I remember when I first left JerkDad... how broken I was... how ashamed. I had allowed myself to become a victim of abuse and even though I'd gotten out (with help) I had to leave my daughter behind to be raised by that asshole.
Forget self-esteem and self-worth. I was all about the guilt and the self-loathing.
And healers just came out of the fucking woodwork to help me. Beautiful men that touched me, body and soul, for hours while the worked on putting me back together. It took a while, but it all helped, and slowly over time they all faded back out as they'd seen their work had been done.
Then the best of them, Set, the one who had stayed with me the longest. Well, he broke me even worse than when he'd found me. He shattered that better, stronger me so hard that my mind literally splintered and now I have six personalities.
And that time, there was no one. I tried calling healers to me again, but they'd all abandoned me. It was just Bran and me, and Bran had no clue how to help me with that kind of grief and pain. Those were dark years... very dark years.
So far, this time has been a little weird. The chronology is just all jumbled. Events are beginning and ending within each other's timelines and it's all a little hard to track. I’m over Set because the Blue Falcon took care of that. I'm still broken by the events of 2016/17, but I'm also in recovery. Yet, even though I haven't managed to fully recover, I've somehow managed to level up, so now it's new challenges and new pain. And –fuck me- this shit HURTS. My emotions are all over the place and it is SO HARD to Goddess the fuck up and deal.
But... we've somehow come back full circle...
I’m not exactly calling fellow 'healers' to me this time, but the natural inclinations of the interactions that I'm experiencing are very healing for everyone involved. These cuddles become the vehicle for pain relief and therapeutic strength sharing. In short, we get each other through shit.
This gets even freaker if you take in to account that my first batch of healers was about 10 years ago... 10 years is a milestone.
It's so fascinating to pull back and see things from the greater perspective.
"I am not alone, Brothers give me your arms now." - I'm Alive, by Disturbed.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy – LOL, omg... it got brought up yesterday that occasionally Valkyrie does brag about me a tiny bit. She can't say much because she absolutely has to keep our sessions completely confidential. But, for example, whenever Supernatural comes up with her life partner and 'that client' gets mentioned, there is no doubt about who 'that client' is.
Or if she's in a social setting and someone is about to reveal some serious angst, they'll say something like 'this is totally crazy' or 'this is probably the weirdest thing you've ever heard' because deep down they fear some sort of rejection for having thoughts and feelings so far outside of the mainstream, but they feel the need to confess these things to her anyway. And she just gets this big ass smile on her face, every time, and she thinks of bat shit crazy little me. Then she listens to her friends wackiness while the image of me is floating in her mind and she's just thinking at her friend "Yup, uh-huh, top that!" - she already knows it doesn't matter what someone brings to the table, I'm a million times crazier and she can handle it.
So, there you have it. I've honed and strengthened her not only personally, but professionally as well. The kind of mental agility she has to have just to deal with me is amazing, and she's never let me down. Not even once. It's been like 3.5 years that we've been together. I've never had any therapist survive more than a year with me. Most I can burn out in 3-6 months before their too burned out to cope with me anymore. But my Valkyrie is a rock star. I'm so lucky to have her.
- Spoons – Hot damn, how the hell did I survive yesterday? Normally a day where I have to keep an appointment is also a 'go lay down' afterwards kind of day. And I did #NapAttack, but then Bran and I went shopping – 3 stores – picking up different food items that are specialties in different locations. And I actually feel pretty good today? (wtf?)
- Writing – I finally got my Goddess on enough to admit that the last scene of Claimed just wasn't going to resonate enough to let me write it. So, I shipped it off 'as-is'. Metal-AF has read it, and he LOVED it. He connected mostly to the emotion of the piece. The loving relationship between Cinn and Reece. I asked Cuddle Crush if she'd like to read it so she can gain insight into me as a submissive, and she said 'Yes, definitely'. And when I pulled that flash drive out of my pocket in front of Valkyrie, I thought she was going to pee her pants.
What does that say about me? My own therapist is one of my biggest fans.
- #YarnSlut – Nothing new to report.
- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
I don't know if it's possible for me to feel my body falling apart considering I was only really exercising one day a week. But, I can kinda feel my right hip getting weaker and taking the stairs is getting harder again. I really need to find a pool. :(
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – Despite the fact that I was cranky, I did enjoy shopping with him. I need to tell him that. I was just really upset about something else and I let that get in the way of spending quality time with him.
Stupid drama.
- The Unicorn – She called me last night for homework help. Apparently JerkDad wasn't doing so hot, and to be honest, I didn't do the greatest either. The assignment was for her to interview us about a time when we saw someone about to do the 'wrong thing' and we convinced them to do the 'right thing'. - and I just didn't have any examples on the spot, but Bran reminded me of the time that a friend of mine was in a bad/abusive relationship, and I convinced her to get out. She loved the fuck out of me for it. Felt like I saved her life. She's happily married with a child now. - it just didn't 'quite' fit the criteria of the Unicorn's assignment. They were looking for something more like 'you find a wallet with a hundred dollars in it on the ground' kind of thing.
On the spot, I didn't have anything like that, but she's going to try to make it work.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Sweeties -
Not really dating at this time.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - (facepalm) DAA – RAAMMAAAA!!!
Not my beautiful girl, she doesn't cause drama, she just attracts it. The fucked up thing is that this little cyclone of a drama monster has a bad fucking habit of hurting my girl, and right now I just want to cunt punt the little bitch so hard her ovaries come out her fucking nostrils.
Side Note: When this came to light last night, and I first got pissed, Bran was SO fucking proud of me for saying the words 'I want to cunt punt a bitch'. For some reason it just made his little heart light up with glee. LOL, my Hubbie, folks. This is the man who trained me to be the warrior that I am.
Anyway, I'm angry. Really fucking angry.
(sigh) And I can also, clearly see that my girl is hurting and confused about what to do next. (deep breaths) There's really no way around this. This could go badly for me. This could go bad in the way that Cuddle Crush is taken off the map for me. She won't abandon me... but she could be possessed enough to friend-zone me. And, to be honest, I've already lost all capacity to be impartial in this matter. This toxicity is affecting her very adversely, and it's bleeding through to me.
It's making my situation with Cuddle Crush just toxic enough that I might have to turn away from her for a while. She's going to need time and space to grow and learn from this toxic relationship, and I can't just stand there and watch her suffer, crying my eyeballs out while I wait for her to notice how much I love her and that I would never hurt her like that.
Last night I sensed her pulling away too. And I told her as much.
She told me she was pulling away from everyone because she needed time to think, which I'd kinda guessed at already.
So, I told her I love her, I still won't abandon her, but I'm backing off to give her some space. I told her to just do her... She's got to make her own decisions.
Don't get me wrong. My heart is shattering right now, but this is out of my hands.
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
And here we go – this full circle thing – these are my guys - just the two of them so far and I'm not feeling compelled to add more at the moment – but, I know that I can if I need to.
- Metal-AF – I can vent like hell at him, and he just soaks it up like a champ. The love and support I feel from him is damn near approaching legendary... it's so fucking magnificent. I told him to have everything ready to go for Saturday. I told him to NOT have me on 'standby' but to be fully primed, pumped, and all things in place to make cuddles happen.
I strongly doubt Cuddle Crush is coming to me. Especially in light of recent shit. She's going to need some serious Cuddle Crush time, and that's okay.
I'm going to need some serious Metal-AF time, and dammit, I'm going to get it.
(Potential(s)) I’m really going to need a code name for this guy soon, lol. He's just so fucking awesome. I can't wait to meet him in person and start exchanging these vibes. We have a lot of energy to share and a lot of healing to offer each other. I should probably stop being so vague with him about things too. He's earned the right to know who's who and I know I can trust him.
I am really looking forward to this.
End Notes:
Bottom line, I need to start thinking of myself more here.
Cuddle Crush is doing her... and that's fine... that's what she SHOULD be doing. But fuck this waiting in the wings crap. There's a vast gulf of separation between not giving up on her and impatiently waiting for her to choose me while it kills me inside every single mother-fucking day. I'll never abandon her, but I can stay in her life without being directly involved.
I have to start doing me.
I’m no good to her if I let this shit keep hurting me to the point where I'm a broken mess getting weaker and weaker by the moment.
I'm going to get some fucking cuddles. I'm going to rebuild my strength reserves. I'm going to exchange some very high-end healing vibes with my guys. I'm going to go back to being a whole person and I'm going to go back to being a force of nature, full-on, Goddess Mode, BITCH. (but, I'll still bake cookies and shit)
If she wants to keep looking the other way for a good long while... well, I think I'll have no trouble finding good people to keep me company in the meantime.
Now, I want to make it abundantly clear that I am NOT ANGRY AT CUDDLE CRUSH. I still love that sassy bitch to fucking death. I'm angry at the toxicity that's poisoning her. I'm angry that I might half to walk away for a bit just for the sake of my own sanity.
But, the truth is, my sanity is at stake here. And I’m not letting this shit break me anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment