Fragile, not flawed.

I learned another lesson yesterday. Definitely something mantra worthy.  

This is actually a lesson I learned a long time ago... and found myself re-learning last night. And then I was kind of kicking myself a little bit saying 'Of course!', and I felt a little dumb.

Really, it was my very first lesson in the Law of Attraction, long before I even knew what that was.

It was my first real lesson in self-worth and self-love.

You see... one day, my eyes were opened to the fact that the people I fell the hardest for, were the people who shared the most common traits with me. Emotionally, intellectually, spiritually... there were connections that pulled me in and held me to them.

In other words, I was falling in love with myself.  

So, there were parts of me that I stopped hiding, because I knew if I saw those same parts in someone else, I'd find them completely irresistible. I started letting a lot more of the real me come to the surface. Like the weirdness, the craziness, the awkwardness.  

That last one was a doozey!

I used to HATE how socially awkward I was. Then one day I realized how much I LOVE IT when someone gets awkward around me. Especially if they're really embarrassed about it. I just want to hold them tight and tell them it's okay, and then kiss all their insecurities away. It's... like one of my bigger turn ons.

Once I realized that's how I felt about the awkwardness in others, I realized that's likely how someone who was attracted to me was going to respond to the awkward in me. After that, I just got really damn comfortable with the fact that in-person, I'm a total spaz.

So, that brings us to last night and all my self-loathing about my insecurities when it comes to Cuddle Crush. All the vulnerability. All the power she has to hurt me and my stupid fragile heart...

… all of this got blurted out at her...  

… total word vomit...  

… as if she didn't already have enough to deal with...

And then, like the beauty she is, she reminded me that all of her strength curled up around the one tender vulnerability of her beautiful fragile heart is one of the things that draws me to her. She reminded me of the fact that she's easily hurt too when it comes to love and that's one of the things that I love the most about her. She reminded me of the fact that I always swore to protect her.

It was a mirror.

All her strength, and all her vulnerability in that one spot. What's in her, is in me.

And,,, of course, it's one of the things that makes her love me even more.

It's a mirror for her too. It makes her feel less alone. She understands it. She lives it.  

How could I have not seen that sooner?

How did I not realize that she saw this fragility as a virtue and not a flaw?

Ahh, there it is! Hello new mantra. It's nice to meet you.

Fragile, not flawed.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – Tomorrow is going to be a very interesting session. Not real sure if it will help with the emotional regulation or not, but damn... something's got to give.

- Spoons – I DID manage to make it through administrative tasks yesterday, but hell... I was so fucking done. This mental/emotional exhaustion from fighting this war in my head has been too much.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- #YarnSlut - Nothing new to report.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Because I have the most wonderful spouse in the world, plans for today may not be derailed. It's going to cost a little bit, but as long as it's not too terribly expensive, he's going to make sure I get my Therapy Snuggles today.

He fucking loves me that much.

He's willing to Uber Metal-AF out here and back if it means helping me.

Yup...

No words.

- The Unicorn – She broke down and cried with me yesterday about her fears when it comes to High School coming up next year. I got her through it, but that was only one little mini-mini-meltdown – barely even a blip. She still has a lot more emotional anguish here.  

Nothing will really prepare her for the shift. She's going to be afraid no matter what. But I've met the guy who's going to be her primary support in High School, and he's fucking awesome. I know he'll help her.

She'll be okay.

She just doesn't know it yet.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  Vague Version:

Bad JuJu – She's coping. I was getting random taps just to sort of 'flaunt' those coping mechanisms, which aren't necessarily healthy and shouldn't be enabled, but literally everyone in our position has done it at least once (including me) so, I really can't fault her. In fact, I told her that I'm proud of her for doing what she has to in order to survive.

Slight miscommunication – she sent me a meme that came across as very 'I hate you', and I took it that way. Once she learned that it had hurt me, she fucking caved. She was mortified. She apologized profusely, but the damage was done. She'd taken a fucking wrecking ball to the dam/wall that was holding back all my pain so she couldn't see it.

Word vomit – I puked my toxic guts in her lap and then hated myself for letting her see me at my worst again. I let her see how much pain I was in and how fragile I was when it came to her love.

Pure Love – She patted me on the head, told me she understood completely, reminded me that her fragile heart is one of the things I love the most about her, and so, of course, it's one of the things she loves the most about me.

I feel stupid.

She loves me, though.

Now, if I can just figure out a way to fucking hold onto this feeling!!

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – Bad news, the ride to deliver him to me for Snuggle Therapy ended up with other, much bigger issues. Totally understood.

I can cope.

Bran doesn't want me to, though.

He wants me to have this, so we're still going to try to work this out.

This section will continue with updates while I proofread and select artwork and stuff... (assuming everyone wakes up enough to communicate by then... :/ )

--

Bran's awake and heading into work – no message from Metal-AF yet – will keep lines of communication open with Bran while he's at work and still see if we can work out some Snuggle Therapy.

--

Cost of transport would be about $30 each way – Probably way out of price range.

End Notes:  

I need more coffee.

I need a shower.

I need to take out the garbage.

I fucking need snuggles.