, and it’s useless to try to coach that. It just wouldn’t be genuine. He’d be a fucking parrot, and we both know it, but we've started to work that out too.

"Stand up and treat her like she deserves to be treated, or sit the fuck down and watch someone else do it for you."

??

Yeah, that.

Sometimes the new people in my life do something that's never been done before. And I gush about it to him. Things like apologizing or soothing me in the ways that I need it to happen. The ways that I’ve always needed it to happen. The ways that I’ve told him for the last 10 years that I’ve needed it to happen and he still hasn’t figured it out or done it, yet. (and not ever, I’m sure)

And when I say 'that's the first person who's ever gotten it right!' - he always comes back with 'and now I feel like an asshole, but I'm going to own it.'

So, he knows.

He knows he fucked up.

And that's the closest I will ever get to an apology from him. I'll get other people doing what he should have done. I'll get his -remorse?- I guess you'd call it, and I'll get him owning the fact that he's not wired in the ways of giving me what I need.

Thing is... this doesn't even come close to driving a wedge between us. Far from it. I always tell him that he's perfect just the way he is and that I love him anyway. And then I don't just say it, I show it.

As best as I can, anyway.

Our love languages are different.

Right now, the best way I can love him is to let him go. Let him go do this job. Let him travel, and not hate him for it. No tears. Just welcome home, and how was it, sweetie?

We're growing.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Oh... wait... I have been thinking about the Bad JuJu from 2016 a lot lately. It's been coming up covertly in conversations as I've been building my support network to cope with Bran traveling.

I don't really go into details. I just say bad shit happened. I wait until a closeness has formed with someone before I start talking about it, and not many people stick around long enough to get that close.

So... I guess it's been stirring around in there.

Ugh... Recovery sucks.

I want to be over this already.

- Spoons -  Wanna hear something funny?

The reason I haven't taken a shower for about a week is that I get up and there's all this crap on my to-do list. And I keep thinking, "I'll take my shower at the end after I've been all sweaty!" Because that makes the most sense to my warped little brain.

Then I go ahead and depleat all my spoons - and no shower happens.

I ONLY figured this out JUST last night!!

I suddenly had this epiphany that normal people lead with the shower and then face their day.

What the fuck have I been doing all my life?

- Writing -  Nothing new to report.

- #YarnSlut -  Nothing new to report.

- Fur-babies -  Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Family:

- Bran -  I've got to hand it to him. He's been SO WONDERFUL. He's been making accommodations to get me to sleep at much more reasonable hours. And when I wake up, he seems to be sleeping just fine himself.

I'll check with him this morning, though and make sure he wasn't bored last night. The Unicorn had gone to the sleepies in the living room, which meant he had to be doing his wakey stuff in the dark/quiet next to me while my meds kicked in.

So, I have to find out if that was okay for him or not.

Other than that, we seem to be doing well. I honestly don't have much in the way of complaints.

We're noticing that I have needs that aren't' wired in his system, and we're both pretty much okay with me finding fulfillment of those needs elsewhere.

I'm still trying to be really careful with his heart, though.

I'm not letting this become another Set or Lotus situation. No way, not ever again!!

- The Unicorn -  OMG!

Literally THE funniest thing.

At least for us, anyway.

Sometime between the last visit and this, the Unicorn had a homework assignment to interview someone about a time when they 'convinced someone to do the right thing'.

Okay, I kinda fucked this up. They wanted something mainstream like 'your friend finds a wallet with $100 in it and they want to keep it, but...' and I didn't have anything like that. So, Bran brought up the time when I met a young woman in an abusive relationship, and I was the one who convinced her to get out.

She fucking loves me now. She's happy, well adjusted, married and has a child with a wonderful man. None of that would have happened without me, and none of that would have happened if I hadn't had my own experience of escaping from narcissistic abuse.

So... yeah... that part of my past came up, quite a bit, during this phone interview, and even though the Unicorn didn't have me on speaker, I guess JerkDad overheard most of it anyway.

Awww... so sad... I made the poor little itty bitty baby narcissist cry.

Uh-huh... that happened.

The Unicorn arrived last night to tell me, with the biggest grin on her face, that my conversation with her had brought the pathetic little boy-man to tears. We both laughed.

--

Later, I asked her to clarify. Did he have a 'reason' for his tears?

She told me that he was upset that I was painting him in such a negative light.

Yeah, he said that.

It had nothing to do with understanding my pain or feeling bad about it. It was all about his narcissistic 'me me me' bullshit that he didn't want her to see him as a bad person because I thought of him that way.

So, I brought this to her attention.

Exactly this.

The narcissist didn't want her to figure out that he's a schmuck.

And then we both roared with laughter!!

In Bran's words: "That ship has sailed, hit the iceberg, and sank killing everyone on board."

She's fully cognizant you giant fucktard.

What an asshole.

Sweeties:

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   I checked in on her this morning, she's relaxing today, thank goodness.

She was there for me to soundboard my PTSD nightmare off of and remember that I do forgive Bran, I really do.

After that the conversation went south. I tried to tell her the funny shit about JerkDad, but she was non-responsive. HOWEVER, this time she was awesome enough to explain that her mind just isn't in the right place this morning.

SO GOOD!

Our communication is improving!

I let her go.

I did thank her for being there for me when I needed to talk about my nightmare, and I also told her that it's okay if she's not ready to hear a long story next time.

We're getting better at this. We really are.

I love her so much.

  - Pathfinder -  Nothing new to report.

  - Never Enough -  Nothing new to report.

Cuddles

  - Metal-AF -  Pretty much the same thing you're used to by now. I miss the fuck out of him. We're going to see each other day after tomorrow...

(sigh)

(pout)

Friends:

  - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Everyone's awake... time to get on with the day...

Srsly, time to fucking shower.