Valkyrie and I were meeting an hour earlier than normal yesterday, and I didn't even make it all the way through our session before my eyeballs were puckering back into my skull.
I made it home, wrapped up a few things, set up for 'binge-watching' and was out like a light soon after.
I didn't think I'd sleep. I didn't think I'd go down that hard, or that long. I didn't set an alarm to keep me from going down too long. I never expected to drop all the way down into REM. That never happens.
Later, after Bran got home, I was back to binging and it happened again. I was very viciously attacked by a nap. Again, all the way down into REM.
What the actual fuck?
Actual bedtime...
I take my meds. I dutifully go to bed. Two hours later my messenger wakes me up because I leave it up just in case Cuddle Crush needs me in an emergency. (we may have to discuss alternate means of distress communication) It's not Cuddle Crush, it's one of my friends from overseas with a book recommendation.
I'm wide awake.
It's 3 am.
I try to sleep for an hour.
Nothing.
I can't even keep my eyes closed.
I give up.
I start binge-watching shit again and wait for Bran to come to bed because his insomnia has him by the balls too.
He comes to bed at 5 am. We go lights out.
Still nothing.
Naturally, I drop into REM about 5 minutes before the morning's alarms go off.
Fuck me.
Okay, I'm sure I slept longer than that, but, dammit.
I have a very dark feeling that today is going to be another #NapAttack Day.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - Some highlights, because that's about all I can remember right now.
I described 'touch' with Metal-AF as 'we are perfectly whole torches of firelight on our own, but when we touch, we don't just combine, we amplify each other'. She really liked the word 'amplify' in the way I explained what happens when we touch. It truly is like having super-powers.
The feeling is incredible.
We talked a bit about Cuddle Crush, and how the individual 'tastes' of our Alpha's may not be as well suited to each other as I'd originally thought, but I've already figured out how I want to deal with that. I'll add that in her section below.
We talked a bit about my potentials and what is or isn't my responsibility to help with and what is or isn't in my power to do for them.
By that time, I was running out of things to say, I just wasn't holding it together. I was fucking tired for no reason.
Stupid rhythm.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
Nothing new to report.
Family:
- Bran - He was gone most of yesterday. No explanation. Just errands and stuff he was doing with friends from work.
I know of these friends.
I've never met these friends.
I have a sneaking suspicion that I will never meet these friends.
I think it's been a really long time since he's made a friend too.
I think I'd scare his friends away.
I'm cool with this. He really really really needs to have his own life outside of me, just like I need to have my own life outside of him. I do not feel displaced by this, just as much as I don't think he feels displaced by any of my adventures.
We're good.
Sounds weird.
But, we just seem to be good. Like we know where the love is.
Also...
He brought me salmon last night.
No reason.
I just got tasty tasty fish noms and happy tummy dances.
Oh yeah, we know where the fucking love is.
- Spawn - Nothing new to report.
Sweeties:
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - Right, so... I can't go into exactly what the kink/fetish is, but I can tell you that it challenges my hard limit on negative reinforcement.
At first, I was backing away slowly... 'no no no no no... not this... please not this.'
And then I went back to Claimed and how Reece wasn't a masochist, but Cinn got her over her fear of pain just fine.
Then it all just solidified while I was in that chair in Valkyries office.
What wouldn't I do for Cuddle Crush?
If she's gentle enough and patient enough, what fear wouldn't I overcome for her?
Besides, I never got to explore any of who or what I am as a submissive because no Dominant was ever strong enough or patient enough to deal with me, right?! So, who knows what little kinks and desires are buried deep within me?
Also, what good Dominant doesn't push boundaries and test the limits of their sub? Isn't that pretty much in the job description?
So... facing my traumas after narcissistic abuse...
... yeah, I can do that for her.
... my life for her.
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Cuddles
- Metal-AF - I'm so fucking proud of him.
He has a matter of personal growth/evolution that he's pursuing with great determination. He has the full support of my house behind him. We're going to make damn fucking sure that he does not give up and that he does not fail.
He also has a matter of the heart that's receiving equal attention. Naturally, I've totally got his back there too.
(sigh)
I miss him so much right now.
I'm going to be so tired today.
It would be the perfect cuddle day.
(potential(s)) # 1 Yesterday was such an /off/ day that I didn't check in on him. Fixing that now.
(potential(s)) # 2 We kept missing each other yesterday too. I'm really pissed off that my phone won't do the sound notification. I tried looking it up online and other people are having the same problem. I tried one of the solutions, but I won't know if it worked until he messages me again. He's the only one I'm talking to right now.
(sigh)
I'm anxious to continue our conversation. I want to get him comfortable enough to bite on the cuddle date bait.
Friends:
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
- Bright Star - There were some brief tap in's yesterday. Nothing deep. Just enough to still be friendly. Someday I hope we can get back to the conversational level that we were before, but I'm going to really take my time building us back up to that.
I need him comfortable enough to open up to me on his own. (deep breath) there's still poison in those veins... I still want to help him if I can.
End Notes:
I'm chatting a titch with Cuddle Crush. She loves it when I get dorky. I've introduced her to the term 'adorkable'. She's amused.
I really hope we can start seeing each other soon.
There's just so much of our relationship that can't be explored as words on a screen.
I need her.
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