He fills my broken edges with gold.

I've been thinking a lot about the flow of energy between my Wonder Twin and I. An example is how I explained it to Valkyrie, how we don't just combine, we amplify.

Metal-AF describes himself as an Energy Conduit. He's a channel. Energy passes through him. Sometimes, depending on the circumstances of his surrounding environment, he can even become overwhelmed by the transference of energies through him.

He describes my energy as 'welcoming'.

I feel as natural to him as breathing. Like my energy just belongs in him. In his own words, that sensation is 'addictive.'

I feel exactly the same way about him.

When he's not with me, I'm fine. I'm perfectly okay on my own. I'm aware of myself as a whole/separate being who is fully capable of individual functionality.

And yet, when he touches me, I feel this incredible sense of expansion. I somehow become much greater than the sum of my parts or his. Then there's this absolutely delicious sense of 'relief' or 'rapture?'... a kind of contact high where the pain I didn't notice I was in is suddenly alleviated.

I've mentioned it before, how desensitized I've become to my own pain. How accustomed I've become to just being broken. How I don't even remember what it feels like to be unbroken anymore.

Metal-AF is like my Kintsugi, he fills my broken edges with gold.

And he's absolutely correct.

It's addictive as fuck.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Metal-AF is time crunchy next Monday - He might come on Tuesday - Time to surprise the Valkyrie with some Wonder Twin Power. :)

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Blood Sugar -  Very stable at 119 again. Also, I saw my doctor yesterday and we're, indeed, taking me off of one of my blood pressure meds. Now when I go in for my weekly blood sacrifice, they'll be testing my blood pressure as well.

So, it begins.

The weight loss has reached a level where my body is beginning to heal from the strain of carrying around the extra pounds.

Good to know I still got it.

- INR -  This is still really low at 1.5 despite the increases in the medication... something's way off, and I don't know what it is.

- Nervous System -  Strangely enough, the sphenoid asked to be adjusted yesterday. I thought I was emotionally balanced enough... hmm... maybe that was to help with the sleep issue?

- Inflammation -  I'm almost out of Turmeric... gonna get rough for a few days.

- Magic Hippo Dance - / - Weight Management -  Still no word from insurance, :(

Family:

- Bran -  He came home with more yummy yummy salmon noms last night. This time they are sans veg - and oddly enough over half the price off without them. Thankfully I have some other veg on hand that I'd bought for Spawn Soup, but she didn't want it... so, I can still has tasty tasty veg too!!

Not much else in the Bran department.

I feel very comfortable... very loved... very positive about letting him go on this work adventure.

I guess I just feel safe with him.

Weird.

After everything that's happened... I guess I just never expected to feel safe with him again.

I'm not sure if that will last, though. It might not hold up once he leaves. I might panic, I might freak out, I might lose my shit.

I'm fucking calling in reinforcements.

I'm going to see if I can arrange for extra time with Metal-AF on the night that Bran leaves. Maybe even an overnight if his beloved would be okay with that. It's a long shot... but, I'm just planning ahead for meltdowns.

- Spawn -  Nothing new to report.

Sweeties:

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   The level of twitterpation continues to comfortably amplify here as well.

She's not ALL I think about anymore. I've started to have some healthy balance where I think about other people too, but I do return to her a lot.

I want this D/s conversation in the worst way... I want to hash this out with her. I want to find out where we stand as Co-Alphas. I want to know her kinks and what she wants from me. I want to know the pleasures she intends to take with my body and how I can successfully bend to her will.

And I want to feel her fucking the daylights out of me.

(sigh)

I need this so much...

Patience is hard, but I haven't brought this up with her recently, and I don't believe that I will any time soon.

I know that she's fully aware of my need for her, and I'm just as aware of her need for me. I know she's working on it and I know she'll get to me when the time is right.

For whatever reason, things are still 'settling' on her end. And I'm gathering that there's more going on there than she's ever let on to me before. More people than there were before. More moons in her orbit that she's tending to while she expects me to just wait as an outlier... for... what... forever?

(sigh)

No... not forever.

Just for now.

She'll figure it out.

She knows she's safe with me, that's all.

She knows I won't give up on her.

But, that's not going to stop me from finding my comforts elsewhere if she keeps me waiting for too long.

Sorry, I've got my limits too.

  - Pathfinder -  He just realized that he's been at his new career for a year now. I'm very proud of him. He's doing quite well and he's where he needs to be. It means I'll almost never get to see him, but that's okay. We don't need to be in the same room to feel close.

  - Never Enough -  I just got a note from him last night that he's moved to the US. He seems to feel bad about it still being 'long distance' between us.

Um... you're in the US, love. That's better than being overseas! LOL.

Not sure where this will ever lead. I'm in this mostly to be his emotional support right now. He was there for me in 2016, so it's just my turn to be there for him.

Cuddles

  - Metal-AF -  What I'm really looking forward to is being around other Energy Sensitives when we touch. We're going to the Polyamory Convention coming up this summer and there will be many opportunities to be in physical contact with others.

Our local Poly community has a lot of bleed into the local Pagan, Heathen, Mage communities. There will be folks who are very psychically aware and who will be able to see, sense, feel what Metal-AF and I are to each other.

It should be pretty fucking intense.

I wonder if we'll blind anyone?

(potential(s)) # 1 He is really struggling right now and I'm finding myself sucked in by that. I've put out the offer to snuggle because I feel like that will help, but he withdrew from me almost immediately after I did it. So, clearly that's where I need to back the fuck off and give him his space, and I came very close to pushing the issue.

UGH!! Bad girl. Support, don't save!

(slaps hand)

(potential(s)) # 2 He disappeared on me yesterday, just as I thought a good conversation was forming. Found out this morning that he got attacked by a giant sleep. He's okay, he just might be coming down with something.

I feel pretty positive about this one. I'm looking forward to more conversations and getting him comfortable enough to take it to 'in person'.

I don't want to go deep enough to say that there's a twitterpation here, because I don't want to make the same mistake that I did with Bright Star, but I will admit that I do think about him quite a bit.

I feel like I have a good handle on what his damage is... still iffy on whether or not I'll be able to help him with it, though.

What I do like about him is that the moment he identified some of my damage, he was very quick to adjust his output to want to deal with it in a way that would be healthy and comforting to me.

He really needs something with even give AND take. His instinct is to be the caregiver, but it's crucial that he receive equal and balanced care in return. Pure reciprocation. Again, this is also very likely where I went off the rails with Bright Star. I put the focus entirely on him, despite the fact that I was truly suffering at the time too.

I need to be open with this one. I need to let him in. I need to let him see me bleed. I need to suck it the fuck up and let myself be vulnerable.

Fuck...

Bright Star literally TOLD me that it was stronger to be vulnerable, and I brave-faced him anyway.

Stupid stupid stupid.

(growl)

Learn learn learn.

Friends:

  - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Now I just miss the fuck out of Metal-AF even more...

Fuck...

Okay, this totally sucks right now.

Writing about Bran leaving, and then where things are with Cuddle Crush... now I'm aware of the fact that I need my Wonder Twin to make me feel whole at the moment.

It's okay, it will pass, it just kinda sucks for the moment.

Now I understand why Poly's opt for Multi-partner cohabitation. More chances of a good snuggle if a random lonely bitch slaps you out of nowhere. (pout)