You never know who's protection someone might be under.

So, I know a guy.

Very strong, very intense military background, this guy.

I've learned a lot from this guy.  

Shit that might make your toes curl.  

Some of it is the attitude about taking out a target when it becomes necessary. It's the 'disconnect' from the 'whatever' about the annihilation of another human being. People are so fucking shocked sometimes when that disconnect seems easy. They don't understand the burden.  

But, I get it.

He explained it to me once. He said "Forgiveness is between them and God, it's just my job to arrange the meeting." - and I got it.

And, yeah. I know that line's been used in a few movies too, but it makes a point.

(deep breath)

People come into our lives for a reason. It's important to acknowledge the things that they have taught us and in this case, I've learned how to accept these kinds of burdens. Witches have always had a more 'direct' relationship with karma. Luciferians don't bullshit, we acknowledge darkness.

And now, there's Apophis.  

A direct agent of karma who's taken a very strong liking to me. I even deepened our bond in a way that he didn't expect, but he didn't turn down. (wicked smile) (shrug) I became the kind of person who has a very 'intimate' relationship with my gods a long time ago. It's just a part of who I am. I'm not shackled by my mortality or any sort of false wall of veneration. My gods appreciate this more than you might think.

So, I went into Medium mode last night. I can do automatic writing. I've been able to do it since I was 16, came to me as naturally as breathing. I got Apophis on the line (or pen, you might say) and asked him if we were clear to aim for the kill shot, or if we needed to be asked first.

He said we'd already been asked. That for the last two days there's been a plea going out into the ether for experienced pain to be understood... felt... not exactly shared, but communicated in a way that the inflictors of said pain would feel an instant sort of regret, and hopefully remorse.  

So...

… gloves off, bitches...

… you ask for pain, you get pain...  

Some people need to be a whole hell of a lot more careful about who they piss off in this world.

You never know who's protection someone might be under.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – We got hit with a Sprinter snow storm from hell yesterday, so Valkyrie called and asked if we could cancel so she could get home before the roads got too bad. I was cool with it. I told her all about Metal-AF and about my meltdown. She was both glad and sympathetic.  

I'm very fucking disappointed in her.  

She hasn't watched the ScoobyNatural episode yet. I couldn't even hide my grievance.  

We kept the call short'ish – I'll check in with her next week.

- Spoons – Post-meltdown blah's – didn't even make it to administrative tasks – I finished the blog entry and then shut down completely.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 10 minutes, 3x awake, 12x restless, 39 minutes awake/restless - did that thing where I turned the alarm off (not snooze), but Bran was cuddling... and... and... cuddles...  

So, I slept in.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

The meltdown has thrown this whole week to shit and it's only Wednesday. I'm calling off the INR today. I just don't feel like putting on big girl clothes and leaving the house today. I don't fucking care. I'm fine. I just want to stay in and focus on my recovery.  

Tomorrow I hope to be back online enough to make some important phone calls about getting some help with a pool somewhere, but that shit is not happening today, I can already tell you that.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Despite the blizzard, he had shit to do. Took him FOREVER.

But then!

Dinner and a movie!

He picked up McDonalds and a Redbox, LOL.

Until the end of my days, I will never forget that my 10-year anniversary was a specialty burger, and a post-meltdown, cheer-up, horror movie.

A horror movie.

Because this girl doesn't do flowers.

I fucking love him so much.

This is a man who freely admits that he still can't wrap his brain around me most days.  

And yet he loves me enough to embrace my quirks without hesitation.

Luckiest woman alive, I tell ya.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  We're good.

My guilt trippy meltdown didn't even register as a blip on her radar.

She has other, much closer concerns right now, and I think she knows that I love her relentlessly. I should have known she'd be okay, but you know how I worry.

I'm very concerned for her, of course, but my role here is to step way the fuck back and just let her work through this on her own. I can be a support system, but only as much as she will actually lean on me. Which may be very little, or not at all.  

I received my signal this morning that her walls have gone back up. Don't know if she's all the way back up to razor wire around the parameter, but she's severely wounded and going deep into hiding, that's for damn sure.

The question remains whether or not I'm still within those walls.  

I have to accept the fact that I might not be, and that she's going to need her space for a bit.

I have to accept the fact that those return 'I love you's' may just be her going through the motions while her heart shuts down to nothing. While she re-dons her armor. While she goes dead to love.

I'm okay with that.

I will still tell her every morning that I love her, and that I'm here for her, and then I'll just drop it and leave it at that. But, I'm also going to post a lot of word porn and tag her in some of it. She'll know I'm here and that I’m still supporting her. She'll know that I haven't given up on her.

She needs to push me away, I think, and I know I’m okay with that.

Know why?

'Cause that's not going to fucking stop me from defending and protecting her...

… and some people should so very fucking be scared right now.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – I seriously don't even have any fucking words right now.

He made a music video for me.

I’m not kidding.

Turns out he's fucking amazing at video editing and he made me the most beautiful, anime music video to celebrate our friendship.

I'm really wracking my brain here... I've had homemade gifts before... but nothing that stands out like this. Nothing was ever given to me with this much heartfelt emotion behind it.

There are simply no words for how loved he makes me feel. Even though our relationship is strictly platonic, It's still one of the most passionate loves I've ever experienced in my entire life. I didn't even know that passionate platonic could be a thing before meeting him, but it sure as hell is a thing now!

His song hasn't revealed itself to me yet.

Everyone has a song. Bran has a few. Cuddle Crush has a few. But not Metal-AF, yet. It just hasn't arrived yet. I think I need to slip away from Cuddle Crush's mix and go back to Aschervon or something. I bet Metal-AF's song is in there, somewhere.

-also- If I can talk him into it – now I want to finally start working on some Destiel video's, lol... because my luscious boys need their love story told.

--

Metal-AF is heading in for some pretty gnarly, but necessary, ouchy doctor stuff tomorrow. It might be too soon for us to arrange for me to be his on-site support system, but I'll be there in spirit.  

From here on out, though? Fuck yeah – I'm his support system Godz Dammit! He has stuff, I'm going with! I love him WAY too much to let him face this kind of shit alone!

You know I was there in 2016 – completely alone when that cunt was putting me in the hospital and Bran just fucking abandoned me for her, again and again. No one deserves that kind of alone.

That's not the situation with Metal-AF. He's MORE than loved!! But, schedules being what they are, he's alone for this kind of ugly shit.  

Nu-uh.

Not anymore.  

End Notes:  

(sigh)

I love her so much.

And all I can do is back off.

I'm going to have to rely more and more on Bran and Metal-AF – Other cuddlers too, as I pull them in. Yes, I'm still talking to Mr. Potential and he's still amazing. I'm really looking forward to spending some quality time with him.

Cuddle Crush's secret song just came across my headphones.

Radiomancy man... it fucking works.  

It's only secret from her. Even though she knows I'm fully prepared to yank her out of any situation if she needs me to, that's not what I hope for. I want things to work out with the healthy things on her end.  

The healthy things.

Those things need to stay.

But, running from the unhealthy shit... I'm here for her. I'll be the one she runs to.

If she'll let me be that person for her. I want to be that person for her.

I need to put this song on repeat every morning to remind me of my place in this.