Because You're Mine.

Those three words have been laser etched into my mind.

Especially in light of this mess/loss with the Blue Falcon. Those three words are something I desperately need right now.

Whether or not the Blue Falcon's abandonment of me is real or imagined, the pain is the same, the devastation is the same, the soul-sucking void in my heart where he used to be is the same...

... it's such a profound sense of emptiness.

Sometimes when I'm alone and just binging some Netflix (in the bedroom) I'll arrange the pillows in such a way that I can sort of curl into them, like a nest.

Yesterday I realized that this position mimics the sensation of me laying my head up against someone's chest. I can almost feel an arm wrapping around me and a hand rubbing my back. A determined thumb trying to get at that one knot by my shoulder blade.

Lately... that chest has been Cuddle Crush's...

... and those three words have been there...

... over and over again...

They bring me peace, those three words.

"Because your mine."

For a really long time now, I've wanted her to claim me. I've told her that I'm hers, but she never really acknowledged reception of that until now. It's so hard to articulate the emotion that acceptance flourishes in me.

It's like I can feel a small cage forming around my heart, but that cage isn't there to trap it, it's there to protect it. It’s an act of love.

There's this sense of safety and trust.

Also... what's the word? Belonging?

Like I'm supposed to be there. I'm supposed to be hers.

(deep breath)

I've known this on my end for a while now. I've accepted her as my Alpha. I've felt my connection to her as my Fated Mate. I know who she is to me and who I am to her.

I just wasn't sure if she knew... or if she accepted any of it as much as I did.

Then, those three words.

"Because you're mine."

And there it is... I'm claimed. I'm hers. She has me in her grip and she's not letting go.

Oh... fuck... it feels so good.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Can't wait for tomorrow. :)

- Spoons -  I don't know. I seem to be okay emotionally, but I stayed up way too late last night (I know, I know, BAD GIRL!) I guess I'm not really worried if the house is picked up right now and that would be the only thing. I gave up on anything creative a while ago.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Family:

- Bran -  Yesterday he brought me dinner when he got off of work and then we watched Alien Covenant. I guess we both thought it was okay. I kinda liked it. It answered some questions and brought some things to light.

His insomnia hit him hard last night. He was still awake at 5 am when I got up for water. I thought he'd fallen asleep without me.

I accidentally snoozed myself into an extra 45 minutes of sleep instead of just 15, and NOW he's crashed out on the sofa.

It's bittersweet.

I'm sad that I didn't get the cuddles.

I'm happy that I get to write in peace.

Don't tell him I said that. I try really hard to not be annoyed when he interrupts my writing. I try to focus on how much I love him and how much I should treasure my moments with him because they're about to be fewer and further between.

Fuck.

I'm going to miss him.

I really hope I've got a big enough cuddle bank balance before he's gone.

This is going to be so hard without him.

- Spawn -  Nothing new to report.

Sweeties:

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   Fuck me…

I just want to be in her arms, feeling her naked flesh pressing up against mine. I want to feel her fangs sinking into my throat and her claws dragging across my skin.

I still have to wait.

I have to wait for the exact same reasons as the words that bring me so much peace. Odd little paradox that is, don't you think?

She's not sharing me... and therefore she's blocked from having me.

It's a twist and a tangle.

She's working on it, though.

I'll be hers soon enough.

I have those three words to comfort me for now.

It's going to be okay.

  - Pathfinder -  Nothing new to report.

  - Never Enough -  Nothing new to report.

Cuddles

  - Metal-AF -  I'm a little worried about my guy here.

He's been staying up all night and then sleeping all day.

Not that I disprove of nocturnal behavior. I quite understand it really. I used to be nocturnal, I totally understand.

I just want to make sure he's awake enough to be with me on Tuesday.

  (potential(s)) # 1 So, even though I told him I was toying with the idea of naming him Red Falcon, he didn't really respond to it in any way, shape, or form, except to tell me that his hair really isn't red.

Hmm... okay.

I guess we move on from that then.

I got to chat with him a little bit yesterday. He was still enjoying some family time and his cold seems mostly done with him too.

I'm okay with it taking a while longer before we cuddle, but that's also going to be a while before his code name comes in.

Should I assign temporary code names that are better than 'potential' with a number slot that changes?

HEY, I have a random character name generator!!

NEW SYSTEM - TCN = Temporary Code Name

Potential #1 is now TCN:Oliver

There - something so silly it just might work!

Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Bran just came to bed, so I'm going to wrap up... not sure how long he's going to sleep or how that's going to impact the errands that we have to run today...

He needs the sleep, though.