He's getting extra fucking snuggles when he wakes up.

I made a rather pointed effort to get to bed earlier last night.

Bran got home from work and hopped in the tub for a bit. I was carrying on some conversations on Facebook while I finished out the first season of Lost in Space (the new Netflix Original).

Then I also took the plunge and decided to grab a viewing order guide for Netflix's Marvel Universe and I just started with Episode 1 of Daredevil last night.

Anyway, Bran exited the tub just as I was finishing a bedtime meal, which I still needed to digest a bit. Hence the finishing of the Daredevil episode.

We discussed my going to bed.

He wasn't planning on doing any console gaming, just device gaming, and he could do that anywhere while he waited for his intrinsic insomnia to let him go to sleep.

So... as much as it killed me to ask him to do it... he left.

I took my meds.

And I slept.

It was during a natural 'awake/roll-over/readjust' period when he did come to bed, so he didn't even wake me up when that happened.

I mostly slept right through the night.

I did my normal alarm snoozing for 15 minutes upon the waking hour... and here I am... Caffeine going in, and pretty to much wide fucking awake.

At least, way more alert than I would be if I hadn't asked him to leave.

I probably hit something in the 6-7 hour range of sleep.

So, it goes without saying that this needs to be a thing.

He's getting extra fucking snuggles when he wakes up.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Naturally, the hope here is that I'll get my Emotional Regulators functioning on a much stronger and stable level. I'll be less sensitive and I'll stop losing my mind over pathetic stuff.

- Spoons -  Regulating sleep to 'more' should also equal more of these as well.

- Writing - / - #YarnSlut -  Of course, more spoons would eventually mean allocating some to these creative outlets again.  :)

- Fur-babies -  Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Magic Hippo Dance -  I got my paddles in the mail yesterday. Now I just need to pick up my resistance bands and get approval to use the fucking pool. That last one may be very fucking elusive. I hope insurance doesn't screw me, and if it does... well then I have no choice but to hope that Bran does the thing where he goes away. It's the only way either of us would have the budget to get me in a pool on a regular basis. :(

Family:

- Bran -  I really feel like I need to work as hard as I can to make sure he feels loved and needed. Some days I feel like I'm doing well at this, some days I feel like I'm failing miserably.

Fuck...

All I know is that he means the world to me... and I don't ever want him to think that he doesn't.

Yet, at the same time, I need to be perfectly okay/supportive of his leaving. That means having my support network already in play. Which I'm steadily working hard on developing.

I want him to know that I'm not going to lose my shit while he's gone this time.

This is maddening at times.

- The Unicorn -  She's got a family thing with her dad tonight, so she's getting to me rather late. Enough time to pound down a couple of Sailor Moons, or get caught up on her spiritual soap opera... lol, I love my spawn.

Sweeties:

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   Right...

Remember what I said about more sleep equalling not being such an emotional basket case about shit? Well... she's the reason why this needs to be a thing. No one has more power to throw me farther and farther off balance other than her.

This latest teeter-totter is an insecurity that can't even be brought up in chat either. No, this one can only be discussed in person because I need facial expressions. I need body language. I need voice inflection and tone. I fucking need snuggles.

I need to be able to feel her, smell her, taste her... I need to know what's what...

And, also, let's be clear about one thing:

Cuddle Crush is Cookie Dough.

She's nowhere near done baking yet. She's still growing, evolving, breaking, recovering.

The person she is today, may not be the person she is in six months, a year, two years. So, something that isn't within her scope of understanding or expression NOW, may be something that she is still evolving into.

So... if she said something a few days ago that has me freaking out that she might not be my Alpha, and therefore, might not be my Fated Mate either... it might just be 'now her', not 'future her'... get it?

She could still be mine... I could still be hers... no one really knows how this is all supposed to work out yet.

One thing's for damn sure... I better have enough self-fucking-love to stand up to her. If she insists on negative-reinforcement D/s play, we're not going down that path.

Sorry.

Not going to happen.

  - Pathfinder -  Nothing new to report.

  - Never Enough -  Nothing new to report.

Cuddles

  - Metal-AF -  So... as if waiting almost a full week since the fall to cuddle and re-establish that bond wasn't bad enough... we still have to wait longer.

I'm dumb.

I suggested Fridays as our standard Cuddle Date because that's the day after the new episode of Supernatural (which, this week is episode 19 anyway! In a few weeks this won't even matter!!)

Turns out, Fridays are massive time crunchy days for Metal-AF, but he didn't TELL ME THIS (smack your damn fool ass, (scowl)) !! He just thought it was my best day.

Um, no. It's just the best day if I want to not be annoyed by all the spoilers posted on Facebook. Sheesh.

No HIS best days for a good LOOOOONNNNGGGG Cuddle are on MONDAY!! - and I'm wide the fuck open on Mondays.

So, now our Cuddle Dates are reallocated to Mondays. Which means waiting longer now, in exchange for more cuddles in a few days. It's a totally 'worth it' exchange. I'm okay with this.

Now, if I get into a pool, Monday's will be a pool day, but he doesn't mind. He says he'll just come with and watch me get wet... I'm more than okay with this as long as he's not bored.

(sigh)

LOL...

We're still working our shit out.

Makes me giggle.

Friends:

  - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

(Potential(s)) -  So, this new Mr. Potential will probably take a while to find a name as well. So far there are some good bonding points here. He's also an energy worker and probably stands a chance of being able to work out my residual damage from Set.

You know the stuff.

All that black shit inside me that never had a chance of healing on its own, and how I just got used to the idea of being held together by nothing more than duct tape and safety pins inside.

Yeah, that stuff.

This guy's an energy worker.

He might be able to clear the poison from my veins.

Make no mistake, it's some pretty hardcore bad juju in there... and I have no idea what his skill level is like, but it's comforting that he wants to try.

Also... he's a trained massage therapist... and he's offered back rubs... which... omg... I need really bad. My upper back and shoulders have been killing me ever since that migraine thing a few months ago.

So, that would be greatly appreciated.

--

And, the downside.

Because nothing in this world is that good without a price.

I think he's already falling for me...

... and that's not okay.

It's not that he's not good enough for me. He's a sweetheart.

However, he's only 2-years younger than me.

And that just won't work.

I'm sorry if that sounds shallow, but my Cougar is an immovable object, I'm not attracted to men my own age. I'm just NOT. I can't change that about myself. It is what it is and I'm not going to be shamed for it.

#CougarPride

This is my power.

This is my religious calling!!

This is the work I do for the Goddess in me.

And there is absolutely no mother-fucking shame in that.

--

So, I just need to be crystal clear about my boundaries.

Besides. I only need friends right now anyway, That's what the Blue Falcon wanted for me, and it takes away any messy confusion about how I'm dealing with the saving myself for Cuddle Crush.

Enough said.

End Notes:  

Bran's still sleeping...

... wanna cuddle (pout)