I want to believe that this is all a mistake.

What I really need right now, is someone to talk to. I'm a mess of conflicting emotions and I need to soundboard this shit out so I can dig and find my truth.

I’m deliberately refraining from posting the vast majority of my internal drama to Facebook. I made one entry earlier today, just to alert my friends to the reality that Metal-AF had left me. Some good people have chimed in with love and support.

I noticed Bright Star wasn't amongst them.

Cuddle Crush was first, though, so that made me feel really warm.

She was the first person I went to after the Blog was posted. I immediately knocked on her door just to let her know that I 'might' post some dark shit today and that none of it was her. I told her about Metal-AF leaving me and that Bright Star might add himself to that list too. She's pretty upset. Clearly we've hit the critical mass where she hurts when I hurt.  

I'm actually pretty good with that. (shrug) It's a bonding thing. Shared pain is lessened, shared joy is increased.

As far as Bright Star goes... jeez, there's a whole lot of emotional conflict there too.  

My pain desperately wants to escape to where it can be seen, heard, and comforted. But there's also a part of me that didn't need him yesterday that needs him today. That's the part of me that scares him. So, I'm fully cognizant of the fact that I'm fucking hiding my pain just because I don't want to scare him off right now.

I'm terrified that my vulnerability would be misinterpreted as neediness. And it's not just the exposure of a weakness that has me concerned. It's also the damaging truth that people tend to leave me right when I need them the most. When something like that happens enough times, one learns to be a bit oversensitive to the possibility of having to experience that loss again.

And the fucked up thing? He'd be the first person to tell me that allowing myself to be openly vulnerable is actually way stronger than keeping up that stupid façade.  

Wait...  

…

…  

… what the fuck am I doing?

No, seriously? Who the fuck am I right now?

(scoff!) Stay or Walk Away – it's HIS fucking CHOICE and when it comes right down to it, it won't matter if it's me or the mask, either way.  

What the hell was I thinking?

Changing who I am or how much of my truth I show just to keep someone around?

Fuck that noise.

If he needs that to be in my life, then he's not really my friend anyway.

Srsly.

So...  

… I guess that pulls us around to need then, huh?

Okay... when Metal-AF was still there, I could have lost Bright Star and been fine. He could have walked away and yes, it would have stung a bit, but Metal-AF would have been the soothing balm on that wound and it wouldn't have been a big deal at all.

So, without that element to comfort me... that sting? Yeah... it's gonna sting just a little bit more. Probably even a lot bit more.  

Why then?

Just the skin?

Kinda... yeah... I don't have a soundboard to really work through my emotions from that cuddle date, so it's a little bit hard to tell right now.

It's just where my head is at today.  

That whole twitterpation thing that I was getting just a little bit before that cuddle date? It's really bad today. However, I'm reasonably certain that a bulk of that is the way I trained my mind to retreat to a happy place when my heart is in pain.

Bright Star is my most recent happy place, so, really, it all does make perfect sense if you really think about it.  

And once you bring in the skin... then we get me... utterly besotted, totally twitterpated, and absolutely ravenous for more. We're talking teeth clenching and finger nails scraping level ravenous.

(sigh)

And then the part that I'm really scared to admit.

The part I'm terrified to admit.

There is the emotional support element too.  

Part of me just wants him to show up on my doorstep like a hero so he can tell me that he won't leave me too. Part of me wants him to be the kind of person who wouldn't let me lose too people in one weekend...

… don't worry, I know that part is bullshit. That's some fairytale kind of childish rambling that should never, ever happen because I don't need to be saved.

It's just the old school romantic in me that wants to see someone try.

That kind of shit is the stuff I write. It doesn't happen in real life.

Anyway...  

So, where am I with Metal-AF?

I don't think I’m wired to take the stages of grief in any sort of linear fashion. I mean, for one, I refuse to get angry. Anger is just pain's bodyguard. Anger is what I use to distance myself from someone emotionally so I don't have to feel the pain of missing them.

This time I want the pain.

I want the hole he left behind.

I never, ever want to forget what he meant to me. What he still means to me. So, anger can fuck right the hell off.

Right now I'm at bargaining.  

I want to believe that this is all a mistake.  

I want to believe that whatever I did to offend him can someday be completely forgotten and that once he's had some time to settle... he'll come back to me and we'll cuddle it out like a pair of grown up Wonder Twins should. I want to believe that if he needs more from me than platonic love, that I can give that to him without question or hesitation.

I want to believe that somehow, this isn't over yet.

I know...  

... I'm fucked.