I was dreaming about ferrets.

Adequate sleep/rest continues to be an elusive and annoying thing.  

Bran and I have agreed to try this thing where I go to bed at my regular time, and then he'll just sneak in when he's ready to sleep. So far this has not happened. Despite my fatigue around that time of night, I usually end up doing something that I want to finish, or he ends up going into full 'Story Mode' and we're up until 1-2 am again anyway.

Then, even if we do go to bed earlier... I wake up hours before the alarm like my body has acclimated to only getting 4-5 hours of sleep and doesn't comprehend that this does not need to be a thing anymore.

And this morning... fucking hell.  

I'm wide awake at 6:30 in the morning, even to the point of considering getting up and getting started on the blog because I'm really excited to write it today, but I decided to close my eyes again anyway.

Then my 8 am alarm pulls me out of full REM and I'm cramming that snooze button down my phone's throat.

I was dreaming about ferrets.

I really love ferrets.

I'd love to have a ferret family someday now that I know a lot more about how to properly care for them.

Bran hates ferrets.

I think he's letting me get a ferret family someday anyway.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy - I think a lot of you know that a lot of my mental/emotional bugaboo's are situational. On my own, I'm so on top my inner deamons call me Mistress.

I'm still in recovery, yes... but most of that 'recovery' just looks like my body and mind demanding a lot of downtime and rest. I’m not even having the nightmares anymore. Hell, I'm even okay with Bran leaving again because that's how far I've come.

Right now my situational revolves entirely around Cuddle Crush. I’m so emotionally entangled with her that I hurt when she hurts. And then when she's happy I fear being forgotten.

This is not okay.

Recent events have taught me that I need to emotionally disengage myself from her, while still maintaining my romantic involvement with her.

I know... oh, I know...  

That one seems impossible, doesn't it?

Pffft! - don't worry. You know I got this. It's going to take work and I'm going to slip a lot while I try to find my footing in this precarious place, but I know I can do it.

Please be patient with me.

- Spoons - I'm glad it's the weekend and I have more snuggles coming today. I need some serious recharge.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- #YarnSlut - Nothing new to report.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Magic Hippo Dance - I think I mentioned that my doctor is trying to get my health insurance to pay for me to continue using the same pool that I trained in. It's narrowed down to this being my only option and I just can't afford the $60 a month to use that pool three days a week. So, here's hoping.

Alternately, there are movements on some higher household income. So, it may be a possibility that the cost could be covered in the not too distant future. Maybe even my protein powder too. Wouldn't that be nice?

Relationships / Family:

- Bran - (sigh) Bran loves me.  

On some level, he feels that he's resumed his position as my mental health guardian. He gets angry/annoyed at the things that cause me any sort of emotional suffering.  

This... well... fuck... (sigh)… I'm not even sure I know what to say to that.

I don't regard him as my protector anymore. No. He fucked that right the hell up and I don't really see myself ever trusting him that way ever again. To be honest, I actually get fucking pissed when he says things like "My top priority has always been your mental health" because that's total fucking bullshit. For a time, he didn't give a fuck, and he can say he gives a fuck again... but... it's a little too late to resume his position as my shield bearer.  

Now, I'll still bounce things off of him when I'm not okay because having a soundboard is extremely helpful, but that's all it is.  

I love him back, I do... but some things just can't go back to the way they were.

Every once in a while Bran gets thoroughly bitch slapped with just how much of an asshole he was to me. It really catches him off guard too. Since I'm not coming directly at him and saying 'you hurt me', he's not immediately assuming that defensive stance.  

See, what happens relates to that meme we sometimes see, you know the one. The verbiage shifts, but it always boils down to "Treat her the way she deserves to be treated, or watch someone else do it for you."

Now that I'm exploring new connections again, I'm encountering people and situations where I get all floaty because someone does something in the way I've always needed it to be done. In the way that I've asked him (begged him) to do it, and he's either refused or deliberately fucked it up so I'll give up on him and not ask/beg him to do it anymore.

So, I end up letting these things happen, and then I tell him about how awesome it was, and it leaves him feeling like a total asshole because someone treated me better than he did.

But, you know what? That just is what it is. That's why Polyamory is a thing to begin with. It's because people have needs. Some need to do a lot of giving, some need to do a lot of receiving, some need to do a whole lot of both. Some people, like me, are just so complex that finding a single person to connect with on all/enough points would mean that person is probably dangerously schizophrenic.  

So, when he tells me 'this makes me feel like an asshole' he always owns the fact that what I'm enjoying about someone else is something that he's just not wired for. And I always remind him that he's perfect just the way he is and that his relationship skill set is exactly what I need it to be from him.

It took me a long time to appreciate him.

I'm not letting that go.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  Wow... I barely even know where to start here.  

You know I gave her some space, right? As much as it killed me, I didn't message her once on Thursday. I just let it go and got through my day as best as I could while the uncertainty killed me and I was sure that I was being forgotten.

Then SHE pinged ME yesterday morning, which is what I had been waiting for. There had been a bit of meme commenting where I'd been clear that I’m not okay and she'd responded in ways that seemed to denote some distress on her end with that notion.

So, she sent me a 'good morning', and I said 'hi' back and sent her a hug.

She asked me how I was doing, and I was honest, I told her I didn't know how to answer that one because my emotions have been so 'all over the place' lately.

She confirmed her awareness of this and told me she was worried about me.

I stayed as diplomatic as possible and told her that sometimes external factors will knock me off balance, and I stay that way until the issue is resolved. I explained that It's really out of my hands and that I just have to wait and see what happens. - there – she could read into it or not.  

She read into it.  

Smart girl.  

She apologized and expressed her hope that the external factors didn't include her.

(big sigh) - Yup – do or die time.

Suck it up, be passive aggressive, lie and say everything is fine?  

No. She wants honesty. Even if it will hurt her. My beautiful girl always wants the truth, no matter how brutal. So I gave it to her:

"Oh, hun... who else in this world has more power to dick punch me right in the feels more than you?"

She didn't take it well... and I knew she wouldn't... it crushed the fuck out of her to learn that she had hurt me.

We chatted more and I explained where things had gone wrong. We narrowed it down to a lack of communication on her end and something she needs to work on in the future. I also admitted my fault in this and took responsibility for the fact that I'm far too timid when it comes to asking for reassurance if I really need it. So, we both agree that we both have shit to work on.  

(squee note: she's working it out that she might be able to date me soon)

So, the point I really want to make here is that I said those dreaded words 'you hurt me' - and I hated myself for fucking saying them because there has never been a time at any point in my history where those words have escaped my lips and they’ve been met with positive emotional regard.  

Oh, no... it's always excuses and explanations, rationalizations and arguments, reasons and invalidations of why I have no right to feel hurt. It never gets better to admit that I'm in pain to anyone. It only ends up escalating and then it gets worse. In the aftermath, once I've cried myself to sleep, alone... another layer of brick on the wall... another coil of razor wire around the perimeter.   

But, that's not what happened.

How could I have known how different she would be without that pain to trigger the forgiveness event? Trust me, every bit of that suffering was worth it to learn this side of her. Just to know who she is when she hears the words 'you hurt me'. Someone so unique, beautiful, and so filled with love and warmth.

She fucking apologized.

Then she owned the hell out of it.

Then she soothed the hurt with reassurance and took the necessary steps to begin the healing process.

No one has ever done that for me before.

Ye... fucking... godz... I love this woman.

- Pathfinder – Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

 - Cuddle Buddies -  

 - Metal-AF – Well...  

Are you ready for a total shock?  

He blocked me on Facebook.

And now I'm in the tailspin... I must have hurt him or made him angry somehow. No one cuts off communication like that unless contact is simply just too painful to maintain.

The only thing different between yesterday and today is that I shared a pre-blog with him about yesterday's cuddle date and I had said something to the effect of "I'm so glad that I will never lose you."

Even when I said it, I was choosing my words so carefully. I was acutely aware of the fact that I could make him feel like he was a second choice.

No.  

Please don't let that be the thing that breaks us? Metal-AF is my Wonder Twin. No one could ever top him. No one could ever replace him. No one could ever compare to the passion I feel for his strong arms around me and the safety I feel in his embrace. That sense of safety was denied me when Bran abandoned me. My own soulmate couldn't make me feel that safe. No one could make me feel that safe. No one but Metal-AF makes me feel that fucking safe.

I have people that I choose to trust, despite my issues, but Metal-AF is the only person in existence that I have zero insecurities with. I love him so fucking much, just as he is, and I truly felt loved back in the same way.

Oh... fuck...

How do I survive this?

I just fucking found him.  

How do I get through this without him by my side?

I feel like I'm dying inside.

(grunts in pain)

Now, I want to make it clear that I have literally everything in my power to hunt Metal-AF down. Every night I sleep next to a guy whose former profession was finding people who didn't want to be found. I've learned a few things. I have other means of contact outside of Facebook. I could easily give chase here, and it may be that Metal-AF needs me to do just that. He may need me to show him just how important he is to me in that way.

So, why am I not doing this thing?

Well, for starters, I’m forcing myself not to panic. Yes, I'm devastated, but I'm staying calm.  

If I went after him now? He would always wonder if I really wanted him because I wanted him, or if it was because I couldn't tolerate being abandoned. (again) I can't have him wallowing in that kind of insecurity. I won't.

No, this has to be a slow burn.

I have to stay stoic, and strong, and grit my teeth through the pain. I need him to know that I'm not letting my fears beat me this time.

Then, if he continues to read my blog, he'll just know, every day, that I both love and miss him.

I know how to survive on my own. I've made it through shit more alone than this before and I can do it again. So, I can survive, and I will survive.  

Thriving is a whole fucking different story, though.

-----------------------------------

---------------EDIT--------------

---The following was written last night before I lost Metal-AF---

- Bright Star - YES! Mr. Potential finally got his Code Name!! Took me forever and some questions to dig it out, but eventually, I found it.   

Right, so that cuddle date, huh?

*wince* Can I start by saying that this might not go further?

It's not for lack of intent or desire on my end, but Bright Star has asked for some time to sort through some thoughts and feelings and he's going to touch base with me sometime tomorrow. And, as much as I love him, and I want to stay positive about this, I also know that he may have pushed some of his own boundaries a bit and he might need to pull the lever on the escape hatch.

My primary objective with Bright Star is his sense of safety. However, that safety isn't mine to dictate. I can try to be supportive and I can try to create a safe space for him, but it's still his world and his choices on whether or not he needs to back away.  

I'm okay with this.

Also, this isn't a threat of harm level safety issue. It has a lot more to do with his deep sense of compassion and his natural output due to that compassion. I've been on the receiving end of that compassion and it's one of the reasons why I named him Bright Star. He's very illuminating. Even on my darkest days, he can make me see the light without even trying. Just talking to him about random shit that has nothing to do with my issues at all is enough and I'll feel better.

Compassion like that is a blessing, and you know the rules. If every curse hides a blessing then every blessing hides a curse.

So, what happens to someone if their sense of compassion is so profound that they are reluctant to pull that light away, even to their own detriment? What happens to a creature made of pure compassion when they need their space, but still feel some measure of guilt in asking for it?  

Even someone as strong as Bright Star, who has a clear sense of his own boundaries, it would be natural for him to feel some sense of risk when starting down a cuddle path like this with someone as fucked up as me.

Knowing this now, it feels like I have to be careful about how much I share, or even how much I thank him for being there. I feel like it's my job to stay vigilant of my own behaviors so that he never feels that noose tightening around his neck.

I have to protect him.

I have to keep him safe.

Right?

Or, he might decide that I'm too much of a risk, and he might pull away... and you know what? I'd be okay with that. Remember when I refused to confess my feelings for Cuddle Crush because of my Cassandra Complex? This is the same thing.  

I protect my people.

Even if it means protecting them from me.

End of story.

Still, he's a good enough person that we'd still remain in contact regardless of our Cuddle Buddy status. And while we may not end up 'chat everyday' level close, that 'deeper level' door will always remain open and he'll always know that he has an open invitation to walk back through it at any time.

Yeah yeah, you wanna know about the date itself. Shut the fuck up already, jeez.

I needed to preface with all of that because Bright Star needs to know that I do respect his boundaries before I go into my emotional reactions from the Cuddle Date. He knows I get really emotionally intense and I just don't want my exploding supernova level, lack of emotional regulation, to burn his face off.

Okay, okay, enough stalling.

You know how I've been struggling so hard with 'platonic passion' since meeting Metal-AF? How I still can't seem to wrap my brain around it because it seems so counter-intuitive? And, despite the fact that I'm emotionally living it, the cognitive dissonance is enough to have me thoroughly baffled?

You'd think I couldn't do one better, right?

Wrong.

Bright Star is fucking hot. Like, hotter than I'd expected him to be, absolutely, mind-bendingly, totally blushing = 'h a w t .'  

And yet, I'm not the least bit sexually attracted to him.  

Despite the fact that those blisteringly beautiful, scrawny little hips were just pouting up at me saying 'but, we're such cute little chew toys... why don't you want us?'

No. It's not sexual.

There's definitely an attraction. It's just not emotional, romantic, or sexual.  

It's actually all about the skin.

He triggers a very 'skin hungry' kind of cuddle attraction.

Right, so where the hell do you file that one? How does one even go about making even the least bit of sense out of that?! 'Platonically Skin-Hungry?' WTF?!

Talk about cognitive dissonance! I feel like I should be spastically twitching in a corner somewhere with my camera eye popped out and smoke coming out of my ears.  

Does. Not. Compute.

But, there you have it. It's this absolutely rabid, non-sexual, skin-hungry attraction where I just want to cuddle the stuffin' outta him while I get to touch his beautiful skin.

(sigh)

The only thing now is just making sure that he feels safe enough to let that be a thing.

Earning that kind of Safety Seal of Approval may take some time. That's fine, you all know how patient I can be with someone who makes me feel safe enough that I can let /them/ get close to /me/. My walls are high and my coils of razor wire are deep. So, when someone can do that, it inspires a deep sense of loyalty and healer-side kindness out of me.

I digress...  

I suppose you'd like some details on how the date itself went?

I'm intentionally keeping this lite... this is not the time for mundanity.  

He arrived, we hugged long and hard, I took his coat and hung it in the closet.

I made sure we both had water and then introduced him to the Chamber of Snuggles.  

We climbed into the squishy bed of doom and laid close enough to touch, but we hadn't intertwined, yet. There was touching, but it was tentative... those first little tendrils of energy exchange.

We talked. Fuck, don't ask me about what... conversations blur. I remember emotions. Right about here I was a little lost in how beautifully, dangerously hot he was.  It was pretty much the same way I reacted to the Blue Falcon at first. Tall, pale, scrawny, and nerdy/geeky… pure fucking ambrosia to a girl like me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love men of all body types and I can always find beauty and sexual attraction with anyone who wants to go down that path with me. It’s just the quintessential, deadly, connect-four of those factors that will make me really spin-tipsy.

He suggested spooning, I got to be big spoon, we talked some more.

I loved the fuck out of just holding him and letting him talk.

This part... the spooning... I got some of what I'd intended on getting. I got him to share some of his story while I held him, and let me tell you, it was amazing. Holding him tight like that and just letting him open up. Even if it was just talk and we weren't really pulling any emotion to the surface to clear it, yet, it was still a good first try.

It was just so delicious, though. I could feel myself going full Healer-Mode on him. (sigh) When was the last time that happened? How long have I been so damaged that one of my favorite parts of me has been that buried? I've missed her. It was so nice to have her back for a little while as I focused my attention on him.

Anyway...

Another position shift got him into my arms with his head a bit on the join between my shoulder and my chest... a little soft touching ensued.  

I was really hoping to induce skin, and I got it, his shirt came off and I was able to get him into the optimal soft touch position where I had nearly full range of motion with both of my hands across his back.

Fucking heaven. I love doing that.

Right about there... with the skin... I felt those little pleasure centers in my brain just roll over and go belly up, looking for tummy rubs, and I'm just mentally chanting "please let this be a thing, please let this be a thing, please let this be a thing."

A few more position shifts, more talking, a code name was uncovered.

We watched episode one of The OA. He liked it. It might just be mysterious enough to keep him interested in coming back for more.

We wound down... we hugged goodbye... it was hard to let him go...  

Not in the 'clingy' sense of 'no, don't leave me (tear)' (drama!)

But, just the 'that was really nice, and I don't want it to end' kind of way.

--

 

And then I did that thing I do where I always send a thank you note because I feel it's polite. Even if you said a well-worded goodbye and a 'let's do it again' it's important to send that note and keep the dialog open, just in case feelings change.

This time it was warranted. After he left, he began to second guess things a bit, and he communicated as much.

So, now he's taking some time to sort things out, and no matter which way it goes I still plan on being a friend to him. Even if it ends up being not close friends. I'll still want good things for him. I'll still want him safe. I'll still want him to find that balance where his sense of compassion doesn't turn around and choke him to death.

So, I guess, if you're reading this... think 'safe thoughts' his way? Maybe?

There's probably a mantra in there somewhere. Something about wanting someone to feel safe, even if that means letting them go?

LOL.

The Thesaurus is a beautiful thing:

"Safe, not snared."

-----------------------------------

-----------END EDIT-----------

End Notes:  

Fuck...  

Obviously, Bright Star is better off without me too. If his fear is that his compassion will trap him in a never-ending loop of rescuing me from my pain, and I can't even keep my own Wonder Twin by my side... then I'm just too fucking fucked to make it work with him. He deserves better. He needs someone stable that he can still 'care for' without feeling like he's some sort of 'sole support'.  

So, that's done.

(sigh)

Okay... I guess this whole poly thing just didn't work out after all.