... okay is in limited supply right now.

Let's all give a big cheer for the joys of Mini-Meltdowns!

Except not.

(scowl)

Now, If I take my own advice – there's a trigger in there – and now it's my job to dig until I find the slippery little fucker so I can kill it with fire.  

This usually takes a few days, and it's an uncomfortable process, but it's pretty damned streamlined compared to how long it takes the average person to decode their triggers.

So... I can't go into full details here...  

Something happened on Cuddle Crush's end. I noticed she was off and I asked if she was okay, only to find out that she was far from okay. That right there hurt like hell. I don't even know how long she'd been in pain before I noticed and asked.

I've told her, over and over again, that I'm always here for her, and that I will help her work through shit. And she didn't even think to come to me and tell me something was wrong? She didn't trust me enough to share her pain and to try to help her? I guess she's one of those types that isolates or pushes people away when she needs them the most?

So... I did my level best to talk her down... and then... ugh... in the process of trying to comfort her, I tried to let her know that she's not alone, and that I'm struggling with my Borderline Personality Disorder too.

Then I got right the hell fucking all out stupid and confessed my every insecurity about how my daily struggle is a constant war with my fears of abandonment over losing her. And it takes every ounce of my strength, every day, not to be all needy with her and beg her to pander to my insecurities.

And then I didn't shut up.

Oh no...

I had to drive just one more nail in that guilt trip coffin.

I brought it right back around to how HER struggle made MY struggle even worse.  

Oh yeah...  

… that fucking happened.

… just go on and blame the fucking victim.

Fuck  

Me.

Then I went and cried it out with Bran. This time I actually told him before I went into it that I didn't need advice, I just needed him to listen. He listened, he hugged, and then he went all sweet on me and offered to go get me comfort food.   

And I felt better.

And then I tried to work damage control.

I sent her a long message apologizing for my meltdown and telling her that what she's going through is okay, and that I don't blame her for any of it. I don't hold anything against her and that her process is her process. I told her that I still love her, every damaged and broken piece, still lying on the floor, and that's not going to change.  

I tried to ease her mind of my expectations of her.

No reply, of course.

And now, of course, I have no idea what to do.

Do I message her and check in on her? Do I leave her alone?

(sigh)

She's told me many times in the past that she's a very laid back person and given me the parameters on what she would consider to be unacceptable behavior. So, I'm pretty sure she'll forgive my meltdown.  

I just want her to be okay... and...

… okay is in limited supply right now.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – So, now we dig. Where the fuck is this trigger? Feelings of neglect? Maybe? My ex really used to love torturing me with neglect. It could be helplessness too. Someone I love is in pain and right now there's nothing I can do about it...

(thinking)

No... now that I work at it a little bit, neglect seems to come out on top of that thought process.  

The neglect is a big part of my insecurities when it comes to the neediness for attention and the fear of abandonment. Sometimes Cuddle Crush will go for long periods where she doesn't respond to messages or just doesn't talk to me at all, and that's where that constant war in my mind is happening.

Part of me wants to back the fuck off and just let her live her life, because that's what she needs to be doing and I KNOW that. I've expressly told her to live her life and not worry about me more than once (and then I go all feeling neglected – brilliant fucking move – way to stir up the internal conflict – dissociate much?)

And the other part of me is staring at her with great big anime eyes and saying 'notice me Alpha!'  

Okay. I get it now.

My trigger, my responsibility.  

(gets the blowtorch)

- Spoons – I actually made damn sure I got sleep last night – LOL – and now I'm in post-meltdown recovery. FUCK! This. Is. Not. Happening.

- Writing – This sex scene is just never going to get written. It's going to hang there like a booger on a toddler's nose indefinitely.  

- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 29 minutes, 4x awake, 10x restless, 32 minutes awake/restless - not that it fucking matters today.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Because guess what else?! - I woke up to discover that my uterus had committed seppuku 5 days early this time.

FIVE. MOTHER. FUCKING. DAYS.

The earliest my uterus has ever committed seppuku has been 3 days... so, there, we get one more reason why my emotional regulators were completely offline yesterday. Only three hours of sleep, plus the hormonal equivalent of Chernobyl.  

And she got hit with all that fallout.

I am a miserable fucking excuse for a human being.

I don't deserve her.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – He has a hard time with emotions. He fucking sucks at emotional validation. In the past I would just push him away when I was hurting over some other lover because it a) seemed so fucking useless, and b) I didn't want to hurt him by making him feel unimportant because I was upset about someone else.

See the twists there?

Anyway.  

Last night I took all that unhealthy 'push away' and I shut it the fuck down. I don't really even know what made me do it, but I don't regret the fact that I did. He was checking in me, and I was crying, and I asked him to sit down. I told him that I just needed him to listen. No advice. Just listen. And then I barred my soul to him. He even helped me talk it out a little bit, clarifying my feelings with me. He was absolutely fucking perfect.  

Then there were hugs, because he's awesome like that.

And then he came up with this brilliant master plan to drive out, in the snow, at 11 mother-fucking O'clock at night, just to get me comfort food. He came back with my favorite Greek salad and my absolute fucking favorite brownie bites.

He even browsed horror movies just to cheer me up. It was too late at night to make renting a movie worth it, but I'm pretty sure he's coming home with IT today.  

It's our 10-year anniversary today, by the way.

How's that for celebrating? LOL – a comfort horror movie while I still work through my issues.

Because in the last 10-years, the one thing this man has never done was give up on me, and believe me – I gave him PLENTY of reasons to. There were a LOT of times when I looked the other way and ignored the love that was right in front of me.

I'm not ignoring him anymore.

I'm fucking learning from him.

I'm learning how to not give up on someone.

Yeah... it's going to be a long road... it's taken me 10-years to realize that he's never given up on me. I mean, yeah, there was that brief interlude where he stopped protecting me, and that fucking sucked ass. But, even during that time, if I got upset about some other asshole breaking my heart, he still would have been upset for me and said some gruff words about telling me to tell the fucker off.

He's still not protecting me, but I don't need him to. I'm on top of that shit.  

I do love it that he's showing me that he's not given up on me, though. I didn't realize how much I needed that before last night.

Now I just need to make sure that I appreciate the hell out of him for that.

And... srsly... in very recent days I have been quoted in saying that Bran wouldn't understand romanticism if it bit him in the dick...

… this is the same man who just nosedived straight for the horror movie section when I had my meltdown...

… that's the most romantic fucking thing that's ever happened to me...

… ever.

- The Unicorn – Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  Not gonna lie, I'm a fucking mess. She's a fucking mess. I know that deep down she needs me to not give up on her. I know that deep down I feel like I don't even deserve her and that I don't deserve to be happy with her.

Somehow I've got to fight through my bullshit and be what she needs.

Somehow I've got to read between the lines and figure out what the fuck it is that she even needs.

Back off? Message every ten minutes until she messages back? Tell her I love her? Tell her she's strong? Cry with her? Tell her it's okay to not be okay? What? What is it Cuddle Crush? What the fuck do you need from me?  

(breaks down and fucking cries again)

(cries a lot)

(sighs)

My instinct is to protect her.

My instinct will always be to protect her, to ease her pain, to save her from any suffering.

--

What if protecting her is the wrong thing?

What if this is another bottom she needs to hit?

Dammit...

If it is, then it happened a lot sooner than I was expecting.

And the only thing I can do is let her hit it.

I just have to remind her that I'm still here.

She'll notice me eventually.

- Pathfinder – Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – I figured out our connection last night. Metal-AF is my Wonder Twin.  

The more we get to know each other the more we're going to find thought processes and abilities that mesh together. Not 'exactly' the same, but just different enough to where we will be an extension of each other when we combine. Strong on our own. Stronger together. Capable of helping people face their own challenges and inspiring the growth of others.

We're going to fucking light this shit on fire.

End Notes:  

My heart hurts.

I'm going to let my husband comfort the hell out of me today.