I think I'd rather just shut down for a while. (again)

I think that one of the biggest pitfalls of giving and receiving compassion is that if it's not coming from the source that someone wants it to come from, it doesn't penetrate the membrane of indifference that can surround a person's pain.

The frequency just isn't right. The wavelength is off. The song just sounds like static ringing in one's ears.

The sad truth is, nothing can take away the pain but the person we are really missing. Nothing can sooth that hurt more than the cause of that hurt. No matter what caused that separation, only a closing of that rift will make it feel right again.

So, what do we do when someone else clearly burns that bridge and makes it clear that there is no option for reconciliation?

How are we supposed to cope when we still feel the raw, frayed ends of that connection, like a freshly severed limb, and there's no chance of reattachment?

How do we let go?

How do we heal?

How do we move on?

Most importantly, how do we find the sense of wholeness necessary to trust ourselves enough to try forming other connections again?

Yeah...

That last part. Not so much. Not me. Not again. Not for a while at least.

It took me 6 years to come back out of my shell and then the first two friends I made both destroyed me in the span of a single weekend.

The pain is... (deep breaths)... I don't even want to finish that sentence.

(shakes head) I don't know what will need to happen to make me dare enough to trust again.

I think I'd rather just shut down for a while. (again)

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  I still don't relish the sadness of reporting all of this to Valkyrie. I think she was very proud of me for coming to the epiphany that I hadn't been making friends. And now I'll be so guarded again. I'm not sure what either of us will want to do about that.

- Spoons -  Nothing new to report.

- Writing -  Nothing new to report.

- #YarnSlut -  Nothing new to report.

- Fur-babies -  Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran -  As soon as I told Bran that Bright Star had dumped me too, he barreled straight for Lunds&Byerley's to not get me one, but two salmon packs. So, I had comfort salmon for dinner last night too. For which I'm insanely grateful.

Beyond that, I'm sad to say that Bran seems to feel very confused and lost. It's clear that he knows I'm in pain and that he doesn't know the first thing about how to ease it. He's withdrawing from me. He won't even cuddle.

I just realized, as I was typing this, that I need to put on a brave face for him. (sigh) Fuck...

He's outside my walls and he has no idea what to do with me anymore (if he ever did).

Dammit.

I guess my tears really are just my own now.

I have no one close to me who's even remotely capable of holding me or soothing my pain. I'm totally alone in this.

Maybe I always was.

- The Unicorn -  Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

  - Blue Falcon - Okay, so this is my one saving grace here. If things work out I get to see the Blue Falcon today, and for the time being, we will be resuming our Sweetie'ship.

You all know what a tremendous emotional support he was to me while Bran was gone last year. I think that if I explain my needs for Active Cuddling to assist in my recovery process, he might be willing to spend more time with me again.

I want to help him too. I'm not sure if he's hurting or not, but I want to be there for him if he his.

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   We're okay. I know she's there. She was justifiably upset when Metal-AF left me, but she seemed more withdrawn when I told her about Bright Star. It's okay, she was probably just preoccupied with her own stuff at that time.

I'm letting it go for now. We'll tap in when one of us feels like it.

  - Pathfinder -  Nothing new to report.

  - Never Enough -  Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

- Heart Breakers -  

  - Metal-AF -  Hey, hun. I created a separate space just for you:

https://metal-af.blogspot.com

  - Bright Star -  Okay, here's the full update so you know what the fuck happened here:

There was the full Saturday of nothing, as we had agreed upon. And then, last night, somewhere in the 5 pm range, he messaged me. It started with small talk, and then he told me that he was still conflicted about Friday.

What else could I do but try to be sympathetic and pull it out of him? I had to make it about him and not about me, right? I had to show him that I'm not completely self-involved.

Right... and then it all came down to reassuring phrases like 'you did nothing wrong, but' - and then the whammy. Another giant,  sucking chest wound... because I had so much chest left after losing Metal-AF, right?

Yeah, not so much.

"It's not you, it's me, I was miserable the entire time I was with you."

(dick punch to the feels dick punch to the feels dick punch to the feels)

(deep breaths)

(more deep breaths)

How the fuck am I breathing without lungs here?

I tried to keep us close... I really did... I tried to tell him that we could still be friends and I could still try to help him work through stuff. He said that really wouldn't work for him either.

No, this was a clean cut.

I get it.

It sucks.

But, I get it.

I don't hate him or anything. If anything I still love him and I still want all the best for him. When I read between the lines, I see deep pain and intimacy issues. I see a past that still haunts him and I see a long road in his recovery process. My only hope for him now is that he does find someone who can break through his barriers and get him to give and receive love again.

I do love him enough to really want that for him.

It's just that I really wanted things to go the exact opposite of the way that they actually went.

I wanted his confusion to fall in line with mine. I wanted inappropriate sexual attraction between platonic cuddle buddies. I wanted connection. I wanted intensity. I wanted fire.

I wanted his conflict to have been him fighting the urge to kiss me while I was soft touching him.

I wanted him to want me back.

That's what's so fucking hard about twitterpation sometimes. It really doesn't matter how much you want that connection. Sometimes it just isn't reciprocated. Sometimes they don't want you back.

(sigh)

It's okay. I can own the fuck out of this. I have no problem letting Bright Star go.

I am going to keep his section alive for just a little bit longer, though. I'm still expecting to need to process some additional emotions here and I don't want to shut him down just yet.

Also, in Bright Star's defense, he fucking HATED having to hurt me like that. Being the second person to rip me to shreds in a single weekend weighed very heavily on him.

He wasn't beating himself up. He knew he was doing what was best for him, but he's still a good person and being the cause of someone else's pain still tore him up something fierce.

So... I'm putting on one hell of a mother-fucking brave face for him.

I won't let him see me break.

My tears are mine.

I owe him that much.

End Notes:  

I guess I'm putting up a lot of false fronts. For Bran, for Bright Star... for everyone really.

It's useless to share the pain anyway.

Only someone who is inside my walls could possibly soothe me... right now that's only one person. It's just Cuddle Crush and she's not coming to me any time soon, and more to the point she's got a mountain of her own shit to sort through.

The Blue Falcon... maybe.

It still very much remains to be seen what the emotional landscape of our re-ignited Sweetie'ship will look like now.

Til then...

#Unbreakable.