If it's not too much trouble, I'm going to vent a little bit.
Actually, to be brutally honest, I'm going to fucking whine like a two-year-old.
I'm going to stomp my feet and pout and cry and have a tantrum. Because this is my blog and this is where I come to air out my feelings.
I just really want to preface this by saying that I don't want anyone to change for me. Everyone's got their own bullshit that they're going through too. This isn't about secretly hoping that someone will find the open page on my diary so that they can 'feel my pain' and get guilt tripped into somehow giving a shit about me. I'm not being manipulative.
I'm just being hurt.
And, besides Metal-AF, I really don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff, and he'd mostly just agree with me anyway. He would tell me that it's not cool that my feelings aren't being acknowledged. He would tell me that I should stand the fuck up for myself and demand to be recognized. And then I'd back pedal and tell him that I'm sometimes too wrapped up in my own bullshit to notice others too, and that it's a product of my disorder. And he'd agree with that too.
Plus, you never know what's going on with the other person. The day you might have been looking forward to doing something special might just be the day that something tragic happens on their end, and being ignored is a result. What would happen if you picked that day to stand the fuck up? Right?
(sigh)
So, here goes.
That video chat didn't happen yesterday. I spent most of the day being ignored. I'm devastated that she never comes to me when she's hurting. I'm torn by the fact that I'm always the one initiating contact. Like, she NEVER messages me first. She never thinks to check on me and to see if I'm doing okay. She never asks how my day has been and if I'm holding up alright. She's been openly flirting with someone else while offering me zero reassurance that I'm safe with her.
I have so many doubts.
She doesn't realize how insecure I feel when it comes to her. Or how hard I have to fight against the voices in my mind when it's about her.
The way she treats me leads me to believe that this relationship is a lot more one-sided than I'm giving it credit for. And sometimes I worry if I'm wasting my time emotionally investing so hard in someone who seems to have such little regard for me.
And yet.
I also know the wars in her mind. The thoughts of worthlessness that plague her. How badly she needed someone to crush on her, cultivate her, be interested in her, chase her, put in the effort to recklessly open their hearts and give themselves to her.
I promised her all of these things, and more. I swore to never give up on her and I know she needs someone to have that kind of perseverance when it comes to her. Everyone leaves her, and I know she's probably just waiting for me to give up and leave her too. I know she's probably just pushing me away right when she needs me the most.
It's just that some days I get so discouraged, and I wish she would tap the fuck back. I wish the effort to maintain positive contact went both ways. I wish the expressions of love and devotion weren't so one-sided all the time. I wish she'd ask me how I'm doing once in a while.
(sigh)
I wish I didn't cry so much over her.
I wish she treated me like a Fated Mate too.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy – Okay... (deep breath) … thank you for flying Tantrum Airlines, please return your Fucks Given and Bitch Please's to their upright and locked positions and exit the whinecraft to your left.
- Spoons – We'll see – I’m pretty sure I can make it through administrative tasks today, but it's also a Unicorn weekend, so there's really not much on the list other than more Supernatural and Sailor Moon.
Point of Note: I DID have THREE spoons yesterday. I managed the blog, a shower, and cleaning up administrative tasks.
- Writing – Nothing new to report.
- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.
- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
This is the part where I give zero fucks.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – He's definitely the wrong person to vent to, and I shouldn't have tried. For fucks sake, sometimes he can't emotionally validate for shit. I should have just stuck to Metal-AF.
It's okay. I still love him relentlessly. He brought me tasty dinner noms and brownie bites last night. He's truly awesome. He gives good cuddle. His kisses like to slobber on my nose, and I fucking hate that, but it amuses him so damn much to make me go 'ick!' - lol, he's a fucker sometimes, but it's worth it.
- The Unicorn – We're off to our usual start, but I was a tad preoccupied last night, so I wasn't really paying attention to the shows. I'll be more present today.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Sweeties -
Not really dating at this time.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - Look, it just fucking is what it is. Either I'm wasting my time saving myself for her, or she's going to pull through and I'll never regret the fact that I didn't give up on her.
Not giving up on someone doesn't mean you give them all your faith all the time. It means holding on when you feel like you can't hold on anymore.
We've seen how much can change in only two months... let's see what happens in the next two...
- Pathfinder – Nothing new to report.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
- Cuddle Buddies -
- Metal-AF – We're in the early stages of working on a standing Friday Cuddle Date for Supernatural Catch Up, as well as working on the arrangements to get me to HIS place to cuddle more often since that takes working around Bran's schedule out of the game.
Hopefully that's okay with Bran...
I really need Metal-AF right now. I need someone I can both gush and vent to. I need someone who will hold me, validate me, and let me soundboard through my emotions so I can release them instead of letting them fester. I need someone to be the one to TELL ME to let it hurt, let it bleed, feel the feels and then let them go. I need someone to help me take a blowtorch to the anxiety and the depression so that I can just be mindful, and present in the 'now'.
Metal-AF can do all of those things, and more.
And you bet your sweet ass that he's working through stuff too, and I'm going to dig out all his pain at the same time he's digging out mine!
#WonderTwins!
- (Potential(s)) - I had a really long chat with my potential last night while I helped him work through some stuff. And that was just fucking awesome. It was great to give him the validation he needed and to help him sort through things. He felt much better once we were ready to let each other go.
I'm really looking forward to meeting him and seeing where this leads between us.
End Notes:
I fucking suck.
I should just have faith in her.
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