So far I'm having another okay day...

I was actually okay yesterday.  

I didn't get cuddles and I had fewer spoons than I would have liked, but despite those things, my emotional regulators were fully online and I wasn't a blubbering mess of tears. I wasn't getting dick punched in the feels every five minutes. I was, actually, legitimately, okay.

I'm still aware that I'm not done being challenged. I'm still aware that there are going to be a lot more bad days in the future where my emotions are going to suck. But, yesterday was a good day.

Yesterday I was fully accepting the fact that I’m the protagonist in some cosmic ass hat's paranormal romance novel. Also, I did this shit to myself. I'm the one who threw down the gauntlet and told the gods that they couldn't hurt me anymore. I was the one that told them that nothing they could do to me now could ever be worse than anything they've put me through in the past. I was the one who stopped fearing the pit.

For fucks sake.

Next time I gain that kind of confidence, someone shut me the fuck up before I do something stupid like that again?

(pause)

I’m closing my eyes and taking deep breaths.  

I'm starting off okay with today too.  

My heart is all twisted in knots and thorns, and yet, today that only gives me the awareness that I've been lucky enough to find someone like her.

I’m fucking strong as hell.

I don't even fear my own soulmate walking out on me anymore.  

I know I can survive solitude. I know I can survive without love. I know I can survive.

So, to have this fear of losing her? That's big. That means that I've truly found something worth holding onto with all my strength.  

And I fucking intend to do just that.

(pause)

So, there it is.

So far I'm having another okay day...

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – I cannot wait to tell Valkyirie all about Metal-AF so I can blow her mind with Platonic Poly and Passionate Friendship. It still blows my mind and I’m fucking living it! Someday, very soon, I'm going to get Metal-AF over for a cuddle date on a Tuesday so he can come with me and meet her. She would love the hell out of that.

- Spoons – Meh, I got the dishes done and took out the garbage... Still better than nothing.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- #YarnSlut - Nothing new to report.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 

- Inflammation – Of all the Paleo safe coffee additives, I have to say I'm loving the fuck out of Macademia Milk. It actually has a bit of a creamy texture to it that makes it reminiscent of dairy creams or milks. The taste is pretty good too. Although, tongue sludge is an issue. It's not as clean as the coconut milk.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – He worked a really long day yesterday... and I missed him, but I think I missed Metal-AF more. And don't worry, that doesn't mean that I’m falling out of favoring with Bran. It just means that I'm successfully transitioning into a state of mind that's much less clingy.  

The clingy has been pretty insane since he got back, and I've been aware of my need to let the fuck go. Especially if he still wants to take this traveling job.

He can stop worrying. With Metal-AF in my life, as well as other potential cuddlers, I'm going to be okay.

I did the thing that I had to do in order to survive.

I switched into a state of survival mode where I don't need him.

Doesn't mean I don't love him.

Just means I'm not a needy, clingy bitch who won't let him live his life and get his finances under control.

I just hope he doesn't leave me for over a year again.

That would require more than just cuddle buddies... and I'm not entirely sure he'd like what he came home to, but he's going to have to understand that there are consequences to every action. He's putting something before our relationship, fine. I get that it's something he needs to do for him. I get it that he's wasted 10 years of his life worrying more about me than how far he was advancing himself.

Why he can't seem to sleep in my bed every night AND advance himself, that I just can't fucking figure out for the life of me. But, for what it's worth, I seem to hold him back.

Whatever.

Go then.

Don't expect your side of the bed to be empty when you decide to come home.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  OMFG - (swoon)

We had a chance to chit-chat just a little bit yesterday... ye gods, I fucking love her so much it's painful and wonderful all at the same time. She makes my head spin and my heart feel like it's going to explode.

It started around mid-day when I sent her a post-shower, full nude.

She appreciated it, and I told her I was hoping to get a smile because I know they're in short supply. She told me I did and that made me happy.

We talked a bit about how she's coping... I know things could be worse, but they could be so much better. I just wish I could do more.

Much later, I felt the need to clarify something for her. Since I get these little jealous rages when anyone else even looks at her, I was suddenly filled with the worry that she might also be holding back on that kind of insecurity. So, I sent her a long, reassuring note to let her know that no matter how flirty or familiar I might seem with someone else, no one is going to take me away from her.

I also clarified that the only reason I'm so actively recruiting cuddle buddies is that I'm needing the emotional support to survive being kept away from her.

She got it. She relates.

Then she implied that she could make it out to see me, but it would have to be ridiculously early in the morning. Heh, my response? "Beloved... do you somehow think you're not worth losing sleep over?"

She LOL'd.

I told her to get her ass over here.

She said 'soon', and she promised. We clarified that Saturday is my best day this week, and yes that means rescheduling Metal-AF again! - but... Cuddle Crush – Trust me, Metal-AF doesn't mind one bit.

This time she took it as far as grabbing my address and she's going to look into it further.

No promises for Saturday, but she does promise 'soon'.

So, maybe...  

I just might be able to see her Saturday soon.

(warm glow)

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – No, cuddles did not happen, and he's fucking hating himself for it. We're talking deep sense of failure here. The kind where it doesn't matter how much I reassure him that it's okay, he still feels like he let me down.

We're going to have to work on this.

Shit happens.

We still talked throughout the day, and I still felt him with me, and I was okay anyway.

Yesterday was a survival mode kind of day, I'll admit that.  

It's true that some Metal-AF snuggles would have pulled me out of survival mode and a bit more into thrival mode.  

This is honestly some of the most confused emotional spinning I've ever experienced... and I think it might be related to the fact that our relationship is both Passionate, and Platonic. As his friend, I can fully cope with the fact that something interfered with his ability to make it out to see me yesterday. But, as someone who is Passionate about his cuddles... There's just this intense as hell craving there.  

You know what it is?

It's fucking addiction.

His cuddles get me high, and I'm deep in the twitches because I need my next fix.

LOL, this is a GOOD addiction, though. Neither of us are toxic to each other. It's not codependency by any stretch of the imagination. We just clear each other's Bad JuJu. There are far less healthy things to be addicted to.

(Potential(s)) Dayum...  

I mean...  

Just...  

Dayum...  

My other potential cuddler...  

We are SOOOO in Blue Falcon territory. Very different personalities and very different life experiences and very different life stages and very different realities when it comes to health and wellness.

And yet,  

We never seem to run out of things to talk about... and by golly, we are RIGHT ON THE SAME PAGE when it comes to the CUDDLES!  

It's just this ultra-lush little thing where I can see our time together as being very consciousness expanding. The things that the Blue Falcon showed me, and continues to show me, new worlds. And I opened the Blue Falcon up to new experiences too. Things he's actually using in his new relationship now. Stuff he learned from me!! (squee!)

And then there's this:

The Blue Falcon reminded me just enough of Set that he pulled some of that old pain to the surface... and then, just by being this loving and compassionate person, and without even realizing he was doing it... and without ME even realizing he was doing it... he stripped away the band-aids over those bullet holes and he sutured my wounds.

He healed me.

Mr. Potential brought it up last night that I remind him a bit of someone... and I was so, right there.

Here we go.

Hell yes.

My turn.

There's poison in those veins.

There's no way in hell it's going to stay there.

End Notes:  

So, yeah... I'm okay today.

I’m a fucking Fated Mate/Protagonist.

I’m a Healer/Healee

I’m alone/in good company.

Balance is happening.

Ugh. I hope this emotional regulation lasts. I like it so much better here.