One way or another, this is going to balance out.

The hardest part about this new set of challenges is the lack of emotional disconnect. It's getting harder and harder to pull back and take the high ground. It's getting harder and harder to keep my focus on the long game. It's getting harder and harder to see the full map and plan my moves. And fuck being able to plan them carefully.

Instead I find myself acting more and more 'in the moment' and just trying to survive from one breath to the next.  

And it fucking sucks.  

The physical sensation of the hole that's been dug out of my chest with a rusty auger. The little rages of jealousy over stupid shit. The constant pull of my insecurities promising me that this isn't going to work out and that I'm going to be abandoned, again.  

That's one side of it. That's the emotional side. That's the Borderline side. That's where all my logic pins all the guilt, shame, and self-loathing...

Because the other side of me... the logical side, the side that can think rationally about all of this? That side of me knows with perfect clarity that she's going through a lot right now. She's likely to push me away right when she needs me the most. She's likely to emotionally disinvest, because she's anticipating that I will abandon her too.  

So, here we stand, the wounded healer. Trying so hard to splint her beautiful wings, while at the same time, mine aren't just breaking too, they're shattering.

The answer then, of course, is how to regain my footing on the high ground, focus on the long game, and see that full map again.

I'm going to have to work harder and harder, every day, to keep pulling back and emotionally disinvesting, while at the same time doing my best to maintain contact with her so that she doesn't feel like I'm walking out on her too.

OMG...

This is... hard.  

Wow.

Most of this turns to upping my Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance games.  

Be present. Focus on what's right in front of me. Stop obsessing over her. Stop being so fucking twitterpated and longing for her touch every second of every day.  

Work on adding mantra's that pull everything into focus more, reminding me to take my position where I belong. So far, we've got 'Support, don't save', and the new one 'Agony for Assholes'.  

That last one is the daily reminder that I'm the protagonist in some cosmic dick head's Paranormal Romance novel, and that the readers demand that I suffer.  

(grumble bitch)

Fuckers.

Beyond that I need my distractions. So, I need to work on getting some spoons so that I can put my mind on other projects. That sex scene is going to have to get shelved. I can't write that for her right now. That would be putting the focus too much on her at the moment and right now I need to pull away.  

So, I think I'm going to FORCE myself to #YarnSlut today... I might only get a row or two in, but I need to try to reboot my mania there.

And then there's cuddles.

My inner succubus is still focused on bonding with her, so there's no desire to become sexually active with anyone but Bran, but we still need a fuck-ton of masculine energy to feed from. That will bulk up our energy and strength reserves, grant spoons, and in general level me out emotionally.

Miraculously, I have Metal-AF, and we're sorting out the details on some regular feeding times. The less I'm starving for contact, the less emotionally scattered I'm going to be.

OMG...

You have no idea how hard all of this is.

I regret nothing. I love her so fucking much, and I'm proud of myself for advancing and leveling up.

But... it is … very challenging... and I can feel my mental/emotional exhaustion from trying to maintain against my mental illness in this battle.

I might need to start sleeping in some days.

One way or another, this is going to balance out.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy - (sigh) Exactly.

- Spoons – I'm back to enough spoons to at least handle administrative tasks. I need to force some #YarnSlutting, though.

- Writing – Spoons are going to be in short supply. I don't want to write. I'm not there. I'm too fucked up. Anything I write would be about her and that would be the exact polar opposite of what I need to be doing. So, this is going to have to be allocated and FORCED to the yarn.

- #YarnSlut – Yup.

- Fur-babies – Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Magic Hippo Dance – My right hip is starting to go weak on me again... I fucking need a pool godz dammit.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – As much as I might whine a little about certain shortcomings. There are areas where Bran NEVER lets me down.  

I realized last night that there is such a thing as 'Active Cuddling', and that Bran doesn't do it. When I told him that, he completely agreed. I also asked him if he's okay with my cuddle buddies and he reassured me that he's fine. I was very passionate about telling him to TELL ME if he's ever not okay. I can't let this be another Set situation. I can't have Bran feeling unloved or unappreciated. I just can't.

He seems to have figured out that the depression was kicking my ass before I did. Because he's fucking brilliant like that. He doesn't even tell me when he perceives these changes in me. He just does what he has to in order to compensate for where I might lack in my self-care.

In this case, he noticed that I wasn't eating.

I was getting HUNGRY, but food just wasn't appealing to me.

So, he's been going out of his way, and spending more than I'm worth, to come home with healthy as fuck, high protein meals for me. Meals that are easily prepared and require next to no effort out of me.  

Last night he found me a 'fish pack'.  

It's MARKET FRESH fish and veg in a self-steaming, plastic pack, that you nuke in the microwave for like four minutes and BAM, it's dinner. Last night it was salmon with carrots and fingerling potatoes. There was even a lemon wedge in there, and the steaming process literally infused EVERYTHIG  with lemon. It was SO fucking good! HAPPY TUMMY!!

So, really, this man DOES know how to feed and care for his little love monster.

--

Also, libido in hyperdrive. I cuddle seduced my way to some Mo last night too. (squee)

- The Unicorn - We disengaged for a little bit yesterday. She wanted to do her own thing for a bit. It was great. I took a nap!! I needed it too. She's amazing.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  Back off enough to give space. Stay close enough to be activated when needed. Get frustrated over the fact that she hasn't asked for/needed me yet. Remember that she's probably pushing me away because of her own insecurities. Remind myself not to give up. Message her the reminder that I won't give up. Get ignored... back off enough to give space, stay close enough to...

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – I really don't know what else I can say here that I haven't gushed the fuck out of already. He went from a dating profile to one of the most predominantly important, chosen family members in my life in like, record speed. And, more to the point, he wanted to. Because he needed the same out of me.

That's the important bit right there. The reciprocity. The equal measures of love, devotion, and passion that we feel for each other. The way he puts just as much effort into me as I do into him.

The last person that happened with? That was Bran, and look where that got us?

Bran was the first person, ever, to give me reciprocity. And for the longest time, he was the only.

Now I have it again, and it feels really fucking good to know that I'm loved. To have that reassurance EVERY DAY that I'm loved. To not have to ask for it, to not secretly want to beg for it, to not have to hold back any insecurities wondering if it's really there or not.

With him, I don't need to question whether or not he's in my life or out.  

He's a solid, immovable object in the center of my walls. He stands right next to me in that place where I am at my most vulnerable.  

That place that I offered to her.

That place that she still has yet to claim.

I have a guardian, a protector. I have someone watching over me again. I have my rock, my standing stone, my one safe port in the storm again.

I wish with my whole heart that it was still Bran, but we all know what happened and how badly I treated him when that was his job.  

It's better this way.

I can appreciate them both better this way.

(sigh) and as for her?

I guess you could say that Metal-AF is keeping me warm for her?

He's keeping me safe, he's holding me together, he's helping me to remain strong for her.

I don't even have the words to express what a gift that is to me...

LOL, and I guess I had some Metal-AF gushing to do after all, lol.

End Notes:  

Eh... fuck...  

I kinda wish I didn't get out of bed today. I'm 2/3 of the way through coffee and I already feel like I need a nap...  

I'm tired.

I'm mentally and emotionally drained.

I just have to hold it together for one more day. There will be cuddles tomorrow.