Pain doesn't have to be a poison.

It's interesting how one can become desensitized to their own trauma after a time. Truthfully, I've spent so much time owning my pain and realizing that I'll never fully heal, that I've just accepted things as they are.

Like I've said before, I'm held together by nothing but duct tape and safety pins inside... but it's been that way for so long that I don't even remember it being any other way.

And, it gets weird when I tell my story.

I'm very much in recovery. There were two big traumas that hit me hit me hard and both of them were quickly followed by long periods of time where I was dead dropped right into survival mode without even being given time to take a breath, much less heal. So, to top it off, everything has just healed over wrong.

Like broken bones that were never set right, but I'm walking on them anyway. I just don't notice the excruciating pain anymore. The baseline of deep suffering has just become my new normal.

I don't even like to talk about what happened to me anymore. It just feels like attention seeking. Yet, people do ask, because they want to know why so much of my day consists of rest and self-care.

They want to know why so much time is allocated to my body giving the fuck up and telling me to 'go lay down' and 'no spoons for you!' - they want to know what it was that tore through me and left me such a broken mess... a beautiful disaster.

Sometimes I tell them.

And sometimes they're just stunned to silence, thinking that I've earned so much pity because life has dealt me a shitty hand that I didn't deserve.

No...

It's not like that.

I own absolutely everything that's happened to me.

If I tell my stories, or write myself into stories, it's to process my pain in ways that have me Goddess'ing the Fuck Up where everyone can see me doing just that. If I talk, it's because I want someone to learn from my pain.

Pain doesn't have to be a poison. It can be transmuted into a passion through artistic expression.

If I'm going to be in pain, I'm going to make it count.

I'm going to make my pain mean something.

I'm going to transform my pain into something beautiful.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Valkyrie would be so proud of me.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

My blood sugar is higher this morning… not sure why… I’m glad I have this new system working for me. It might have been the potatoes. It was probably the potatoes.

Family:

- Bran -  Last night my tummy wasn't cooperating. It refused to get hungry, despite the fact that Bran had yummy yummy salmon noms for me.

And then I got into a long conversation and I was the one who ended up willingly NOT going to bed at a decent hour.

(grump)

I woke up feeling like so much ass and this time it's all my own damn fault.

Stupid tummy.

I need to give Bran cuddles.

I got Mo last night :)

- Spawn -  She had a really good time with our guests yesterday. I wanted to give her some experience with a small child, lol.

One.

One small child.

A five-year-old.

I gave my Spawn full 'babysitter duties'.

She was watching that kid for all of 3.5 hours and she was EXHAUSTED. She said 'now I understand why parents are tired all the time.' Then she claimed she'd be able to do it all day as long as she slept well the night before.

LOL...

Poor sweet child.

She has no idea the hell that's coming for her if she really does plan on having four kids.

Sweeties:

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   She still seems a little distant, but I know she's still fighting a lot of battles right now.

I told her yesterday that love is not a competition and she's not a prize to be won at an auction like a fat fucking farm pig. She has more than enough love to spare for everyone in her life right now, and the honest truth is... she needs every single last one of us.

She's still trying to come back from something, and she will need all the love and support she can gather around her to get her through it. So, all of us who love her should just fucking agree that we love her and that one commonality should be enough to bind us to a singular goal.

When I said we should all just rise up and stick by her because we love her? She said that the others really don't see it that way.

I told her that, for what it's worth, if she tells me that someone is good to her, then I will treat that person like family.

I hope she knows that's true.

I hope she knows how much of my own jealousies and insecurities I would beat the fuck down for her.

I wish I knew if she knew how much I really love her.

  - Pathfinder -  Nothing new to report.

  - Never Enough -  Nothing new to report.

Cuddles

  - Metal-AF -  You know this song. It's only been playing on repeat ad nauseam.

Need.

Cuddles.

Now.

(Potential(s)) #1 So, I'm not really sure where to put this one.

My end of yesterday’s date doesn't seem to have worked in my favor at all.

I wanted a friend, but I wanted just that. A friend.

So, I didn't go out of my way to be sexy. I was just me. I didn't put on any makeup and my hair had been washed the day before, so it wasn't as silky as freshly washed hair is.

I didn't want him to be sexually attracted to me.

I think what I got was 'disappointed' and 'repulsed'.

So, not even someone willing to be a friend.

I don't know... I'll message him tonight to see how he's doing. We'll see if there's still a conversation there.

(Potential(s)) #2 Last night I had an opportunity to chat with a lovely young gentleman on OKC. Total sweetheart. Absolutely fighting his own battles right now. We did what we could to attack his issues. And I shared a few of mine too.

Once I opened up to him, he went from zero to 60 on the cuddle invitation. So, it's another co-caretaker thing where we're drawn to each other's pain.

He told me he's shy in person.

I asked if he needed me to make the first move.

He said no girl has ever done or offered to do that for him, and that he'd appreciate that.

I told him about my own insecurities and how it would be difficult for me because of my weight and all the loose skin, but I'd own the fuck out of it and I'd make the first move because it was what he needed.

After he heard all of that, he demanded to be the one to make the first move. "I want you to feel wanted." - omfg - I fucking cried when he said that. I'm even misting up right now just retyping it.

It's not that I don't feel wanted.

All I have to do is deepen a kiss and Bran will get rock hard for me.

It's just that I can get insecure about people 'not-Bran'. This guy wants to personally squash all my insecurity bugs when it comes to him.

I find that kind of a gesture to be very sweet.

I think he'd make a good cuddle buddy, based on what I know of him so far.

Don't worry. Not getting emotionally attached.

Not even getting twitterpated.

I'm not going to make the Bright Star mistake twice.

I learn from that shit.

Friends:

  - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Bran says that when he leaves, he hopes he can just put $100 on a Lunds&Byrleys gift card just so I can have comfort salmon whenever I need it.

LOL.

I love him so much.

He really does know how to take care of me.