Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim...

Right... so, true to form... three to four days.

Somewhere in the equator of three to four days since my meltdown, and I'm on top of it.

No longer the emotional punching bag. 100% Radical Acceptance. This is going to fucking suck for a while and there's no way around it. So, give in and fucking learn from the damn pain already. Because that's what it's there for.

Important distinction here:

I didn't have my meltdown, solve it, and then move on. It wasn't that kind of a three to four day turn around.  

It wasn't a stumble.

This is Separation, Initiation, Return level stuff. This is the first quest in the new game. I leveled up, and this is the first mini-boss. So, this is going to take a lot longer to sort through because this is NEW PAIN and there's a learning curve here.

I didn't stumble, I fell.

(deep breaths)

This, on top of the recovery that I was already deep in the throes of...

But, it's okay.

No, really. It's okay.

Radical Acceptance time. I'm okay with the fact that I'm not okay.

There's a reason why my final tattoo is going to be my Cutie Mark in Radical Acceptance. It's going to be an Ouroboros with the Latin "Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim" scripted around (or inside) it. (Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.)

So, let it hurt, let it bleed, let the darkness close in, because it's okay.

I'm not alone.

Bran is my loyal guide. He knows this darkness. He was in it with me for 10-Years (he's still kinda in it, but now I'm self-aware of his role and I can make it easier on him.) Metal-AF is right by my side, offering me his comfort and support. He will hold me when the tears come. And others will come too. They will also be with me and we will all learn. It's all good.

I trust my strength.

I know I can do this.

But, fuck... it's gonna hurt.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – So, today is obviously a deep breaths kind of day. I'm disconnected enough from the pain that I can take that step back and I can see the whole game map. I'm not just thinking one kill ahead. I'm seeing every battle, including the final outcome where both myself and my teammates win.  

Tomorrow I could have another meltdown and it will take me three to four days to take a deep breath again.

That's it... just forewarning. These are external circumstances outside of my control and my reactions/responses to those circumstances might not always escape my BPD emotional overload.

So... expect me to twist in these thorns a bit... okay?

- Spoons – HA HA HA!! Yeah FUCK YOU! Asshole mother-fucking spoons from fucking hell. (spits)

After WEEKS of complaining that I wasn't left with just that one –extra- spoon at the end of the day so that I could at least write, now I have to deal with this. (fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you)

ONE mother fucking spoon a day.

ONE

ONE SPOON.

Enough to get the blog posted, and then I'm damn fucking thankful that I have my trail mix and that my husband loves me, because fuck making it into the kitchen to even prepare food or managing to wash some stank off me in the shower.

Asshole mother-fucking godz damned piss sucking ass vomit spoons.

I hate you.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit -  

- Fur-babies – Fucking hell I wish that woman would stop drinking. She left me with a very upset Splotches for most of the day, and then when it could have been Dreamy time, I just could NOT deal with her drunk ass. Ugh.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Pfft!

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – I will absolutely hand it to him. I have so much more respect for him now. And I'm trying.

I swear I'm trying to be a better woman and a better wife, but to be honest... I'm not all the way sure about what he needs from me.

I'll keep working at it, though.

Today, the most loving thing I can do for him is take a damn shower, though.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  omg omg omg... so much swoon...  

She's starting to pull out of her tail spin, and she's doing it with so much beauty and grace.

We chatted a little last night and it helped me so much that she didn't ignore me. That she let me in a little. I know she's still hurting so very much, but she's at least willing to acknowledge the fact that I'm here for her instead of isolating and pushing me away.

Now, last night she was open. Open enough to tell me that she had more to tell me, but she needed sleep.

There was mention of a possible video chat today, just so she could tell me everything.

That may not happen. The darkness might have closed in on her again, or she may be working on this project that suddenly sprung up on her this morning.

It's okay... we still got SOMEWHERE!!

Slow progress is better than no progress.

- Pathfinder – He's safe in his new home and already loved by his new co-workers in his new career. I'm happy and proud of him.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – I'll say this.

He survived yesterday.

Probably just barley, but he got through it. I knew he was strong enough to deal, but I also know it was very stressful and draining for him.  

We're both hitting a 'critical mass' point where we're in dire need of the kind of comforts that only each other can bring.  

I was being vague with him about my drama last night and he finally pinned me down and demanded I tell him what the fuck was going on. So, I let him have it... all of it. All my hurt, all my confusion, all my desperate flailing to pull away from my emotions... and... it just about fucking crushed him.

Just as much as it crushed me that I wasn't there for him yesterday.

He was floored by how much pain I was taking and still managing to even remotely function, and I felt the same way about him.

Wonder Twins.  

We're both wounded animals right now. Both facing our own unique challenges that are going to fuck us right the hell up for a really long fucking time.

And we both know, with everything in us, that if we could just touch the other, we'd be able to offer that strength that the other so desperately needs.

Pay attention to that last line.

Note that neither of us is being needy here. We're both accustomed to soldiering on alone. We're used to being forced to just suck it the hell up. But, we're also both care givers who are madly, passionately, platonically in love with each other and we simply can NOT stand the thought of the other going through this shit alone. We need to reach out. We need to offer that support. We need to be the thing that the other can always lean on.

We need a fucking cuddle date already.

End Notes:  

I should probably point out that I'm not the least bit surprised that it only took me three to four days to wrap my brain around this latest mini-boss in the new game.

I know me pretty well.