I'm really not sure what time Bran finally let us go to sleep last night, but it was late enough (in the wee hours enough) that I was already mostly asleep next to him.
Granted, my body was processing a pound of fresh salmon cooked all nommable with artisan butter and asparagus. So, there was food coma’ing.
Still, it was pretty late/early - and I can't actually go to 'real sleep' until he does because I require my meds, which have a very narrow window in which I can fall asleep with. So, I have to be in sync with him, or I don't sleep at all because I'll have missed that time window.
As it stands, I snoozed my alarm for an hour this morning... and I still feel like hell. Total sandpaper behind my eyelids.
This is going to be one of those days where I bust my ass to get the entry posted, and then I'm going to go collapse after that. I do have to get my INR checked today, but other than that, I'm binging Netflix, end of story.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - Yeah, it was interesting watching the expressions on her face as I moved through the update.
I took it in a day-by-day - carefully expanding on each blow, as it hit. By day four of the update, she was going out of her mind.
The way she saw it, Saturday the 14th was the worst because things were only okay'ish with Cuddle Crush because still wobbly on her end. Then things were also wobbly with Bright Star. And then my one point of stability that was keeping me standing amidst all the wobbly just took his support away. When I woke up and realized Metal-AF was gone… I was done for.
She's right... my world caved in... and that was only day 4 of a 7-day update.
I think I almost killed her.
- Spoons - Nothing new to report.
- Writing - Valkyrie did read what I have of Claimed, and she loved the fuck out of it, despite the unfinished'ness of it. She said it still got the point across, and the point was insight into my mind as a submissive.
She very accurately pointed out that for me, BDSM//D/s isn't a kink or a fetish... I'm not necessarily there because I like it. For me, it's all about having the right partner and then using it as a vehicle to reprogram my brain to overcome my trauma's through love and pain combined.
She pointed out that it was very clear, even during the scene, that Reece was the one very much in control the whole time.
In the story, Cinn had learned everything she knew about being a truly 'Loving Dominant' from Reece.
I wonder how Cuddle Crush will absorb that information when she finally reads it.
- #YarnSlut - I -almost- took my yarn with me yesterday. (sigh) so close, yet so far.
- Fur-babies - We were able to coax Dreamy in for a nap with me. I needed the downtime too.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
Nothing new to report.
Family:
- Bran - Not a lot here... we went grocery shopping yesterday, which resulted in my pound of salmon. Then there was the gaming into the wee hours and my resulting lack of sleep.
He almost has what he needs to begin traveling.
This doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to, and I know it's because I have Metal-AF in my life now. It's like, with him around, I can face just about anything.
I couldn't permanently lose Bran and/or Cuddle Crush and be okay. Those bonds are too strong. But, Metal-AF would hold me together until my bones set right again.
I know Bran needs to leave.
And more to the point, I know that this time, he needs me to be fully supportive of his leaving. I need to show him that I'm not totally self-involved and that I'm behind him for once. I need to show him that we're in this together.
--
So tired -- losing train of thought here. Sorry for being so 'all over the place.'
- The Unicorn -
Sweeties:
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - I've been leaving her alone for the most part... I'm not really sure why, but I don't think about immediately tapping in with her first thing in the morning. I just think about the blog entry and try to get it out of the way first, and then I'll tap in with her.
Some mornings she beats me to the tap, though. And that's pretty fucking awesome, I gotta say.
I love it when she messages first.
--
Ugh... my coffee is sitting like lead in my tummy...
This isn't good.
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Cuddles
- Metal-AF - It is very difficult to articulate the sensation of what it's like to have him back.
One would think we're rather unhealthy and in a very codependent relationship, except for the fact that we're both in healthy, stable, long-term relationships away from each other.
But there's definitely a sense of wholeness, down to the level of 'absolutely can not live without.' It's this pure knowledge that we belong together. That we were meant to face things together.
You can research the lore yourself. I call him my Wonder Twin. But, the fancy New Agers have a different term.
They've been calling it Twin Flames for a while now.
Unfortunately, knowledge of Twin Flames is scattered and not ‘exact’. There are a lot of conflicting opinions on what exactly denotes a Twin Flame, but Metal-AF and I seem to fit.
I still like Wonder Twin Better.
Friends:
- Blue Falcon - I continue to be -very- happy that we spent some time together on Monday. I feel like those cuddles are sustaining me until I can reunite with Metal-AF on Friday.
And... omg, the sex was so good.
- Bright Star - I'm getting really close to shutting this section down... I feel like Bright Star and I are on good terms now. I just really want to check in on him one more time or get him responding in kind to a post I put up in the group.
The only thing preventing the latter is that lately, I've been either a) too emotionally on edge, or b) too fucking exhausted.
But, once I have either a brief, casually social, good conversation or a quick exchange in group, then I'll know we're good. Then I can let it go because I know that we'll be okay.
Not friends.
But, okay.
End Notes:
OMFG - I’m tired.
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