I can mourn without suffering.

So, I’m sitting here... drinking my coffee... trying to gauge where my head and my heart are at today.

(deep breaths) Where are we?

This is abandonment... the most feared thing. (deep breath) But, it's also the most common thing.

We know this pain. This isn't new. There's no learning curve here. Every path of this map has been walked more times than we can count.

We've grieved the loss of someone still alive... many times.

--

So, there it is.  

I’m not saying it doesn't hurt. It's fucking excruciating.  

It's just that it's also something I've proven I can survive. I don't need to prove that to myself or to anyone else ever again. I can mourn without suffering.

And you can bet your ass I'm going to mourn. I just lost half of myself. I just lost my Wonder Twin. This is a 'single rose left on the grave every day for the rest of my life' level kind of mourning. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't have to justify that shit to anyone.

Thing is... this is mine... this is my loss to mourn, and as previously stated, I can do it without suffering.  

I had my day to fall apart. I had my day to post shit on Facebook and gather the sympathies of friends. I had one hell of a comfort food meal and a movie cuddle with Bran. I know I'm loved and I know who's going to rise up and be there for me when tragedy strikes. I had my day to grieve, and now that's done.

I'm good.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – I feel bad for Valkyrie. She was so excited about Metal-AF being in my life. She's seen me go through a lot and she knows how rare connections like that are for me. We both knew that one day I was just going to show up for our session with Metal-AF by my side. She was so looking forward to meeting him.

It's going to break her heart to learn that he's gone.

- Spoons – I blew off a lot of things yesterday... justifiably, of course. I'll try to get on top of them today.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- #YarnSlut - Nothing new to report.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – He really just isn't the kind of guy who will comfort a girl with cuddles. Which is difficult, because cuddles are my go-to need when I'm hurt. (sigh) He's also proving to be a pretty suck ass soundboard too... which really sucks too, but... whatever. Those just aren't his strengths.  

Bran makes up for it in other ways.  

Comfort sex? - Can I get a quite literal 'fuck yeah!'

Driving to – I don't even know how many stores – in a blizzard – just to make sure that I had the comfort food that I was craving? Yeah, he did that. Lunds makes these steaming bags of salmon with veg and potatoes and they're fucking awesome. 4 minutes in the microwave and it's the most delicious dinner you can imagine. He got to Lunds 11 minutes after they closed.

He fucking found me salmon.  

It wasn't the Lunds steamer, but it was a very well-seasoned salmon and it brought friends. It came home with garlic mashed potatoes, brownie bites, and strawberry swirl cheesecake.

Yeah... Bran is all about the 'I will go out in a raging snowstorm and bring you things to appease you' kind of comfort. And you know what? That's him! And it's more than good enough.

He never makes me question whether or not I'm loved or supported. I just need to look for it in the way he expresses his love languages, not mine.

I can do that. :)

That's more than in my skill set.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  One of the greatest tools a Borderline has at their disposal is the love of a project to distract oneself from the harsh reality of overwhelming emotions. This blog is a great distraction and writing it yesterday, choosing the artwork, getting it posted...  

I was experiencing technical difficulties... and it was a LONG ASS entry... so it was taking forever... and I knew the breakdown was just barely being held back by that wall.

So, about the time I was getting it posted, I felt those first cracks forming.

I messaged Cuddle Crush immediately.  

I warned her that some fucked up shit might find its way to Facebook and I preemptively reassured her that it had nothing to do with her. She asked what was going on, and I spilled.

I felt her love and her support wrap around me like a cloak. I felt her shielding me. I felt her protecting me. I felt her soothing me. I felt *her*.

(warm sigh) This long-distance thing between us is going to become an in-person thing sometime in the soon'ish... and we have a lot to give each other. I'm looking forward to that day when we get to start sharing our lives with each other.

We have so much to unravel...

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - I'm giving serious consideration to not doing movie night tonight.

(sigh) - under the circumstances... I'm not sure how I'd feel about sitting next to someone who used to be my greatest cuddle buddy and emotional support, knowing that he just isn't that for me anymore.

There's just so much distance between us now.

He said he'd always be in my life, but the truth is, he's moved on.

I think the truth is, I was moving on too.

How can I sit next to him, knowing that the only thing I'll want is his naked, scrawny body pressed up against mine with those pale arms wrapped around me? How can I be in that same space knowing I'll only end up craving the way he used to kiss my forehead when he was inside me?

(sigh) Yeah... it would be a bad idea to attempt movie night. It would just end up being me hanging out with him, hoping I would feel some sort of connection with him again... it would do more harm than good right now.  

----Edit during proofread----

Um um um... scratch that... oh shit!

Uh... the Blue Falcon just told me that he's suddenly found himself 'between girlfriends', and it was always the agreement that we could be Sweeties again any time he wasn't seeing someone.

He just offered 'cuddles or more' if I was interested.

Omg omg omg...  fuck. Um... okay. He's picking me up in a few hours.

Don't panic! Deep breaths, girl. Deep breaths.

Ahhhhhh!

(lil'squee)

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – Hi, sweetheart.  

I hope you still read this. I hope that some part of you is still compelled to check in on me and see how I'm doing without you.

I keep wondering what I did wrong. I keep wondering what could possibly be so catastrophic that it could cause you to turn you away from me.

I fucking hope to hell that you're okay, no matter what.

I love you so fucking much, and I miss you more than words can express.

Just... be safe... wherever you are.

- Bright Star – Yeah, we need to clear a few things up here!  

He had shit to work through. Okay? And that was him. All on his end. Nothing to do specifically with me and how much of a basket case I am despite how compelled I was to internalize it and take it personally. You gotta remember, I fucking internalize everything and take it personally. Sometimes it takes a little bit to realize that It's NOT ME!! (for fuck's sake)

Losing Metal-AF the way I did.. It knocked me way the fuck off balance and I panicked the hell out of losing Bright Star too.

But, it's not up to me, because it's not on me.

All I can do is suck it the fuck up and offer to help Bright Star work through his shit. It's what a good friend should do. I’m not going to let anything get in the way of my being a good friend here. I'm more than strong enough to –not- make this about me, and it should never have diverged to being about me for a second, and I deeply regret my 'off balance' from yesterday. Hopefully, it's forgivable.  

I'm fine now.

I got this.

End Notes:  

I don't really know what the landscape of moving on from this looks like, yet...  

(deep breath) … and, to be honest, I'm not even really sure that I should.

I think I should just take some time to breathe through this for a while.

Damn...

This would be a perfect time to go manic about the knitting again.

----EDIT----

And I'm going to fucking get some cuddles and more today!

So, fuck this feeling bad about myself shit!

I have people that love me.

I fucking HAVE people who want to walk this world by my side.

Anyone who doesn't can suck it.